Crystal Jordan :: Blog

This week in honor of Memorial Day, we salute various men in uniform…albeit hot guys who have portrayed a military man in a film or on the tellie! So sit back, relax and enjoy the show, but remember no mentioning U-571, Pearl Harbor, or any film featuring Tom Cruise or Mel Gibson in a uniform, Mad Madam M is sensitive you know…

Mad Madam M: A uniform and an accent with the possibility of a dousing of water at anytime to make the clothes cling to his every muscle!?!?! It doesn’t get any better than that people!

Crystal: And look at the tight pants! Horatio can blow my horn any day. *drools*

Mad Madam M: Ok…I will admit the hat is a bit ridiculous, but I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for wearing it! Besides, do you see the size of his rifle? *wink wink*

Crystal: Um…doesn’t this movie feature Mel Gibson in a uniform at some point?

Mad Madam M: I can’t choose. I mean…Sniper. Propagandist. Sniper. Propagandist. Are you really going to make me decide? Joe has the awesome jacket/hat/glasses combo, but Jude is really working the I’m-a-tough-guy-with-extremely-tight-pants. Oh decisions, decisions…

Crystal: Those pants aren’t that tight. And what’s with the jacket? Tese dudes aren’t working for me…Jude looked better in The Holiday.

Mad Madam M: I wouldn’t mind saving Private Ryan…no siree!! (Yes I know that is a lame joke. No I’m not going to apologize for it!)

Crystal: Yum. Just…yum.

Mad Madam M: Public Service Announcement:

You know how people are always trying to decide who the next Cary Grant will be? Well let me take a moment to say this… *clears throat* There will never, I repeat NEVER, be another Cary Grant. He can not be replicated. He’s Cary Frakkin’ Grant!!! Even dead, he is hotter than most men!! Thank you.

That ends today’s public service announcement. Tune in next week when I shall attempt to explain why hotdogs come in packages of 10 while hotdog buns come in packages of 8!

Crystal: There is only one Cary Grant. And he’s beautiful. It’s amazing how uniforms make everyone look better…even THE Cary Grant.

Mad Madam M: I wouldn’t mind meeting this officer/gentleman…no siree!! (Again, yes I know that is a lame joke, and no I’m not going to apologize for it!)

Crystal: Wow. That was an incredibly lame joke. And this is quite possibly the only movie beside Pretty Woman that I found Richard Gere hot in. It has to be the uniform.

Mad Madam M: *flails* Again with the decisions!?!?!? The guy who starred in a film that took me years to recover from (The Velvet Goldmine in case anyone was curious), but did a fabulous interpretation of the “I’m a little tea pot” pose in the George Lucas sequels that will not be named. Or the guy that starred in a film that took me years to recover from (40 Days & 40 Nights in case anyone was curious), but was completely made of awesome in Sin City. Oh decisions, decisions…

Crystal: Why choose? I’ll take them both. At the same time.

Mad Madam M: Sure it looks like Ewan is serving as the model for the new G.I. Joe action figure, but he is still dreamy… (Yes, dreamy!!!)

Crystal: What’s wrong with G.I. Joe action figures?

Mad Madam M: Not the biggest Josh Hartnett fan (he will never - NEVER - be forgiven for Pearl Harbor) I still find him quite sexy in is fatigues. There is just something about his look that makes me weak in the knees! *turns into a puddle of goo in my sheep fleece lined chair*

Crystal: I’m going to ignore that you have a dorkily lined chair, and say that I liked Pearl Harbor whether it was a crappy portrayal of history or not. And Josh can come hang out in my bed any day. He won’t be kicked out for starring in bad movies…or for being generally unable to act.

Mad Madam M: I have no idea what all those little patches mean, but honestly, I’m not looking at his chest…well other than attempting to imagine him without the coat, shirt, tie and undershirt, presumably.

Crystal: I agree completely.

Mad Madam M: *throws up arms in frustration* Again with the decisions!?!?!? But now featuring Clooney, Marky Mark, and the guy from those barbershop movies?!?! I give up, people…there is just too much uniform-clad eye candy to choose from!

Crystal: Who’s that other guy, and why is he in the pic with two of the prettiest men? I never say Three Kings, but I may have to rent it now.

Mad Madam M: Ah, Will…you really are a badass!! I mean, you are owning that uniform and don’t even get me started on the shades…

Crystal: Dude, he is so freaking hawt. The porn theme song plays in my head whenever I see him. *bow chica bow bow*

Mad Madam M: So, in case you are wondering how Jensen qualifies, other than the fact that I can’t pass up a shirtless pic of the boy (I’m serious I have a note from my doctor!), he is wearing camo pants. I rest my case!!

Crystal: Was he in the military while in those camos? I think he might not qualify. But…who cares? He’s purrrty.

Mad Madam M: Have I mentioned recently how much I love looking at Jamie Bamber? I haven’t?!?!?! Well let me take a moment to share my deep love/adoration/close-to-dangerously-obsessed reverence for the man…

Crystal: No comment. You’re making it too easy for me, M.

Mad Madam M: Sure the photo kind of prominently features Starbuck’s boobies (there is no good word for breasts…believe me I did a ton of internet thesaurus searches), but hey…that still doesn’t take away from the gorgeous sight on Apollo in his dress uniform. Apollo…uniform…pretty… *takes a moment to stare and visualize slowly removing said uniform to reveal…* Alrighty, I’ll be in my bunk!

Crystal: While Jamie Bamber is beeeootiful, I’m not going to touch the fact that you were doing thesaurus searches for tits. And I’m not going to touch your dirty fantasies of some poor little British man. And…basically, I’m letting this one go. *sheesh*