Crystal Jordan :: Blog

In honor of William and Harry’s first American interview on Monday( which we both stayed up late to watch I might add –mmm), William’s birthday, Diana’s birthday, and the 10th anniversary of Diana’s death…we’re giving you the royal treatment this week. Enjoy!

Mad Madam M: What a way to start off the post. Please excuse me while I take a moment to compose myself. (Please feel free to hum your favorite elevator tune while you wait. I quite like bad instrumental version of classic rock songs, with my all-time favorite being a cover of Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” I heard in a hospital one time. Really stuck with me!)

Alright I’m back! So, I had a thought, but it is gone now. I think I will just have another stare and then proceed to the next hottie!

*resumes staring while trying to remember to blink every once in a while*

Crystal: He’s mostly naked. I like that in a man. Especially a king. I mean, he’s really reaching out to his people this way. Well, the likes-guys half anyway.

Mad Madam M: Look at that smile. Almost makes you forget that he usually plays some variation of psychotic madman with suicidal tendencies. (Come on…he’s even kind of suicidal in Ever After!! Well at least ‘tortured’.)

Crystal: What’s wrong with tortured madmen? I think that’s an unnecessarily prejudicial statement. Pretty men can pull madman off, really. And he’s very pretty.

Mad Madam M: I love Hallmark films…hence why I am the one person who owns the TV version of “Arabian Nights” starring Dougray as Sultan Schariar, the tormented king who keeps putting off killing his new wife because she is an awesome storyteller. This would never work for me because I would get distracted due to the prettiness (like in this pic when he is all wet and sexy) and forget to tell the story, thus leading to my quick death by silk rope. Ah well…them are the breaks!

Crystal: Well, I would need to remember the story, I’d just hand him my books and stare while he read. I’m saved!

Mad Madam M: Crappy flick. Cute (non-suicidal) Prince of Denmark. Enough said.

Crystal: Pretty much. And sadly, his looks couldn’t save the movie. Very sad.

Mad Madam M: While the sequel to The Princess Diaries isn’t the best film ever made, it did have this cutie in it…even if he is a bit smarmy. Smarmy can be hot.

Crystal: Hell yeah, it can be hot. I mean…look at him. *stares*

Mad Madam M: I must confess I have never seen Anna and the King. You see, I had a roommate once that was completely obsessed with Jodie Foster. To this day, I can’t handle watching Ms. Foster in a period piece for more than 3 minutes without losing what is left of my mind. So my question is: Sure he looks the part, but can he sing AND dance like Yul Brynner?

Crystal: Dude, Anna and the King wasn’t a musical. It was serious and even sad and shit. People died. And it was Anna’s fault. But I can see how the roomie obsession would kill the need to see. That’s a story I’m glad to never hear again. In case you were wondering. Ya know.

Mad Madam M: Lancelot, I totally get why you dug him so much, always giving him those looks across the campfire and what not. That and why you constantly shot Keira Knightly those hateful glares for stealing him away from you. Although given half a chance, I’d steal him for myself!

Crystal: Hey! Do not mock Ioan Gruffud (did I spell that right?). He was an awesome Lancelot! Those two swords were cool.

Mad Madam M: While Denzel is smoldering hot in this pick, I can’t help but crack up thinking about how those jackets make them look like they have tail-lights on their butts. Although the alternative is some strange combination of Shakespeare and the Mighty Ducks, so perhaps rear lighting should be viewed as a positive. Show them the flying ‘V’ boys!!!

Crystal: *giggles* I’ll never look at this movie quite the same way again.

Mad Madam M: Even with that hair, Rupert Everett is pretty hot. Who would have thunk it?!?!

Crystal: He his a fuck-tastic gay man. I’d do him. If he was feeling experimental, of course.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Hugh,
Just wanted to let you know those leaning lessons are really paying off. Not only do you have the smoldering, puppy-dog look down, but you have the casual, oh-so-inviting pose that makes me want to run up (well walk quickly) and have you take me in your arms. Wait, who am I kidding…I would have done that anyway!
Cheers,
Mad Madam M
P.S. Could you please choose some better films? I like you quite a bit, but still I can’t bring myself to watch Basic Instinct 2 or Blood & Chocolate. It may come as a shock, but even I have some standards.

