This Hump Day Hotties is a shout out to my baby cousin (henceforth known as Calamity Jane) who just turned 18 on Tuesday. (Mad Madam M here…I just needed to interject something: Happy 18th Birthday Calamity Jane!!!! I can’t believe you are now legally an adult!! Man, I feel old!! Okay, I’m done…back to Crys!) In honor of her, we’re doing a barely legal edition of HDH. And I have to say that M and I felt really dirty and creepy looking at these pics.

How did we come up with this brilliant idea? Well, it went something like this:

Me: You know Calamity Jane reads my blog sometimes.
M: What? She’s way too young to read the stuff we write about. Especially the stuff you write on your blog when I’m not here to supervise you.
Me: Whatever. She’ll be 18 this week.
M: Well, that is just freaky and wrong and I refuse to think about it. I mean, I knew her when she was…well, I don’t know how old but she was short and skinny.
Me: Yeah, and now she’s got a rack that boys stare at. She was 11 when you met her, by the way.
M: Like I said, freeeeaaaaaaaky!
Me: We should celebrate by doing a hump day hotties post in her honor.
M: Who would we put on it?
Me: I don’t know…guys her age. She’s not allowed to look at the over 21 crowd. They’re a bad influence.
M: Which guys are her age?
*long pause*
Me: Um…
M: Yeah…
Me: The Harry Potter Boys?
M: Oh and my inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray?
*extremely long pause*
Me: There has to be more than that.
M: Does there?
Me: Shit if I know.
M: We’re screwed.
Me: But not by them, they’re in kindergarten still.
M: Thank you so much for that mental image while you force me to go look for overage pictures of these guys. Sometimes I really do hate you.
Me: You’re welcome!

Mad Madam M: Up first…my inappropriate crush wearing a wife beater. As you might already know, I have a soft spot for boys in wife beaters…

Crystal: Well, he has pretty eyes. And I think I might see a boogie in his nose. What? He has it all pointed up and everything!

Mad Madam M: In this picture, Shia looks remarkably like my 19 year old cousin. Excuse me while I attempt to bleach my eyes balls so I can continue with limited traumatic memories that will lead to psychiatric harm. *whimpers*

Crystal: Wasn’t he in The Greatest Game Ever Played? I loved that movie! It was so cute!

Mad Madam M: Never saw Narnia since I didn’t want to ruin the memories of my mom reading the books to me as a child, but I would be willing to watch Will in another film. He’s kind of a cutie! (Oh god I feel old and dirty…must not drink before noon…must not drink before noon!)

Crystal: He was super cute in the movie! Young, but, you know, cute. *sings* I feel icky, oh so icky

Mad Madam M: Ah quite the dashing Englishman. Too bad the film version of Eragon turned out so badly. We might not be seeing Edmund Speleers for awhile and that is a shame. Just look at him!

Crystal: Wow, I thought it was just the older ones, but apparently Englishmen in all age ranges look a little gay.

Mad Madam M: Cute and he has a great name in Sky High: Warren Peace! I mean, with those looks, Steven Strait may have steered a whole new generation toward Tolstoy’s classic tale of Russian society during the Napoleonic era. Ok…maybe not, but you never know!

Crystal: Oh, look. It’s my inappropriate teenage crush. It’s not my fault. He’s in a band and he had superpowers!

Mad Madam M: Little Harry’s all grow’d up. *wink wink* (Did I just say that? Man I am I going to need some expensive therapy after this HDH. Damn you, Crys!)

Crystal: It’s Calamity Jane’s fault. Damn her for coming of age.

Mad Madam M: I think he may have some of the dreamiest lips I have ever seen,with the notable exception of Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords who is thankfully 7 years older than me!

Crystal: Okay I feel old even asking, but who is this guy?

Mad Madam M: If this wasn’t enough and you want to be further horrified, feel free to click this link. WARNING…it’s not safe for work! And don’t say I didn’t warn you! Meanwhile, I know my boss has whiskey in his office. *goes looking for hard liquor in order to continue commenting*

Crystal: Man, I feel old and dirty for even looking at any of these nekked pics of Harry Freakin’ Potter. Not right. Just…not right. Damn you, Calamity Jane! You’re lucky I love you.

Mad Madam M: This boy is going places. I couldn’t take my eyes off him whenever he appeared on screen in Hairspray. Man can the boy dance and sing!

Crystal: He really did a great job in that movie! I’d like to see what he does with regular (non musical) acting.

Mad Madam M: Narnia meets Harry and I am left with a nauseating feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it is a cute picture, they just look so young. Remind me again why we are doing this post!?!?! *downs another shot of Jameson* Oh right…here’s to you Calamity Jane! *waves enthusiastically at the computer screen*

Crystal: What are they doing in this pic? Just standing there? And is Ron wearing glasses?

Mad Madam M:
Dear Daniel Radcliffe,
I know you are now of age, but could you please continue to wear a shirt and not show off your chiseled abs/muscley biceps so much? Normally people exclaim “think of the children” in order to raise awareness of some inappropriate song/film/picture/ect and thus leading to a solution that allows for the continued innocence of our youth. However, in your case, I must submit “think of the women who will end up feeling dirty/lecherous/old after seeing your muscles in this picture and remembering how only a couple of years ago, you were a precocious little wizard with cute pudgy little cheeks”. (Special sarcastic “Thanks a LOT” to the new HP movie that includes flashbacks to the first movie for taking some joy out of the viewing.) Please, I implore you, just give us a couple of years to get used to the fact that you are all grown up. At the moment, between my car, students loans, and ever-growing multimedia collections, I just can’t afford therapy bills.
Appreciatively Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: I love shoes and I will leave it at that!

Crystal: Hey! He can juggle. Look at that. *feels old and dirty for even viewing this pic*

Mad Madam M: See previous comment concerning boys in wife beaters!

Crystal: That is a very nice wife beater. And a very nice smile. I have no further comments on this matter.

Mad Madam M: My love for Ron has only grown over the years and I think a little bit of that is because of Rupert. The boy makes me laugh every time!

Crystal: I like red heads. It’s just a good color.

Mad Madam M: You definitely are the “Ladies Choice”! (Oh man…where did I put that whiskey? Must dull my awareness and save my mind from further damage!)

Crystal: More of M’s inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray.

Mad Madam M: Thank goodness…with the longer hair he no longer looks like my cousin. Unfortunately, now I find him attractive. I may have to see that Transformer‘s flick DolphinSue keeps telling me to go and see!

Crystal: I assume DolphinSue is some friend you’re cheating on me with. Hussy.

Mad Madam M: Not only can the boy sing and dance, but he has the greatest hair! Oh and please don’t point out the fact that 2 boys up from High School Musical have appeared in this post. I have spent years blocking out the truth…the fact that I love that silly Disney film. So please think of my mental health and remember I am holding onto a thread here! *tries to regain self-respect but failing to do so…finishes off the bottle of Jameson whiskey*

Crystal: Thank God it’s over. Happy birthday, Calamity Jane!