I had the nightmare about Shelob coming out of the toilet to get me (see previous post), so I’m talking about it at The Novelty Girls today.

I may have posted about the mondo, ginormous, scary-ass spiders that sometimes creep into my apartment. I have a deal with all things pestilent–they stay out of my house, and I don’t kill them. I think it’s a fair trade.

Anyway, so I was on the phone with Mad Madam M the other day when I saw a huge dark shadow tucked into the corner of my bathroom.

Me: What the fu–
M: What’s wrong?

I creep closer, dancing on my tippy toes because it might be the Shelob of all spiders. Bigger than anything I’ve seen yet.

Me: *squeaks* Oh my gawd!
M: WHAT??
Me: Shelob’s in my bathroom. Ew, ew, eeewwwwww.
M: Get the bug spray.
Me: What the hell do you think I’m doing? Asking it over for tea?
*long pause*
M: Jesus, Crys. I can’t see what’s going on. Tell me!
Me: Okay, I have the bug spray, I’m getting in the bathtub so when I spray it it can’t kill me.
M: Good plan.
Me: I thought so. Here goes.
*sprays spider*
Me: Ah! It’s running. After it unfolded from the corner…it’s HUGE!
M: Well, spray it again, don’t stand there admiring it’s hugeness.
*scoots along length of bath tub, shooting Shelob with bug poison until it flops over and stops moving*
Me: Okay. I think it’s dead.
*steps out of bathtub*
M: Oh, good.
*spider leaps up as soon as I’m out of the tub and lunges for me*
Me: *squeals and runs away* It’s not dead, it’s not dead!
M: Well, that sucks.
Me: Shut up, it’s going to eat me and the last words you’ll ever say to me are that sucks.
*hoses Shelob down until if it’s not dead from bug spray, it’s drowning*
M: Well, it does suck.
Me: Jesus, it’s still moving.
*grabs ginormous wad of TP and after three tries manages to scoop up struggling but still living spider*
Me: Bye, bye, Shelob.
*flushes down toilet*
M: Is it gone?
Me: It was still wiggling on the way down. You know I always have nightmares that all the bugs I’ve ever flushed are going to come back up and kill me.
M: I’m glad I’m not the only one who has that fear.
Me: We’re insane, you know.
M: At least the spider’s gone. Sanity is optional, bugs are not.
Me: You are so wise, Yoda.
M: Shut it.
Me: ‘kay.

Gemma Halliday, an awesome writer who I can tell you from experience does not snore in bed, and a posse of her friends started up a website for mystery romance/chick lit writers. They rock, they’re funny, and they write killer fiction.

Plus, the website is pink with guns and handcuffs. I don’t usually like pink, but helllloooo handcuffs. Come to mama.

Here’s the website: http://www.killerfiction.net

And blog: http://killerfictionwriters.blogspot.com

Check them out!

Today’s Hump Day Hotties is brought to you by the letter A and the number 27.

Random things that the Mad Madam M and I associate with the letter A. Will you also associate these things with the letter A? Maybe not. In fact, probably not. But you come here because we’re crazy and you can comfort yourself by pointing and saying, SEE? I’m not as crazy as those two. You’re welcome.

(In the underrated film Reign of Fire – yes I meant to say underrated – Christian Bale’s character is named Quinn ‘A’bercromby.)

Mad Madam M: I watched Batman 4 times in the theatre for the plot. Really…that was my one and only reason!

Crystal: I didn’t catch it in the theatre, but I did watch it about forty times on DVD. For the plot, of course. That was a great plot.

(Love ‘A’ctually, anyone?)

Mad Madam M: No matter what, he will always be Mr. Darcy and I will always love him…regardless of how many douche-bag roles he takes.

Crystal: Remember the wet shirt scene in Pride and Prejudice? Oh, man. That was classic cinema.

(Come on…he was the reason Demi Moore had to wear a scarlet “A” in the 1995 flick. Oh and if that wasn’t enough for you…how about ‘A’zkaban?!!?!)

Mad Madam M: Don’t know how Mr. Oldman is sexy…he just is. Like a fireman or men in kilts!

Crystal: I’ll give you firemen, but men in skirts do nothing for me. Except easy access to you know what. But I’m with you…how Gary Oldman is sexy, I’ll never know. But there it is.

(Ok stay with me here. So Dule Hill was in the movie Holes with Shia LaBeouf, who turned into an ‘A’ngel at the end of Constantine. Oop…spoiler alert!)

Mad Madam M: Dule. Dule. Dule. You are just too cute for words. And you tap dance. And love Broadway. I love that in a guy! (Oh and James…you’re not too shabby either!)

Crystal: I love him in Psych. They are such cute heterosexual life partners. And West Wing! Awww.

(A is for ‘A’ngel!)