Crystal: He was in those movies?? Oh my gawd. Ew. He’s so pretty…it’s sad that he’s so dumb. Any moron could tell that those movies would tank. Yeesh.

Mad Madam M: Finally some of my elementary school artwork is receiving the proper venue to showcase itself. Here, Eddie Murphy shows off my second grade, award winning design for a casual, but ornate crown in the hit flick Coming to America!

Crystal: Yeah, so not buying Eddie as king. And that props person should be shot. Plus, he plays about 18 different people in that film. Maybe that was all they could afford for his costume. No actors, no costumes.

Mad Madam M: So begins the Lord of the Rings segment of today’s blog. Now I know that Eomer looks a bit camp in this pic (if I was being honest, I would point out the fact that he has better eyebrows than I do, but I am not an honest person so we’ll just forget about that), but it was this or full armor and well, I wanted to indulge in a good stare at the softer side of the most awesome Rohan leader!

Crystal: He’s so pretty. And don’t worry, M. He may have better eyebrows, but you have better hair. So there.

Mad Madam M: I know what you are thinking, “Wait, Faramir is the son of the Steward of Gondor…that isn’t royalty! What are you smoking?” My rebuttle is simple: he did marry a princess, which means technically he is a prince. Hey, if it worked for Lord Farquaad, it works for Faramir! I rest my case!

Crystal: I’m just glad you didn’t put Shrek on this list. And Faramir can be on Hump Day Hotties annnnytime. He has an open invite.

Mad Madam M: I tried my hardest to come up with some clever pun to use, but all I could think of was: I wouldn’t return this king! (I know it is lame, but that is the best you are going to get this week!)

Crystal: *pets monitor* Preeeeeeetty.

I realized the other day that I haven’t talked about my writing in a very long time…on my writerly blog. Yes, I’m bad. I know it. I just don’t want that dude in the back to nod off on me while I do my little dance up here for your amusement. *badly imitates Carmen Miranda*

Okay, so on with writer-stuff. First, I entered Every Witch Way (that much beloved and often maligned story o’mine) into a contest. No idea how well it will do, but I hope it does well and they request a full so I have an excuse to force myself to finish that sucker once and for all. It’s been mostly-almost done for over a year now. Yes, I’m bad. I already admitted that.

I’m hauling ass to finish up a novel so I can pitch to an editor at RWA Nationals conference in Dallas. Can’t wait for that. This is another novel that’s been mostly-almost done for about six months. Yeah, yeah. I’m bad.

I got two new ideas for series I want to write. One erotic, one not-so-much. Not sure who I’ll try to sell them to yet, but they both have my juices flowing. *yay* However, I’m still being a good girl and finishing my current projects first. Any of you who are fans of the Wereplanets series…I’m hammering out the details of the fourth book in my head and then will put fingers to keyboard. No idea when it might release, yet.

Okay…I think that’s all. Except I coded a myspace page for The Novelty Girls yesterday (and whine the whole time) so friend us if you get a chance. Oh, and here’s my myspace, too if you haven’t friended me yet.

The Novelty Girls MySpace

Crystal’s MySpace

It’s Horny Haiku Monday over at The Novelty Girls.

Come watch and see what stupidity I pull out of my bum this week. ;)

This quiz is about hoe Capricorn you are…and since I am, in fact, a Capricorn, I hadda take the test. And, whoa, I’m reeeeeeally Capricorn. Who new?

You are 87% Capricorn

Reporting today from the WhyGodWhy? front. This is to tell you that exercise is for masochistic, crazy-insane people.

I’m working out with Persnickety Hooch now four days a week and she says we need to do weight lifting. So, knowing jack about actual exercise because I haven’t done much more than a line dancing class since high school in California. And–though I love me some Cali–don’t get me started on public education in the home state.

Anyway, the point of this whine is that I want to die. We did lower body weight stuff, and my legs feel like they’re charlie-horsing non-stop and I can’t even get up because shooting pain goes straight from my calves to the pain-center-place in my brain. It would be funny if I didn’t tear up every time I tried to stand. (I wish I was kidding–but I’m not)

And since I know you’re reading this PH, and I’m in too much pain to get up and fetch my phone so I can call and curse you and all you forebearers, I’m gonna put it out there: I QUIT. Being in shape is not worth this kind of agony–fat girls need love, too! I can represent! Why do people do this to themselves? It can’t be because it’s fun. It just can’t. I mean it. Charlie-horses are Not Okay.

