Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Arnie the Red-Pantied Handyman first came into my life when my bathroom ceiling leaked last spring.

At the time, we found my upstairs neighbor’s toilet was leaking. Thankfully just water and not…other shit. Then my landlady goes on strike…uh, I mean, vacation to Europe. And doesn’t tell us when she’ll be back. And doesn’t tell us who to contact if the building blows up.

So…when my bathroom ceiling started leaking again a few weeks ago, it meant my upstairs neighbor had to stop using her second bathroom (the one above mine). We think it’s her bathtub this time, but I’m anticipating a giganticus hole in the roof when I get home again tonight.

Is it too much to hope that Arnie has lost his fixation with red panties and moved on to a less horrifying shade? Like purple tie-dye polka dots?

I’m doing my monthly thing over at the Aphrodisia Authors Blog today, so come check me out.

(Is it bad that I still get a teensy thrill out of being part of that group?)

M and I thought that we’d do the alphabet letter B this week. We thought of Brad Pitt immediately, and then decided to go no further than hot men or characters named Brad or Bradley. So this is to all things Brad, which if you look it up in Ye Olde Baby Name Book, here’s what you get: it is of Old English origin, and its meaning is “broad meadow.”

On with the pretty!

(If you don’t know who this is…I don’t know how I can help you!)

Mad Madam M: *guh* What a way to start the day!

Crystal: Shh. I’m staring at the man-meat.

(Bradley Cooper)

Mad Madam M: So he looks a little mischievous…I luuuuuurve my boys a little bit naughty!

Crystal: Really, M? The things we learn about each other every day. Huh.

(Mark Valley used to play the role of Brad Sherwood on Boston Legal)

Mad Madam M: Remember what I said about bubble baths…he does look kind of gay, but also quite hot. And the ‘hot’ is definitely winning the battle!! Bring on the bubbles!!

Crystal: He’s pretty. I mean, look at those guns. But…what’s up with his hair? Whoever was in charge of hair on that photoshoot should be reminded that the roadkill toupee look is out.

(Zachery Ty Bryan played Brad, the oldest of the Taylor brothers, on Home Improvement)

Mad Madam M: *shhh don’t tell anyone* I sooo had a crush on him in my early teenage years. Jonathan Taylor who? Just kidding! *I’m not kidding about the whole secrecy thing…NOT A WORD*

Crystal: Um. Right. You do realize people read this blog. They may not comment, but they read. Eeeeexcellent place to come out of the closet. Quietly.

(Michael Muhney played a guy name Brad in some 2001 made-for-television movie)

Mad Madam M: I was soooo pissed when they killed off Sheriff Lamb. *oops spoiler alert* I mean, just look at those abs. And did I mention this was taken after he participated in a cancer charity run.

*punches Rob Thomas - the Veronica Mars creator not the Matchbox 20 guy - through the internet and then runs for cover*

Crystal: No. No. Don’t lift the shirt. Take it all the way off!

(Brad Paisley)

Mad Madam M: Goodness…he’s such a cutie!! And did I mention he can play a guitar!

Crystal: I love him. He’s my favorite country singer. And it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he’s pretty. Nothing at all.

(Bradley Whitford…you know the guy from the Aaron Sorkin shows!)

Mad Madam M: While most everyone else chose Sam Seaborn as their TV boyfriend, Josh had my heart in the pilot!

Crystal: It was a tie for me until Sam left. Then it was aaaaaaall Josh.

(Jensen play a guy named Brad in the TV show Sweet Valley High)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Future Pool Boy,
I would just like you to know that I have hardwood floors and you are welcome to lounge on them anytime you like. Just think about it!
All You Have To Do Is Ask And I’m Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Someday, I will buy him for you for your very own pool boy. When I’m rich and famous, he’s all yours.

(Guess who?!?!)

Mad Madam M: Do I really need to remind you of my long love affair with a white wife-beater over ripped abs?