Mad Madam M: Kind of gay and kind of hot. Have to admit…the hot is kind of winning. *shhh don’t tell anyone*

Crystal: You know, I never understood the fad for this guy. He’s just okay for me. Not that I’d kick him out of bed or anything. Just doesn’t give me the undeniable urge to use his body as a jungle gym.

(In case you weren’t aware, Cary Grant’s real name was ‘A’rchie Leech.)

Mad Madam M: I don’t care how many times they name someone the new “Cary Grant”. There will never – NEVER EVER – be another Cary Grant and that’s my final word on the subject.

Crystal: Amen. Cary Grant is the classic of all things hot. There will never be another.

(I give you the cutie from ‘A’melie!)

Mad Madam M:
Dear French Dude from Amelie,
How come you don’t exist in the real world? I think we would make an awesomely quirky pair even if I don’t speak French. (However, I can translate written French, so perhaps you could just write down everything. Oh and provide me with a new French dictionary because I have no clue where mine is!) Please figure out a way to become real and then come and woo me in a most romantic fashion.
Your Prospective Amour,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Dude, no fair! I taught you to read French damn it! I should get the cute, romantic Frenchman. And I’m quirky, too! Really.

(Not that I really need to find a reason, but his call name is ‘A’pollo!)

Mad Madam M: *guh* Jamie Bamber…towel…mirror. *brain starts to implode* It doesn’t really get better than that folks! *begins fanning myself*

Crystal: He’s cute, and hot, and all yours because I think you might actually kill me if I came between you and Jamie. It’s good to know how the dynamic of your friendship works, ya know?

(Anyone else make it through Young ‘A’dam?)

Mad Madam M: Got to love a man who has confidence in his body and often wears kilts. To be truthful, the kilt thing is just a cherry on top of the whip cream!! Oohh Ewan…whip cream…cherry. What was I saying?

Crystal: I just threw up in my mouth. Men. Skirts. Shudder.

(Played Cupid, the son of ‘A’phrodite, in Xena.)

Mad Madam M: I love Karl…I just wish he would pick better movies.
Crystal: I love how each of those words is its own link. A man has to have really bad taste in the roles he takes to make that happen. Fortunately, he is very pretty. I’d do him.

(He was one of the original ‘assets’ of Bourne trilogy, but if you want something a bit more concrete, I present King ‘A’rthur!)

Mad Madam M: Clive, how I love thee. Let me count the ways…on your magnificently chiseled body.

Crystal: Jungle gym worthy, for sure.

(Ryan ‘A’twood & ‘A’dam Brody: Together again! See what I did there? I mixed fiction with reality! LOL)

Mad Madam M: Disheveled can be sexy. And hey look – a bagel. *imitates Homer badly* Baageeellll!!! *drools*

Crystal: *giggles madly*

(Paging Dr. ‘A’dam Lockwood. Paging Dr. Lockwood!)

Mad Madam M: Even with only 1 eye…Wentworth is still a fine looking man. A fine looking man that I wouldn’t mind exploring a bit more!

Crystal: Oh, that’s right. He was the doctor dude in Underworld. I love that movie. Lots of pretty. Cool costumes and guns. Sweeeet.

(If you don’t know that this is the ‘A’ckles, I’m not sure what to do with you.)

Mad Madam M: You know me…always saving the best for last. *stares dreamily* Shut it…he is too the best!?!?!?!?

Crystal: Yes, he’s the best. Pretty, pretty.

Dayna Hart, one of my awesome critique group buddies just had her first release with Samhain Publishing come out today. This book SO FREAKING ROCKS. Run, do not walk, to buy it.

Here’s the info (in case you wanna know about it before you go and buy it like I told you to–did I mention how much I loved critiquing this writer’s work?)

Go Between by Dayna Hart

Between two races that hate each other, at the doorway between two worlds, can Claire find the strength to be the emissary they all need?

Book One of The Curtain Torn series.

Halfway through her twenties, her divorce, and a bottle of rye, Claire opens her birthday present—a “pressed fairy” book.

One of the fairies is neither pressed, nor a picture. He’s the sinfully sexy Dell, who’s been trapped inside the book for twenty years. The moment Claire frees him, goblins attack her house. Dell and Claire’s only option is to use a “Between”—a rift between their worlds—to escape into the land of Fae.

There, Claire discovers the elven queen, Eliane, has a mission for her—one that has her keeping secrets from Dell. And ousting the goblins from her home is only the start.

Buy it HERE!!

Okay, I’m over at The Novelty Girls doing some crazy stuff with mixed up idioms.

So I am the unabashed whore of every genre I can find, right? You’ll notice on my backlist (click on the bookshelf link above, you know you want to) has comedy and dark paranormal, chick lit, romance, historical, contemporary, futuristic, and just about everything in between. I’ve written it all, and enjoyed it. Pretty much, I love to write romance and I don’t really care what genre I’m in. I get ideas for everything under the sun.

