Crystal Jordan :: Blog

So this week is about heterosexual life-partners. This is a term I believe Mad Madam M invented herself to describe couples that are in a dedicated life-long relationship without marriage or any sort of sexual relations (oh, gross!) at all. Usually it’s a best friend of the same sex. And not like a “I met you five minutes ago, let’s be friends” type best friend…this is the best friend you will have until you die. The end.

Mad Madam M and I have had a successful hetero life-mating for the better part of a decade now (sadly my most successful relationship, period–but moving on!).

As a demonstration, we’re showcasing famous hetero life partnership found in movies and TV.

For a bonus, we’ll have videos featuring these life partnerships on Friday. Stay Tuned!

Jay & Silent Bob

Mad Madam M: “Oh, I’m Jay, and this is my hetero-lifemate Silent Bob.”

Crystal: And look we have matching sweater sets! (Okay, trench coats. Close enough.)

Mad Madam M: “You know, sometimes I wish I did a little more with my life instead of hanging out in front of places selling weed and sh*t…” All I can say is thank goodness you didn’t! And while I am at it…thank goodness you gave up the drugs and grew some muscles!!

Crystal: Dude, he was on drugs? I never would have guessed Jay was a tweaker. Huh.

Mad Madam M: Jay & Silent Bob…or Kevin Smith & Jason Mewes? Who am I kidding? It doesn’t really matter…

Crystal: *whispers* Matching sweater sets.

Matt Damon & Ben Affleck

Mad Madam M: Pretty *pets screen* and one of them can even act!

Crystal: Huh? Sorry, what did you say? I was distracted by the pretty.

Mad Madam M: I hate to admit it, but I tear up everytime Ben (or whatever his name is in the film) explains the best part of his day *wipes away tear* Damn it! I’m tearing up now…

Crystal: Oh, please. Only one of them can act, remember? Did you forget which one that was?

Mad Madam M: Getting the bird has never looked this appealing!

Crystal: I could make a foul comment about getting fingered, but this is a public blog, so I won’t.

Mad Madam M: Disturbing I know. Quite pretty, but disturbing none the less…

Crystal: There are some similiarities here that scare me. However, Star Trek does specialize in hetero life-matings. We shouldn’t be suprized others have noticed too.

Tom & Harry

Mad Madam M: Double your pleasure…double your fun!

Crystal: Matching sweater sets!

O’Brien & Bashir

Mad Madam M: Ok…so maybe O’Brien isn’t the greatest looking guy, but these two made DS9 for me. Sure O’Brien loves his wife…he just likes Bashir better!

Crystal: I’m disturbed by how much Star Trek you watch. I think we may need to revoke your remote control priviledges.

Kirk & Spock

Mad Madam M: All hail the original Trek hetero-lifemates. And take a good look at the less-puffy Shatner…

Crystal: They are good looking guys. Or, they were back in the day anyway.

Boston Legal

Mad Madam M: Speaking of Shatner…the more I watch this show the more I fall in love with these two! Long live Denny Crane and Alan Shore!!

Crystal: Wow, Shatner is either really good at balancing his lifemates and his wife (he is married right?), or no one knows he’s cheating.

Mad Madam M: Suits and cigars…what girl could ask for anymore!

Crystal: Sex, drugs, and Bono? (I know how much you like Bono)

ER

Mad Madam M: I’ve never really watched thishow religiously, but I do agree Clooney is damn fine and I sobbed like a baby when I watched the ep about Dr. Green in a rerun a couple of years back!

Crystal: I stopped watching after Clooney left. They broke up the hetero lifemates. It was just wrong, I tell you! However, this is a nice shot of the original hotties of ER.

Mad Madam M: If only I was on that gurney! We could play ‘Doctor’ all the time!!

Crystal: Niiiice.

Harry Potter (This section is dedicated to Crys’s cousin…otherwise I would feel really old and kind of pervy!)

Mad Madam M: I love is pic…I mean this is a true image of friendship…

Crystal: All hail the underage hetero lifemates!

Mad Madam M: Man I feel old! *starts humming “Sunrise, Sunset” to myself*

Crystal: See? When they get older, they’ll learn to never let a chick come between their lifemating. Bros’ before ho’s!

OC

Mad Madam M: Now there is a look that melts the heart…

Crystal: Awwww. Cute.

Mad Madam M: No one accesorizes with a white wife-beater undershirt like Ryan! Although I wouldn’t be heartbroken if he lost it completely…(And doesn’t he have the cutest look on his face. Too bad Seth is missing it by wearing those huge sunglasses!!)

Crystal: As long as I don’t miss it, I’m cool with Seth missing it.

Mad Madam M: I know I have used this pic before, but I can’t stop staring…

Crystal: *sigh*

Simon Pegg/Nick Frost

Mad Madam M:
Shaun: [about Ed] He’s not my boyfriend!
Ed: [handing a pint to Shaun] It might be a bit warm, the cooler was off.
Shaun: Thanks, babe. [winks]

Crystal: I love Shaun of the Dead. It was an awesome flick (which M made me watch–twice)

Mad Madam M: Police Glasses…scientifically proven to make any guy hot. Kinda like kilts…

Crystal: I was with you until kilts. Men in short skirts are only sexy in bad romance novels. Forgive her, everyone. She reads Greek/Sheik Baby Daddy books. And likes them.

Mad Madam M: Real men can hold hands in artistically lit hallways!!! I mean they are British…they are born with a ‘campy’ gene!

Crystal: I agree. No American hetero lifepartnership could be this out of the closet.