Crystal: *happy sigh*

(Chad Allen played a guy named Brad in a ep of The Wonder Years and in som low rated 2001 horror film)

Mad Madam M: Yes, I watched Dr. Quinn and no I am not ashamed…well not too much.

Crystal: I’m ashamed of it enough for both of us that you watched that show.

(Brad Renfro)

Mad Madam M: I have watched The Client a million times and Tom & Huck far more times than I will ever admit to.

Crystal: Eh. He doesn’t do it for me. Kick the dude off for M and gimme the motorcycle.

(Tim Omundson played a guy named Brad in an interesting 2001 film entitled Hard Pill)

Mad Madam M: Gotta love a man with a badge!

Crystal: I love him in Psych! That show rocks.

(Mr. “Chick from Father of the Bride“)

Mad Madam M: I have no clue why Willie and Merle cautioned mothers to not let their son’s grow up to be cowboys? Just look at this cutie!

Crystal: I love how he paid his wife to be in a music video just so he could ask her out. Such a cute story.

Mad Madam M: *attempts to lick the pretty abs through the monitor*

Crystal: I think I just showed him my “O” face.

Every author has these times where they just go I don’t wanna. I’m having one of them now. Someone says something about your writing or you take a critique badly or something happens and you just look at your writing and say what the holy hell was I thinking to start writing and imagine it wouldn’t be complete and utter horsecrap?

Horsecrap of the fresh and steamy variety.

So, yeah. I feel like I’m writing madly and the word count never really goes up, and what I do accomplish blows and no one in their right mind would want to buy it and read it.

I know, I know. I’ll be jazzed about something soon and this time will pass. It always does, and I’m glad about that.

For the moment though. Just shoot me. I’ve lost the will to write.*

Icky-poo is the general consensus at this point.

*This does not mean I get to ignore looming deadlines. It just means I’m allowed to have some wilting gothic decline moments of drama queen. Carry on.

I’m over at The Novelty Girls today. Come visit!

Spontaneous by Karen Erickson

Sophie Kincaid doesn’t want to be attracted to her boss but she is. Sick and tired of being used by men, she’s sworn them off. But her hot and now slightly drunk boss just became too hard to resist.

His girlfriend dumped him and now Ian Grey is drowning his sorrows in alcohol, something he never does. Flirting with Sophie the sexy bartender inspires him to do even more things he’d never consider. Like have hot sex with her in the storage room.

They can’t deny their attraction for each other but Sophie’s afraid she doesn’t measure up. And what does Ian want from her anyway? She’ll have a naked good time figuring it out…

Get it here!

So, Mad Madam M’s mom (say that 10 times fast) is allergic to animals. This means M grew up with out the magic of animal hair all over her bed, and no poop in the backyard or litterbox to scoop. You know, the awesome part of being a pet owner.

She decided to retire her title of lest pet having woman and get an animal. One that wouldn’t kill her mom’s allergies. A fish, in fact. Probably one of the most entertaining shopping trips I’ve ever been on when she went to the pet store to get fish food and everything she would need to care for her new pet.

I give you, my new godson: MacTaren. (Suitably named after the hero of one of her bad men-in-skirts-I-mean-kilts romance novels)

So, the Persnickety Hooch and I volunteered to give a tour of the library today for incoming students. Aww…lookit the leetle freshmans.

The problem? Um, the library is under construction so I have no clue where anything is because they keep moving crap. So…yeah…this is going to be fun.

I picture my roll here as that of comedy relief while the PH actually gives out some useful information on where to find shit in the library. I can do that. Court jester is a roll I’m comfortable with. I have no idea if they’ll lagh because they think I’m “challenged” or because they think I’m actually funny, but HEY. Does it really matter in the end if they laugh on cue? I think not!

Wish me luck!

This week is dedicated to the bold and the beautiful stars of soap operas…well, the General Hospital stars anyway. Whatever, on with the pretty.