But that’s a problem lately–too many damn ideas. Yeah, yeah, they’ll all go on the back burner while I finish the book that will not die (see yesterday’s post for details), but gah! I’m the idea queen, I can’t help it. Basically, give me a theme and I can come up with a story idea within about thirty minutes.

And sometimes I want to drop kick my imagination. Really, what could I possibly do with all these ideas? I’ll never have the time to write them all! And some of them I love, but there’s no way in hell that anyone in their right mind would buy and publish them. Crazy. That’s all I have to say about the weird meanderings of my brain. Crazy.

Anyway, that’s my Friday thought for the day. Wicked inspirational, isn’t it?

So, in the last six months (between all my heinous deadlines) I’ve taken one of my novellas and expanded it to full novel length.

Stab. Eyeballs. Out.

I’m finally coming to the end of that loooong journey, and I have to say I’ll probably never do it again. If it’s a novella, it’s staying that way. But why did I do it this time? Let me tell you, just writing the NOVELLA made me what to fling myself off a mountainside, so the expansion was…

Stab. Eyeballs. Out.

Anyway, I expanded this book to a full novel because I have three awesome sequels in mind that I really, really, really want to write. Really. So I have to sell the first one. But that means I have to finish revising the expanded version, polish it up all pretty and send it to my agent. *pets shiny awesome new agent*

Two. More. Weeks. Of. Edits.

Blinded, but still stabbing eyeballs out. Will soon move on to other body parts.

His name is Jason Bourne. Or is it? And does it really matter when he’s this hot? M and I think not.

Enjoy!

Mad Madam M: Half of the poster makes me run and hide while the other half makes me want to use Matt Damon’s body like a jungle gym! Try and guess which response will win in the end!

Crystal: Dude, I like ‘em a little scary. There’s no question which one will win.

Mad Madam M: Jungle gym…definitely the jungle gym idea.

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: Shh…Matt’s sleeping. Doesn’t he look peaceful?

Crystal: And strangely gay. I’m scrolling up to stare at the sexy-pretty for another minute. Or ten.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Jason,
Congratulations!!! I didn’t think I would ever find a pic that could compare with Jensen on a motorbike, but I think this is definitely a contender! Keep up the good work!
Encouragingly Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Have I told you I like men on motorcycles? I’m just throwing that out there.

Mad Madam M: I love baths!

Crystal: Another reject from the slightly-gay photo shoot.

Mad Madam M: *sexy profile alert*

Crystal: He’s looking at me out of the corner of his eye, I just know it.

Mad Madam M: He’s just so dreamy!?!?!?! *sigh*

Crystal: Weirdo.

Mad Madam M: Like I have always said…reading is sexy!

Crystal: I’m a librarian and a writer, I fully support Jason’s campaign to enrich the reading habits of our youth. As such, we will be locking ourselves in my office for the next week to discuss how to better inspire…the, uh, campaign. Yeah. That’s it.

Mad Madam M: I should be commenting on the gloriousness of another Damon profile, but instead I am completely distracted by the niftiness of the Eiffel Tower in the background. And I don’t even like Paris!?!?!

Crystal: Jason Bourne. Phallic symbol. Niiice.

Mad Madam M: Leaning can also be sexy!

Crystal: Lean this way, Jason!

Mad Madam M: Yes I know there was a similar pose a couple of images ago, but can you blame me. I mean, those are Bamcep worthy!

Crystal: i can’t believe you brought up Battlestar at a time like this. I was having a moment.

Mad Madam M: Sure leather pants are a bit campy. Still…I honestly don’t care!

Crystal: Uh-huh.

Mad Madam M: He’s frakkin’ sexy. He’s Venezuelan. He speaks 5 languages (Spanish, English, French, Italian & German). And he’s definitely carrying on the tradition of hot guys that are sent to terminate Bourne!

Crystal: i have no idea who this guy is, but he’s smokin’

Mad Madam M: Remember what I said about leaning…SEXY!

Crystal: I’m telling you, he’s looking at me!

Mad Madam M: It could just be I have fond memories of the London underground or it could be I have a soft spot for smirks. Either way, I think I’m in love!

Crystal: You’re always in love, you fickle wench. Besides. He’s looking at meeeeee.

So, I read on Suzanne Brockmann’s website that she bought a seat at a charity dinner with Joss Whedon. I think anyone who’d read my blog knows I loved the show Firefly, which he created. And the spin-off movie Serenity. Though he killed my favorite character, damn him to hell. He also created Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel, which I never watched but Mad Madam M loves as much as I love Firefly.

I was thinking as I read her account of her dinner and going all fan-girl on Joss, that if I had been at that dinner I would have died on the spot. I mean, Joss AND Suz? Died. Right there. That would be the COOLEST thing to be at dinner with both of them…I wouldn’t know who to squee over the most. Or first. Or whatever.

Also, don’t forget Suzanne’s newest Troubleshooters novel is about to come out. Man, I love her Navy SEALs books. *happy sigh*