Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Mad Madam M: Hump Day Hotties (aka Driver picks the music, shotgun shuts her cakehole! edition) Welcome to this week’s installment of Hump Day Hotties in which I, Mad Madam M, showcase some of my choices for the title of Hot Musical Artists…with little to no input from Crystal I might add! (Hence the title of the entry!) But before we begin, here’s a couple of quick side notes from Crystal: First of all this is by no means meant to be a definitive list of hot musical artists, either past or current. Also, as you peruse the images, remember that Mad Madam M has kind of odd tastes in artists and often it the the music she finds hot or sensual, not the musicians themselves. Just a warning…trust me!

Crystal: Weird taste? Dude, tell me about it. Oy vay.

Mad Madam M: Might as well get used to the imports. Not sure why I find Chris Martin and the other members of Coldplay attractive. Could be that they write on their hands. Could be they write decent music that gets stuck in my head on a regular basis. Could be I just love anything English. You decide!

Crystal: Anglophile. Write that on your hand. Oh, and this: Coldplay is grubby, not hot.

Mad Madam M: I can understand why Crys requested a pic of this hottie, although for the life of me I don’t know how to pronounce is name. Is it Fifty Cent? Or Fiddy Cent? I just don’t know?!?!?

Crystal: Who cares how you say it? Have you ever heard his voice? It makes me want to rip off my clothes and run around with my panties on my head.

Mad Madam M: Sure he has Farrah hair, but the boy is still easy on the eyes. Besides he includes silly hand claps in his songs. That’s love people…that is love!

Crystal: His is pretty. Who cares what his hair looks like. Shoot the stylist, not the singer.

Mad Madam M: Faith Hill is one lucky lady, even if I have no idea what Timmy is doing in this pic. Best not think about it for long periods of time…

Crystal: Ropes and a spread eagle hottie. I can tell you what I’d like him to be doing in this pic.

Mad Madam M: Oh Sufjan…you look so artistically melancholy in this pic. I could stare forever! *loses train of thought and simply stares*

Crystal: If you tilt your head and squint, he kinda looks like Clive Owen. I can totally work with that.

Mad Madam M: Do you have any idea how hard it is to find a pic of a decently clothed Robbie Williams? Well let me tell you, I had to wade through a ton - A TON - of naked Robbie images to find this one…not that I’m complaining!

Crystal: Naked pics of pretty people. You poor girl.

Mad Madam M: Apparently, he’s kind of a douchebag, but if he could seranade me with “Come Pick Me up’ or ‘ Desire’ or pretty much any of his songs, I would promise to love him anyway. Who am I kidding…I’m willing to do that just listening to him on my iPod!

Crystal: He’s kinda skinny and meh for me. Next!

Mad Madam M: Ah…Patrick Park. The O.C. introduced us and I will be forever grateful! Now if only you could do something with your hair. Seriously!

Crystal: Dude, that hair is Not Right.

Mad Madam M: So I really wanted to find a pic of Ok Go from the “Invincible” video. You know the part when they are all in white suites, looking tasty, and I could literally jump every last one of them…even the goofy guy with glasses! You know that part, right?!?!?! (Note: If you have never seen their dancing in the backyard video for “A Million Ways” or the treadmill video for “Here We Go Again” click the links and enjoy! I dare you!!!)

Crystal: They are kinda cute. I don’t know why.

Mad Madam M: Back to the Brits, ladies and gentlemen. Come on…we had a good run of Americans there for a while! (Three in a row!!) I just adore the way Matt Bellamy casually leans against the wall with his black suite and black hair…

Crystal: Is that one dude wearing white sneaker with his suit. Ugh. I hate that.

Mad Madam M: I can’t explain why I love JT, but I do. Not sure quite why he felt the need to bring Sexy Back (Where did it go in the first place anyway?), but I don’t mind staring at his luscious reclining body with his sultry come-on stares, as his hand caresses my…wait did I say that out loud? Excuse me for a moment!
*an elevator rendition of the ‘The Girl from Ipanema’ begins to play*

Crystal: Sexy went where ever he did. So when he came back, it came with him. Duh. And M? Leave the slutty writing to me, at least I don’t embarrass myself into elevator music. But, then…I have no shame. Could be that.

Mad Madam M: Sure he’s kind of a cynic, but he is an Irish cynic that writes hauntingly lyrics songs that are already played to be in bed by my trusty iPod Darcy. However, if the real Damien Rice ever wanted to show up and play them himself…I wouldn’t mind one bit!

Crystal: Someone needs to hit that dude with a razor. Chin pubes are not sexy.

Mad Madam M: He’s just so cute with his cowboy hat and guitar. Sure he’s a bit more country than you average guy, but I am willing to adapt!

Crystal: I love Brad Paisley! *lights lighter and waves it madly*

Mad Madam M: And last but not least, my boys. My musical spouse. Sure I have affairs all the time with other artists, but I always come back to you. You know how much I love you!

