Our first Snark entry is…
Greek Baby-Daddies!
Crystal: Many books, one storyline. Poor/desperate young (usually blonde and American/English) woman meets a Greek tycoon (because that teeny tiny country has so many to spare–and they all come accessorized with their own island!) and they a) have an ill-fated romance in which one of them misunderstands the other and they break it off still carrying a torch for one another OR b) have one night of torrid hanging-off-the-chandelier wild monkey sex. The guy has always thought of her no matter how often young/blonde/English-speaking women throw pussy at him out of car windows. (M: Is that even humanly possible?) Either way the girl finds herself knocked up, but doesn’t tell him and through some convolution of circumstance that would make a contortionist proud, the hero finds out and storms (always storms) onto the scene to claim his baby and (M: something about demanding marriage…this always means a showdown of stubbornness!!!) marries the girl (to preserve both their honor, natch). They (of COURSE!) find love together because they eventually (duh!) realize that they were DESTINED to be together (insert violin music) baby or no baby. Shyeah, that so could happen. All the time.
Crystal: It’s blonde. See the blonde? Didn’t I say they were always fucking blonde?
M: But more importantly how freaky is that mirror? It is cheesy enough just looking at one version of the “perfect” couple…no need to see it in reverse.
Crystal: If you look in the mirror, his hand is, like, wrapped all the way around her ribcage, but from the front, we can’t see his hand. Those have to be the stubbiest fingers of all time. Maybe that’s why he needs a poor desperate girl. He’s deformed. The Hunchfinger of Notre Lame.
Crystal: Doesn’t have Greek in the title, but the unpronounceable last name should give it away.
M: Although the image reveals the softer side of Sears, at least she has the audacity to wear a white wedding dress. Well that and the fact that he is totally checking out her engorged boobie…take a look. He ain’t checking out the baby bump!
Crystal: Look at her hand though. It totally looks like a Barbie Doll hand. I know! This is a picture of the rejected Mattel toy “Pregnant Barbie” (with accessories).
Crystal: In case you didn’t notice the title, note the subtle tribute to the Parthenon in the background.
M: But the important question remains…what time of day did they have to go to get that view to themselves? You know that right out of camera shot, a small Greek man sells souvenirs and a 50 passenger tour bus is about to stop by.
Crystal: Also, you just miss the sign that says “Kodak Moment Photograph Area.”
Crystal: The working title for this one was–”My mommy is a hooker and my daddy touches me inappropriately.”
Crystal: Love the title! Preserving honor here!
M: Although not much since one of her melon is about to jump out from under the covers. That or she has a weird growth that the rich Greek dude hasn’t yet noticed since he has been so mesmerized by the blonde hair!!
Crystal: M, if I ever sleep with a guy who owns red silk sheets, candles, and a netted canopy bed, slap me hard and say, “He’s gay, Crystal! That’s why he didn’t want to marry you in the first place. That’s the real shame…the sexy ones don’t bat for our team!”
