I may have posted about the mondo, ginormous, scary-ass spiders that sometimes creep into my apartment. I have a deal with all things pestilent–they stay out of my house, and I don’t kill them. I think it’s a fair trade.
Anyway, so I was on the phone with Mad Madam M the other day when I saw a huge dark shadow tucked into the corner of my bathroom.
Me: What the fu–
M: What’s wrong?
I creep closer, dancing on my tippy toes because it might be the Shelob of all spiders. Bigger than anything I’ve seen yet.
Me: *squeaks* Oh my gawd!
M: WHAT??
Me: Shelob’s in my bathroom. Ew, ew, eeewwwwww.
M: Get the bug spray.
Me: What the hell do you think I’m doing? Asking it over for tea?
*long pause*
M: Jesus, Crys. I can’t see what’s going on. Tell me!
Me: Okay, I have the bug spray, I’m getting in the bathtub so when I spray it it can’t kill me.
M: Good plan.
Me: I thought so. Here goes.
*sprays spider*
Me: Ah! It’s running. After it unfolded from the corner…it’s HUGE!
M: Well, spray it again, don’t stand there admiring it’s hugeness.
*scoots along length of bath tub, shooting Shelob with bug poison until it flops over and stops moving*
Me: Okay. I think it’s dead.
*steps out of bathtub*
M: Oh, good.
*spider leaps up as soon as I’m out of the tub and lunges for me*
Me: *squeals and runs away* It’s not dead, it’s not dead!
M: Well, that sucks.
Me: Shut up, it’s going to eat me and the last words you’ll ever say to me are that sucks.
*hoses Shelob down until if it’s not dead from bug spray, it’s drowning*
M: Well, it does suck.
Me: Jesus, it’s still moving.
*grabs ginormous wad of TP and after three tries manages to scoop up struggling but still living spider*
Me: Bye, bye, Shelob.
*flushes down toilet*
M: Is it gone?
Me: It was still wiggling on the way down. You know I always have nightmares that all the bugs I’ve ever flushed are going to come back up and kill me.
M: I’m glad I’m not the only one who has that fear.
Me: We’re insane, you know.
M: At least the spider’s gone. Sanity is optional, bugs are not.
Me: You are so wise, Yoda.
M: Shut it.
Me: ‘kay.
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ahhahahahaahaha! ROFLMAO!!!!
Crystal, you are so hilarious! I’m glad you survived your ordeal and triumphed in the end.
Good thing you don’t live where I do. We have spiders, tons of scorpions–even the occasional snake.
hahahahahaha! BTW, spiders have a very hard outer shell. Bug spray doesn’t work well on them, because the poison can’t get through to be absorbed. A sturdy shoe does much better.
hahahahahaha!!!!
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Oh My God! I have that SAME nightmare!!!
*shudders*
Crystal, you are very very brave.
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Tonia: Yeah, but I have to clean up the squishe spider goo if I stomp it.
Dana: You gotta do whatcha gotta do. I mean, there was no way i was letting that thing live in my place.
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LMAO!!! I’m ALWAYS convinced all those bugs I’ve washed down drains are going to pour UP while I’m sitting on the can.
*shudders*
The horror. The horror.
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I’m missing the Sunday Funnies!!!!!
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AHHH!!!
I hate spiders!