Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Okay, I really need to get Every Witch Way done. Like done. Right now. I want it finished and I want to start submitting to agents and publishers. I may get rejections left, right, and center, but I’ll still have finished a whole book and I can move on to the 10 (I really mean it–10–ideas that I have on the back burner. I counted.) When I talked to the Mad Madam M last night, she has this to say:

Me: Did you read my blog with the oh-so-clever new title?

MMM: Yeah.

(long pause)

Me: What’d you think?

MMM: It could be good.

Me: Well, it’s going on the back burner.

MMM: No offense Crys, but you already have a million things you’re working on. When are you actually going to finish something?

Me: I said it was on the back burner!

MMM: Uh, Crys? Your back burner is full, too.

Me: What’s your point?

MMM: Maybe you should prune the back burner ideas that involve fish sex and barnyard animals. That’s an even more clever idea!

Me: You. Suck.

MMM: And you just keep comin’ back for more!

Me: I write romance. I must be a masochist.

MMM: Who likes animal sex. Sicko.

Me: (laughing too hard to respond)

Yes, it’s that time again. I have A New Story Idea. This one’s contemporary paranormal–kinda like Every Witch Way, except it’s about a plus-size woman who gets turned either into a ghoul or a vampire (details are still fuzzy) and it’s call Big Girls Don’t Die. I think the title is clever so I’m giving myself a little pat on the back. I’m not sure what else I’ll do with it, but for the moment it has to marinate on the back burner because I just don’t have time. I’ll haul it out in a few months and dust the cobwebs off…the details will probably have worked themselves out by then without me really having to think hard on it. And I’m all about avoiding extra work if I can.

In bizarre news, guess who Mad Madam M met at work yesterday? The Governator. Seriously! She got to talk to Arnold Schwarzenegger and shake his hand and everything. She said he was pretty nice, too. Weird, huh?

I reviewed an upcoming April release of Celeste Bradley’s One Night with a Spy for Romance Divas. For those of you who’ve read her other books, this is part of her Royal Four series–which ties in with her Liar’s Club series.

One Night with a Spy
by Celeste Bradley

Excellent book. When it comes out, you should totally go out and buy it. Don’t worry that it’s fairly late in the series, you won’t have any trouble keeping up. This book stands alone and has some truly zany secondary characters, including acrobatic butlers and toothless lions. Shh! I won’t give anything more away, but it was definitely a fun book. I’m going to have to check out her other work. It’s been quite some time since I enjoyed a historical romance this much. The behavior of the characters were a little too not historically accurate, but overall…good stuff. Also, if you want to know more about the other books/characters, go check out Celeste’s website. It really is a cool site.

As always, go read my review of the book! Click here.

How did I get so many works in progress? I mean, I don’t even like to multi-task this much! I have my young adult story, my spicy novella, my paranormal chick-lit romance, a new spicy time-travel novella, and the sequels to several of these refuse to wait for their turn! I have 80 billion things to write and no time to write them because I have to get ready for a presentation I’m doing at a librarian conference (I hate when my real life gets in the way of my fantasy novelist one, sheesh!)

I also have midterms to grade from the class I’m teaching this semester, which the administration likes so much it’s becoming a required GE course for incoming freshman next semester. Cue Days of Our Lives music “Like sand through the hourglass, so goes the time I had to write.”

P.S. I don’t actually watch soap operas because I think they’re both silly and addicting. Mad Madam M has heard my rant on this, so I’ll spare the general populace.

I’m baaaaaaack! I had a great vacation in Amarillo and I want to go back. Work is icky today. Gaaaah!!!

As with all road trips, I come bearing stories and lessons learned:

1. In Oklahoma at dawn, if you’re on the OK/Arkansas border, watch for strangely happy men in trucks. He pulled up next to us on the freeway going 75mph and at first I thought he just wasn’t wearing a shirt (the man had a beer-gut and a half!) until he thrust his hips up to wave his penis at us. He had the goofiest grin on his face too! Never had a man wag his wang at me from a moving vehicle (a hotel balcony, yeah, but not a truck). My cousin (who drove with me) and I looked at each other to ask “Did you just see that?” I mean, 13 hours straight on the road can mess with your mind, but we both saw it so…EEEWWW!! LOL!!

2. Oklahoma City is non-hick (which surprised me) and is a fantastic place to stop for coffee and ice-cream (the cousin and I had opposing cravings)

3. The 24-hour Wal-Mart in Little Rock, AR is on exit 156, not 157. The gas station attendant sent us to 157 and we ended up in a severely ghetto portion of town where gas station attendant #2 of the evening gave us the proper directions. On our way out of the gas station we were propositioned by a man who couldn’t speak English, but got his point across rather eloquently with crude hand gestures. If that wasn’t enough, we had a man with a gold-coated-and-diamond-studded grill (i.e. his freaking teeth) offer to sell us CDs out of the trunk of his hoopty pimp-mobile. I think we laid rubber peeling out of that place. The Wal-Mart was actually in a nice area of town, only one exit further up the freeway. Oi!