Seriously. What rat bastid came up with this shit? I blame the Greeks. That whole Olympics thing is all their fault. Damn you, ancient naked athletic types! Though, it’s cool that you were all hot and oiled up and naked. But still…

So that’s the school house rock message for today: Manic exercise is only for masochists. Which I am not.

Kill.Me.Please. *begs*

Two books to pimp out for your viewing pleasure this fine Friday morning. As always, I’m letting you know to put your money where my mouth is. Have fun.

Faerie Queen by Yolanda Sfetsos

from Cobblestone Press

Shay Lees left all alone on the throne, while the Elders teach Glen the way of the Faerie. Bored, missing Glen and unable to continue her Fae-Hunter duties, she decides to lift the stringent no-love restrictions. But her impulsive decision puts the faeries of Breena in terrible danger…

DRAGON DANCE now available!

from Freya’s Bower

Self-preservation, not cowaradice, drove Cora Phillips to run from the supernatural intrigues surrounding Salim Aridi, Greg Cho, and their respective dragon aspects. She spent a year rebuilding a sense of normalcy, and she learned to cope with the residual nightmares that followed her brief collision with modern myth.

The moment Salim loses control, however, the dragons demonstrate just how meaningless human distance really is, and return to remind Cora that dragon ties are not so easily broken.

If you haven’t read MATING CALL, the first book in the Dragon Queen trilogy, you can read an excerpt here!

I totally stole this from Anna J. Evans…you google your name and put thirteen random things that come up with “your name needs”. Unfortunately Crystal isn’t just a name, it’s a thing…quartz crystal. Fun, no?

Thirteen Things that Crystal needs 1. Crystal needs a LOT of love. She just isn’t getting it at home and it is unlikely she ever will. This is so true. How did they know? It’s Big Brother and 1984…they’re watching me! 2. Crystal needs extra care, so read on for cleaning tips. Crystal needs to sit in a super-saturated solution to continue growing. I’m not certain, but I think this one is encouraging me to drink. I can handle that. I’ll take a Zombie, a cranberry Marg, and some Sex On The Beach. 3. Crystal Needs improvement Drop dead, asshat! That’s none of your business! And like you’re soooo perfect. 4. Crystal needs to spend a great deal of time in solitude to meditate And that means I should go on vacation. Alone. And hang out with my friends Jack, Jose, and Jim. We go waaaaaay back, me and those three. 5. Choose the best answer : 1) Crystal needs a haircut. 2) Crystal needs new shoes. 3) Crystal is tired. Dude, where D) All of the above? 6. Crystal needs extra special care and the gold surface should never be rubbed or scrubbed I didn’t know I had gold surfaces. Neat! 7. Crystal needs to know how loving couples interact. Wow. They obviously don’t know about my books. 8. Shining crystals for your shiny crystal needs. Because everyone has crystal needs. They love me, they really love me. 9. I think Crystal needs a rule that children who are not toilet trained are not allowed in the pools!! Did I set off the pee pee dye in the pool again? Damn. Every time. 10. Crystal needs cleaning when it appears dusty or dull. I have excellent grooming habits, I never get dull or dusty. Just ask R.G. 11. Scientists have long assumed that a crystal needs to be perfect to sustain stress at its theoretical limit. This is so not true. Crystal does not need to be perfect to sustain a shitload of stress…way beyond the normal limit. Stupid scientists. 12. So, to get the cat’s-eye effect, the typically rod-shaped rough crystal needs to be sliced along its length. Owwwww. You’ll get more than the cat’s-eye effect if you try that shit. 13. Finally, if you are in a hurry and feel that your crystal needs to be cleared, you can easily run them under cool tap water. This sounds like a fetish I can’t endorse. There will be no randomly dousing me in water. Anyone tries this shit at conference and severe beatings will ensue. Then the Crystal will be cleared…of criminal charges. Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Well, the Mad Madam M and I both went to see the new Ocean’s 13 movie. And while nothing will ever beat the first one, we both agreed this was better than the second one. Enjoy the pretty from all three flicks!

Mad Madam M: *guh* The pretty. The matching manly stares. The intense looks of determination. I repeat…guh!

Crystal: *happy sigh* Look at them just standing there all pretty and stuff. I mean…look.