Crystal: This the freakiest pic of U2 I have ever seen. There so many sexy shots you could have picked…and you did the Oh, Brother Where Art Thou rendition? On second thought…that’s kinda funny.

So, I usually say this about men who are hot. Because I would so use them in ways that improved my physical fitness. Just sayin’

Now for the real dilemma of my physical fitness. Yes, I’m fat. Get over it. However, Persnickety Hooch has been nagging me to join the gym near the library.

As sad as it sounds, I’m actually considering. Not because I want to be skinny. Trust me when I tell you, I’m not build to ever be skinny unless they come up with a way to redo the full-body bone structure.

But I should be more healthy. And it’s going to cut into my precious writing time. Ugh. I don’t wanna. Wah.

Over at The Novelty Girls doing my own twisted version of Poetry Monday. Horny Haiku people. That’s all I’m saying. You’ll have to go over there and check it out for yourself to see what’s up.

Happy Memorial Day!

Dude, Fall is my favorite season. And chocolate bunnies make me sick to my tummy. :-(

You Belong in Spring

Optimistic, lively, and almost always happy with the world… You can truly appreciate the blooming nature of spring. Whether you’re planting flowers or dyeing Easter eggs, spring is definitely your season!

I stole this from the uber talented alien-writer-chick, Gena Showalter, who stole it from Michelle Rowen, who stole it from Bonnie. It’s been passed around like a cheap hooker, poor thing. You answer all the questions using only one word.

1. WHERE IS YOUR CELL PHONE?: purse
2. RELATIONSHIP?: nope
3. YOUR HAIR?: showered
4. WORK?: weekend
5. YOUR SISTER?: non-existent
6. YOUR FAVORITE THING?: finishing
7. YOUR DREAM LAST NIGHT?: non-existent
8. YOUR FAVORITE DRINK?: water
9. YOUR DREAM CAR?: Volvo
10. THE ROOM YOU’RE IN?: office
11. YOUR SHOES?: scattered
12. YOUR FEARS?: snakes!
13. WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE IN 10 YEARS?: bestseller
14. WHO DID YOU HANG OUT WITH THIS WEEKEND?: Persnickety
15. WHAT ARE YOU NOT GOOD AT?: lying
16. MUFFIN?: blueberry
17. ONE OF YOUR WISH LIST ITEMS?: Orlando
18. WHERE YOU GREW UP? California
19. LAST THING YOU DID?: type
20. WHAT ARE YOU WEARING?: pajamas!
21. WHAT AREN’T YOU WEARING?: socks
22. YOUR PET?: gone
23. YOUR COMPUTER?: MacBook
24. YOUR LIFE?: crazy
25. YOUR MOOD?: bored
26. MISSING?: breakfast
27. WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW?: book
28. YOUR CAR?: parked
29. YOUR KITCHEN?: messy
30. YOUR SUMMER?: packed
31. YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?: green
32. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED?: yesterday
33. LAST TIME YOU CRIED?: *sniffle*
34. SCHOOL?: aced
35. LOVE?: yay!

It’s that time of week again when I roll out the pimp wagon and tell you who to spend your money on. You love me for it, right? Right? Well, anyway…moving right along.

Here ya go!

Oasis of my Heart by Tara Nichols

Blurbilicious fun:

Sadie Davies is running away for the second time in her life. The first time she wanted stardom. This time she is running from it. Intending to keep a low profile she sets up for a solitary life, but with sexy, know-it-all, neighbour Dustin Reed she finds it rather difficult. Moving in next door to playboy Dustin Reed wasn’t Sadie Davies idea of keeping a low profile. With ex-manager Horace Bigelow hunting her down the last thing Sadie wants is a distraction.

Now she has to decide whether to let this lady-killer into her life for fear of attracting a real killer.

Buy Linky Link

This week in honor of Memorial Day, we salute various men in uniform…albeit hot guys who have portrayed a military man in a film or on the tellie! So sit back, relax and enjoy the show, but remember no mentioning U-571, Pearl Harbor, or any film featuring Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson in a uniform, Mad Madam M is sensitive you know…

Mad Madam M: A uniform and an accent with the possibility of a dousing of water at anytime to make the clothes cling to his every muscle!?!?! It doesn’t get any better than that people!

Crystal: And look at the tight pants! Horatio can blow my horn any day. *drools*

Mad Madam M: Ok…I will admit the hat is a bit ridiculous, but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for wearing it! Besides, do you see the size of his rifle? *wink wink*

Crystal: Um…doesn’t this movie feature Mel Gibson in a uniform at some point?