Mad Madam M: Pretty…sweaty…glorious…abs! (Note: Avoid looking directly at the hair. Could possibly cause irreparable harm.) *adjusts gaze back onto abs and melts into a puddle in chair*

Crystal: I bet he got jumped in the shower a lot by other boys. I’m just sayin’

Mad Madam M: Sure he is more ‘cute’ than ‘hot’, but The Jackal will NOT be denied! He is truly the assassin of cyberspace.

Crystal: I thought we already did the HDH on barely legal boys. Stop the madness!

Mad Madam M: And did I mention he has an accent?

Crystal: And very, very pretty…eyes.

Mad Madam M: No clue what is going on in this pic…I’m too distracted by the tribal biceps of hotness!

Crystal: See the sticks, M? He wants to spank you. You know you like it.

Mad Madam M: Remember what I keep saying about leaning. I will keep on saying it until I have convinced the world…or I get bored and find a new quest to enlighten the world.

Crystal: Rock on, twisted sister.

Mad Madam M: I have never cared for skinny tie, but I might have to change my policy…however only after ripping off the shirt myself!

Crystal: Yeah, I’m not loving the look either. He should be more naked…see several pics above for examples of proper dress code.

Mad Madam M: See…he even left a space for me! How utterly thoughtful!

Crystal: Man, I could say some naughty, naughty things here, but I’m trying really hard to keep it PG-13. Damn it.

Mad Madam M: Sure, he’s an evil bastard, but still…what is a soap without one? Nowhere my friends. Nowhere!

Crystal: Sometimes you need a bad, bad man. What can I say?

Mad Madam M: Ok…scruffy stubble may not be the best look. However, do take a moment to check out the awesome abs! It is well worth your gaze!

Crystal: Abs are nice, But…why are his panties sticking out. And why to they look suspiciously like the tighty whitey variety. That is just not right.

Mad Madam M: Hello Ambercrombie! (One must never forget that most soap hotties really only have experience in modeling…not necessarily action. But hey if I want to see good theatre I can watch something produced by the BBC!!)

Crystal: Soaps do have a special gift for pretty people who can’t act.

Mad Madam M:
Dear scruffy Patrick,
You might want to try this look more often. I mean, from this pic alone, I might have to add scruffy to the “…is sexy” list. However, I wouldn’t want to rush anything or put undue pressure on your specialized grooming. Therefore, I must conclude that further analysis is required. As a man of science, I know you will see the wisdom in this approach. I would be willing to donate my time. Just let me know!
Adoringly Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: *giggles*

Mad Madam M: Not sure what he is staring at, but I know what I am fixated on!!

Crystal: He looks either bored or constipated, I can’t decide which.

Mad Madam M: Pretty boys can be sexy. Besides he has pretty good hair for a soap star.

Crystal: *whispers* Man nipple.

Mad Madam M: Suits really do make the man. Although…wouldn’t mind seeing him out of it! *wink, wink*

Crystal: Nice pinstripe. I’m totally staring at the…pinstripe. I swear.

Mad Madam M: Hey, the early 90’s weren’t kind to anyone. The boy is still hot despite that fact!! *blows kisses*

Crystal: Well, that answers the question of whether or not pretty, muscley soap stars practice fake tanning. Hello, orange tinge.

I got an email from my agent who talked to my editor (can I say that again because it just sounds so cool that I even HAVE those kinds of people?) who gave me info on which anthology In Ice will be in and when it’ll come out.

I didn’t ask if I could announce it so I’m not going to just yet, but I have a release date. And I know which Kensington Aphrodisia anthology I’ll be in. I’m freaking out a little because it suddenly feels so official and REAL. I know it probably should have felt real when I sold over a month ago, but it didn’t.

Now it does and I’m thinking: how freaking cool is THIS?

Yeah, yeah. I’m a little slow on the uptake, but having a book title, anthology, and release dates just makes it all more solid.

I like it. I could get used to this. ;)