4. Nothing is more beautiful than the Memphis skyline when you’re escaping Arkansas (and it’s Wal-Marts).

Best place names:

• Mangum, OK– It just sounds like a chewable sex toy (LOL! I may have to add that to a manuscript somewhere)
• Kickapoo, OK– because apparently, Hopoverapoo and Ickypoo were already taken.
• Nathan Bedford Forrest State Park, TN– because we’re SO proud we invented the KKK, we had to name a park after the guy! Family reunions there have lots of sheet washing involved. Hope there’s a Bed, Bath, and Beyond near by. Sheesh!
  
• Toad Suck State Park, AR– BEST ONE!!! There are no words to describe how hard the cousin and I laughed when we saw the sign for this one. I mean, Toad Suck??
  

Here’s a quiz from the SpecRom Online newletter. Very fun! The quiz: Which Science Fiction Writer Are You?

Unfortunately, I had to look this guy up because I had no idea who he was. Plus, my writing doesn’t have any religious overtones that I know of. So, well, um…okay! I’m going to grow up to be a strange bald man who look remarkably like Ben Kingsley.

I am: Robert A. Heinlein Beginning with technological action stories and progressing to epics with religious overtones, this take-no-prisoners writer racked up some huge sales numbers.

Which science fiction writer are you?

Mad Madam M: Ok…so I have been reading quite a few pirate books recently (and listening to way too much Gilbert & Sullivan, but what is new). You see…I really wanted to find some historical Australia stuff, but other than 2 Candice Proctor books, I have found nothing (feel free to recommend). But back to the pirates…next to medieval Scottish romance novels, anything nautical themed gets the most horrible covers…

Crystal: What M means to say here is that she likes bad romance. It’s okay, we’re all friends here and this is a supportive loving environment to admit to your strange proclivities.

The Pirate Lord - Sabrina Jeffries

Crystal: Okay, I have to ask, if he’s a pirate where’s the ship? I mean, he’s got the open-to-his-waist flowing in the breeze shirt exposing copious mounts of man-boobies. He’s got his sword. And he seems to be standing in a jungle of phallic looking vines that tilt at the tip. Yeah, no subliminal message there. Where’s the boat? Or even the ocean? A river? Puddle? Plus, what’s with the mascara? Is he a cross dressing pirate? Pirate drag is in vogue now–’cause this dude? SO gay! Did his man-pimp just drop him off on the wrong set?

Mad Madam M: The bigger question, though, is why is there a vine growing up between his legs (oh how I love bad double entendres!). As if the “I’m a proud graduate of the Capt. Morgan school of posing” stance wasn’t enough, now the Pirate Lord feels the need to fondle an errant plant vine. Has he been standing there that long? Was holding on to his sword not enough anymore? Did both hands need to be occupied?
Oh, and what about the buttonless shirt? The sleeves have buttons, but not the front of the shirt. Come on…how is that supposed to work? Does he just tuck it in, hoping for the best until he can find the right moment to proudly show off his hot man-boobs? I mean, he’s on a pirate ship…does he flash his men to keep up moral? Not that there is anything wrong with that…

The Pirate & the Puritan - Cheryl Howe

Crystal: Which one’s the Puritan because neither of them look that pious? Is it just me or does he look a little constipated? Maybe her knee is squishing his pirate jewels! He also has better hair than her…maybe that’s why she’s pancaking his balls. I love how they stopped for a little face time on a storm tossed sea, the sails on their ship are all raggedy in the wind and the one intact ship in the distance is on fucking fire, people! These idiots deserve to drown.

Mad Madam M: But it isn’t only that he has far better hair…why does he have a better bow than her? She just has a knotted blue string, while his luscious hair accessory looks straight from the “Manual of Cheerleader Hair”? I mean, I don’t think I have ever had that nice of a bow in my hair.
Although the other ship looks like it is on fire, I think it’s just another flag. What I can’t figure out is why there is a large ship’s mast protruding out of what appears to be a small boat. I mean, it looks like the boat can hardly hold them and the chest. Is the cover artist trying to tell us something?
Oh, and why are neither of them concerned about the water apparently pouring in their sea craft? If you look carefully, it appear that sea water is cascading into the boat at his back. I mean, I think any rational person would end their staring contest to start bailing out the boat. But then again…maybe that is only me!!

The Pirate’s Jewel - Cheryl Howe

Crystal: Uh, guys? There’s a big motherfucking wave coming at you! And a ship. A big ship! With lots of scurvy, pervy sex-starved pirates who want some group action on your half-naked-in-public asses. Can you move it a little further up the beach? Or maybe he’s lifting the back of her petticoat so someone else can help him double-team her when the boat arrives. And where’s his left hand? Is it fondling his pirate’s jewels? Laughing my ass off because of the title, by the way. Seriously, my whole ass. Gone from laughing.