Mad Madam M: Not sure why Brad is wearing that ridiculous vinyl-looking bathrobe. However, George and Matt are really working those suits!

Crystal: And with the bathrobe too big for him, he looks like he has a little bitty head. Someone in the wardrobe department needs to be shot for that one.

Mad Madam M: And I thought I couldn’t love airports any more that I already do?!?!? Well played Ocean & Co. Well played indeed!

Crystal: That would make getting stuck in a layover just peachy for me…to sit and stare at the line up. Yuuum.

Mad Madam M: I LOVE the Mormon twins, Virgil & Turk. *nods vigorously for emphasis* Just thought I would point that out now, since you will be seeing a whole lot of them!

Crystal: They’re funny looking…not so much hot as funny as hell. Which makes them kind of appealing now that I think about it. Laughter is sexy.

Mad Madam M: Sure Brad leans like a pro, but to be honest, I am staring at Scott Caan’s guns. *turns down the air conditioner a couple of degrees* If only he was standing there without the striped blue shirt. *goes to turn down the ac a couple more degrees*

Crystal: Yes, I’m in favor of him going shirtless. I bet he has abs/guns/pecs of steel. Oooh! *dances in front of M’s A/C*

Mad Madam M: If only these were the guys in the van that followed me to Starbucks this morning. I would gladly be willing to be kidnapped! *offers wrists to be bound*

Crystal: Dude, I would kick your ass out of the way to be kidnapped first. Best friends or not…hello! Did you see those guys? Yes, M. I know how you’d hate it, but I’d jump the queue for the chance to be manhandled by them.

Mad Madam M: Ok…not really ‘hot’ per say, but they are cool. You have to agree with that!!!

Crystal: I like to think of it as more of browsing gallery. They have something for every taste. Every shape, size, color, age. Hot man shopping. Choose your own adventure. Whatever.

Mad Madam M: Honestly, I just liked the room. I kind of found it hot with it’s skewed angles and bright coloring. (That counts right? Right?!?!?!)

Crystal: That is a cool room…could have used a close up of George’s face that close to Matt’s package. Hot man love! Wooo!

Mad Madam M: Hey I warned you about this already so no complaining. Just let me stare at Casey and Scott!

Crystal: Go ahead and stare. I like a man in formal wear. They come with a bow for your unwrapping pleasure. And those two have really pretty eyes *stares for a moment*

Mad Madam M: Not sure which is the prettier sight: Clooney, Vincent Cassel, or the scenery. I think I might have to call a three-way tie! I wouldn’t want to offend anyone…not even the landscape!

Crystal: I think I would be better able to judge if they were both naked.

Mad Madam M: I have the solution for the financial problems continually faced by PBS. Next year instead of tote bags, give the option of receiving this very special “Bill Nye the Science Guy” dvd with celebrity hosts Brad, George & Matt! I’m telling you, it would beat whatever version of Riverdance they are trying to pawn off on people this year!!

Crystal: Pretty and smart. *O face*

Mad Madam M: Even in hideous red suit jackets, I am undeterred. The son of Sonny Corleone and the brother of one half of both ‘Bennifer’s rock. Rock, I tell you!!!!

Crystal: Eh. The red coats aren’t doing it for me. Maybe if they were naked… (If I want it really, really bad it will happen, right? Right?)

Mad Madam M: “When you’re laughing , the sun comes shining through…” (And I don’t mind being sun-burnt for you guys!)

Crystal: Laughter is sexy…I already said.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Mr. Clooney & Mr. Pitt,
While I understand that you can do little to hide your God given looks - sexy, gorgeous, mouth-watering good looks I might add - could you please try and tone it down just a wee bit? You keep distracting me from other important things like work and my god-will-it-ever-be-over thesis. I really can’t afford to continually stare at you. I only have one year of student loan deferment left.
Yours in Appreciation,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Amen.

It’s time for some Horny Haiku over at The Novelty Girls.

Enjoy!

I dunno about the popular part, but I really crave some ice cream now. So who’s strawberry ice cream? We should totally hit the malt shoppe together!

You Are Chocolate Chip Ice Cream

You are kind, popular, and generous. You tend to be successful at anything you try. A social butterfly, you are great at entertaining a crowd. You are most compatible with strawberry ice cream.