Mad Madam M: I can’t choose. I mean…Sniper. Propagandist. Sniper. Propagandist. Are you really going to make me decide? Joe has the awesome jacket/hat/glasses combo, but Jude is really working the I’m-a-tough-guy-with-extremely-tight-pants. Oh decisions, decisions…

Crystal: Those pants aren’t that tight. And what’s with the jacket? Tese dudes aren’t working for me…Jude looked better in The Holiday.

Mad Madam M: I wouldn’t mind saving Private Ryan…no siree!! (Yes I know that is a lame joke. No I’m not going to apologize for it!)

Crystal: Yum. Just…yum.

Mad Madam M: Public Service Announcement:

You know how people are always trying to decide who the next Cary Grant will be? Well let me take a moment to say this… *clears throat* There will never, I repeat NEVER, be another Cary Grant. He can not be replicated. He’s Cary Frakkin’ Grant!!! Even dead, he is hotter than most men!! Thank you.

That ends today’s public service announcement. Tune in next week when I shall attempt to explain why hotdogs come in packages of 10 while hotdog buns come in packages of 8!

Crystal: There is only one Cary Grant. And he’s beautiful. It’s amazing how uniforms make everyone look better…even THE Cary Grant.

Mad Madam M: I wouldn’t mind meeting this officer/gentleman…no siree!! (Again, yes I know that is a lame joke, and no I’m not going to apologize for it!)

Crystal: Wow. That was an incredibly lame joke. And this is quite possibly the only movie beside Pretty Woman that I found Richard Gere hot in. It has to be the uniform.

Mad Madam M: *flails* Again with the decisions!?!?!? The guy who starred in a film that took me years to recover from (The Velvet Goldmine in case anyone was curious), but did a fabulous interpretation of the “I’m a little tea pot” pose in the George Lucas sequels that will not be named. Or the guy that starred in a film that took me years to recover from (40 Days & 40 Nights in case anyone was curious), but was completely made of awesome in Sin City. Oh decisions, decisions…

Crystal: Why choose? I’ll take them both. At the same time.

Mad Madam M: Sure it looks like Ewan is serving as the model for the new G.I. Joe action figure, but he is still dreamy… (Yes, dreamy!!!)

Crystal: What’s wrong with G.I. Joe action figures?

Mad Madam M: Not the biggest Josh Hartnett fan (he will never - NEVER - be forgiven for Pearl Harbor) I still find him quite sexy in is fatigues. There is just something about his look that makes me weak in the knees! *turns into a puddle of goo in my sheep fleece lined chair*

Crystal: I’m going to ignore that you have a dorkily lined chair, and say that I liked Pearl Harbor whether it was a crappy portrayal of history or not. And Josh can come hang out in my bed any day. He won’t be kicked out for starring in bad movies…or for being generally unable to act.

Mad Madam M: I have no idea what all those little patches mean, but honestly, I’m not looking at his chest…well other than attempting to imagine him without the coat, shirt, tie and undershirt, presumably.

Crystal: I agree completely.

Mad Madam M: *throws up arms in frustration* Again with the decisions!?!?!? But now featuring Clooney, Marky Mark, and the guy from those barbershop movies?!?! I give up, people…there is just too much uniform-clad eye candy to choose from!

Crystal: Who’s that other guy, and why is he in the pic with two of the prettiest men? I never say Three Kings, but I may have to rent it now.

Mad Madam M: Ah, Will…you really are a badass!! I mean, you are owning that uniform and don’t even get me started on the shades…

Crystal: Dude, he is so freaking hawt. The porn theme song plays in my head whenever I see him. *bow chica bow bow*

Mad Madam M: So, in case you are wondering how Jensen qualifies, other than the fact that I can’t pass up a shirtless pic of the boy (I’m serious I have a note from my doctor!), he is wearing camo pants. I rest my case!!

Crystal: Was he in the military while in those camos? I think he might not qualify. But…who cares? He’s purrrty.

Mad Madam M: Have I mentioned recently how much I love looking at Jamie Bamber? I haven’t?!?!?! Well let me take a moment to share my deep love/adoration/close-to-dangerously-obsessed reverence for the man…

Crystal: No comment. You’re making it too easy for me, M.

Mad Madam M: Sure the photo kind of prominently features Starbuck’s boobies (there is no good word for breasts…believe me I did a ton of internet thesaurus searches), but hey…that still doesn’t take away from the gorgeous sight on Apollo in his dress uniform. Apollo…uniform…pretty… *takes a moment to stare and visualize slowly removing said uniform to reveal…* Alrighty, I’ll be in my bunk!

Crystal: While Jamie Bamber is beeeootiful, I’m not going to touch the fact that you were doing thesaurus searches for tits. And I’m not going to touch your dirty fantasies of some poor little British man. And…basically, I’m letting this one go. *sheesh*

Hey all!

The new cover for Wereplanets: In Smoke is in. The book releases June 1 for the anniversary special at Cobblestone Press. Check it out. It’s a dragon shape-shifter threesome. Yum.