Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Mad Madam M went to see the movie 300 the other day. And this is the result. A full-on hotty tribute to the movie. Title for this edition: “Madness? This Is SPARTA!”

Mad Madam M: I’m pretty sure I could clean my clothes on those abs. *takes a moment to try and lick the glorious abs through screen* Really, I would gladly give up my washing machine to find out! I don’t care if it is hygienic or not!!

Crystal: I’m wondering about the saying about his head (while trying to keep his abs in view, naturally). Why are they dining in Hell? Is it a new dining establishment? And they do know the whole heaven/hell thing wasn’t a part of the Spartan religious beliefs, right? (I obviously took too many Ancient Civilization History classes in college)

Mad Madam M: Just when you thought nothing could beat the first pic, now we have a number of nearly nekkid Spartans and they are wet. Oh how wish the ancient world was this stylized…and time travel was possible. Damn my complete and utter failure at physics!

Crystal: Wet. Mmmmmm. And do you see his nifty shield? I know a saying about those from Spartan culture. I may have failed physics, but I passed history and bio…and I think I need a refresher in anatomy. His will do.

Mad Madam M: Pretty…oh so pretty. Well, as long as you don’t focus on what the Spartans are standing in front of, which isn’t that hard. I mean, I don’t even see beyond the beautiful caped men…

Crystal: Why are they wearing diapers with their capes?

Mad Madam M: So this shot only features one torso, but it is good ol’ Gerard Butler’s torso, so I’m ok. Besides the image is so gripping I would want to stare at it even if it didn’t feature Gerard’s naked chest…ooooh naked chest…where was I? Oh yes, this image is quite striking…really!

Crystal: Where’s the hot torso? *presses nose to screen to try and see Gerard’s shiny abs better*

Mad Madam M: Who needs baby oil when you can simply use a mixture of sweat and dirt to show off your perfect muscles?!?!? And I have to say that the helmet is working for me. No one pulls off helmets/masks quite as good as Gerard Butler. I still don’t know why Christine didn’t jump the Phantom when he took her to his secret hidey-hole in the bottom of the opera house. I know I would have…

Crystal: It really is unfortunate that Christine felt the need to go for the same old good guy routine. I mean it was so obvious she grooved on the Phantom and that other dude was a total wuss. Plus, look at the abs she would have gotten! Look!

Mad Madam M: Perhaps I should explain… Ok, I don’t think I can explain. Sure I like piercings, but it is gorgeously sculpted body that keeps me staring. Besides, in my head, I just think of him with hair…like in that Baz Luhrmann’s Chanel commercial he did with Nicole Kidman ( http://youtube.com/watch?v=bU9A-kpiTfM). But with the body from 300 of course. ‘cuz why wouldn’t you!?!?!?!

Crystal: It’s a very nice body, yes. And so spread and ready for whatever I want to do with it. Like use it as my own private jungle gym.

Mad Madam M: All I can guess is that Jared Leto was make-up guy for the day. I mean how else can you explain the amazing amount of eye-liner, but let’s be honest…who is really looking at his eyes?!?!?!

Crystal: Dude, if you squee another question ?!?!?! I’m gonna have to smack you. And is that David Wenham (no idea how to spell that) from Lord of the Rings fame standing next to eye-liner boy? I think I see his nipple. Sweet!

Mad Madam M: “He’d fly through the air with the greatest of ease/That daring young man on the flying trapeze/His movements were graceful, all girls he could please/And my love he purloined away.” For some reason, I just can’t get that chorus out of my head. Anyhoo…This is another of those stylized images I can just stare at for hours. Sure I know that guy that is hot, but that is just a smidgeon of why I love the pic.

Crystal: That is the weirdest thing I have ever seen. Best not to think about logistics…oooh look pretty men!

Mad Madam M: “That’s MISTER Trapeze man to you!” That might not be the exact quote, but I think that is what Michael Fassbender was trying to convey in the scene.

Crystal: What’s with the hair? And is it me or does his arm look deformed in this shot?

Mad Madam M: I call this “Torso Illuminated by Dawn”. If only the sun had shed some light on a few more…

Crystal: I wish the sun hadn’t illuminated the leather diaper quite so well. I’d almost managed to forget they were wearing those. *sigh*

Mad Madam M: Since clearly this film is historically accurate, *cough* I do wonder how Spartan women ever accomplished anything. I mean, if I were surrounded by that day in and day out, I think I would go into shock due to over-stimulation! On second thought, I’m not too sure I could make it as a Spartan woman. They were pretty badass!

Crystal: I would totally fail at being a Spartan woman. I totally studied that shit in college. However, I would not be opposed to boffing the occasional Spartan man. For historical research, of course.

Mad Madam M: “Come back with your shield, or on it.” I can’t say it any better than that, although I wouldn’t mind just going with him to make sure he came home in one piece…
(Side Note: There are moments when I am watching a film alone in which something happens and I think to myself “Man I wish so-and-so was here with me. They would have loved that!” This is one of those scenes. Sure you could just stare at Gerard again, but I included this pic is for Crys, since she will probably kill me for using one of her favorite Greek quotes and I thought I might distract her with a pretty man!)

Crystal: Yeah, like I wouldn’t notice the one chance I had for my education to be worth something and you wrenched it away from me. I’m hurt. Though, on an unrelated note, that is a really pretty picture.