Mad Madam M: But is that a wave, or simply rocks out in the distance? Either way, there is a big spray of water behind her head for no logical reason…although logic rarely seems to enter into the creation of trashy novel covers.
To be honest, I really don’t want to know where his left hand is. The pained look on his face is bad enough. I’m not sure if he has fallen asleep while kneeling or if he is simply trying to stall hoping that his comrades on the ship will rescue him in time.
And how is she able to remain upright in that position? She is straddling his right leg, but not putting any weight in it, while also standing wantonly. Her other leg seems to be concealed by her petticoats, but it seems like even with good footing with that leg, she would still topple over! And apparently she likes to covertly look at her own boobs while quasi-tusseling a guy’s hair. She’s probably one of the only heroines that laments the fact that her pirate doesn’t have a mullet!
Crystal: She’s humming “When I think about you I touch myself.” He just can’t hear it over the massive roar of the oncoming wave/rock/spray thingie.

I have never been a huge fan of Cry’s weekly “Sunday Funnies”. For the most part, with the noted exception of the quiz that revealed I would fit in best with the crew of Battlestar Galactica and the quiz that claimed that if compared with a superhero, I would be Buffy, I think they are completely bogus and a waste of time. Come on people, make it a little harder to cheat on them. Now I do understand that these quizzes are simply supposed to be mindless fun - an activity I usually throw myself into whole-heartedly – but I just can’t seem to find the hilarity.
Although I don’t usually find the quiz amusing, I do take the weekly quiz. I’m fair that way…at least I don’t following the tried and true “I’m an American; I don’t have to see something to know it’s stupid” philosophy. However, that might just change after the “Stipper Song” quiz…the results hit a bit to close to home and brought up some interesting ponderings. Apparently, my stripper song would be Depeche Mode’s “Master & Servant”, one of the kinkiest songs since the Divynal’s hit “I Touch Myself” – a song I might add I have on CD…don’t ask. The really disturbing part is that I like the song and in a way, I kind of agree with the song choice.
Now, perhaps I am making too much of this, but the song lyrics got me thinking, perhaps there is a little truth to this one. I mean, I don’t think it will ever be in my cards to dance as a stripper, or even participate in the activities promoted in the song. I don’t have any burning desire to have anyone “treat me like a dog/get me down on my knees” but you have to kind of respect the observation later on in the song that “Domination’s the name of the game/In bed or in life/They’re both just the same”. See…a pretty valid life philosophy found by taking a stripper song quiz. I don’t think I’ll adopt it, but hey I can at least ponder it for awhile…Perhaps there is more to these quizzes than I thought!

So in my quest to expand my reading variety, I have also found a couple of novels set in historic Australia. However, this change of setting has led me on some wild goose chases and gotten that Men at Work song “Down Under” perpetually stuck in my head. For some reason, historical Australian romance is a hard commodity to find. ..a fact I find difficult to understand. I mean, take a look at the backdrop provided: a rough pioneer landscape and Botany Bay with convicts of both sexes and both guilty or innocent. The possibility for intrigue, suspense, and of course romance seem endless. Why aren’t more people considering historic Australia as a setting? Although I love them, lord knows we have enough Regency or medieval highland stories to keep people busy for awhile. Why not change it up a bit?
Anyway, in the end I really only have found 2 authors with multiple books: Candice Proctor - the sister of Penelope Williamson who wrote the book one of my fav cheesy Hallmark movies was based on, The Outsider - and Barbara Bickmore. Amazon doesn’t even have a Listmania list to help you along. Ah well…perhaps in the end this is better. I would hate for the Alec/Duncan/Lucian/Damien and any variation of devil to feel left out (since every highland novel seems to have one or more of each name). I’m not looking to lose kilted men entirely, but why not try a couple of un-utilized locales!

Over the weekend, Crys text-messaged me the idea for her next romance story. Normally, I simply smile and nod listening to the basic outline, but this new story gave me nightmares. Well maybe not nightmares, but still it is difficult to find a happy place. (See, I secretly think that she comes up with some of her story ideas just to play with my head. Like that faun story or the mermaid idea). Don’t get me wrong, I love the fact that she is writing and that it makes her happy. But while she devours the latest Showalter or Davidson book, I stick with Balogh, Howell, Foley, or Jeffries. Karen Marie Moning is the only author I have read and liked that deals with time-travel and such (keep in mind that the covers of her books always feature men in kilts). Wemay have trashy novels in common, but because of the different genres our friendship stays sane or as sane as it can be. But all that might change…
Lately, I have read a couple of pirate themed books. I’m tired of getting mocked for my limited time/locale selections so I branched out. Not a big step I realize, but hey…baby steps. Anyway, this apparently gave her an idea. The basic concept is a classic one: history grad student processing a collection stumbles across an artifact of some sort, touches it, passes out, and awakens on the deck of a pirate ship. I’m sure she will explain more later.
This may not seem like a big deal, but this would mean that we were reading the same sort of book. Something that freaks me out quite a bit. I can’t quite explain it, but it just seems wrong. Perhaps all I need is a soothing cup of tea…