Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Alrighty, it’s that time of the week again where you wander on over to The Novelty Girls and lookit my post. Today I’m doing limerick, dirty style.

This week is a history quiz. If you get all the answers right, you get to see ALL the goods. Just FYI in case you’re at work or your kidlets are nearby.

I got all the answers right. Just for quality assurance for you, baby. For you.

Take the Naughty American History Quiz.

For whatever reason, September 15 seems to be a big day each year for me. Well, the last two years anyway.

Two years ago, I started writing and blogging on this date. (Kind of a milestone in my life, ya know?)

Last year, I signed the lease on my new apartment in Utah that took me all the way across the country from Tennessee. (Closer to California! I neeeed to be west of the Rockies. Crystals do not prosper in other climates. Yes, Loribelle, this means I did not enjoy my stint in the southernly part of the country. There can only be one southern belle and it’s all you, baby.)

Happy Anniversary! It’s been a wild, crazy-ass two years.

This week is inspired by the start of the NFL season and M’s new love (read: obsession –m) of the show Friday Night Lights. So without further ado, we give you: Hotties from Football Flicks & Tellie.

Mad Madam M: Forget to San Jose! Do you know the way to this beach? I really, really, really need to get there!!

Crystal: Hello, my name is Crystal. What’s yours? How about your sign? Wanna breed?

Mad Madam M: Funny story… I actually first fell in love with The Replacements while living in England. What can I say? Being homesick makes you do crazy things and how could anyone pass up the amusement of Keanu playing football. Besides…He’s quite the cutie!!

Crystal: Didn’t he play the deaf guy in the movie? And didn’t they have strippers for replacement cheerleaders? I thought it was funny.

Mad Madam M: While I hated the film version of Friday Night Light - blame Billy Bob - I did fully appreciate Garrett Hedlund’s ‘assets’.

Crystal: Well, this is proof that a paper bag over the head work every time. I can’t even see his face and I think he’s cute.

Mad Madam M: *having trouble forming coherent thoughts* I think I’m in love.

Crystal: Oh, man. I do him even with the mohawk and trailer park look.

Mad Madam M: Denzel seems to just get better and better with age!

Crystal: It’s true. Niiiiice.

Mad Madam M: Oohhh pretty muscley man!!

Crystal: Thank you.

Mad Madam M: Marky Mark: Making women swoon since the 80’s!

Crystal: Was it the 80s or the early 90s? Wait. Who cares? He’s pretty.

Mad Madam M: He can *wink wink* “Smash” me anytime he’d like!!

Crystal: M’s got something in her eye. Don’t worry folks, we’ll get her fixed right up.

Mad Madam M: Okay, now I know for sure…it’s love. (Well actually lust, but no need to get all technical!!)

Crystal: I’d still do him. The verdict is in.

Mad Madam M: Thankfully revealing the answer before I even thought of it…Matt Saracen: Boxers!!!

Crystal: It is the eternal question. Boxer, briefs, commando. I’m going to vote for a boxers or boxer-briefs preference, but it’s a personal choice every woman has to make.

Mad Madam M: Reason #17 I watch football themed films…toned men working sleeveless shirts!

Crystal: Sometimes they wear even less. In groups. In the shower! It’s awesome!

Mad Madam M: And did I mention the pants show off his butt beautifully?!?!?!

Crystal: Turnaround! Turnaround! Defense!

Mad Madam M:
Dear Brendan,
Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you…Thank you!!!!!
Off To Take A Cold Shower,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: I have the sudden need to start calling myself Eve and I’m not sure why.

Mad Madam M: Rudy! Rudy! Rudy! I think you get the picture…Sean’s a cutie! (Even in 50 First Dates when he plays a steriod using body builder with a lisp!

Crystal: Those were great movies. And I love Sean Astin.

Mad Madam M: He can blow my whistle anytime!

Crystal: That was so lame, I can’t even believe you went there M. Seriously. You should be ashamed.

So…I was randomly thinking about this on the way to work the other day…how I met my best friend. We were both history majors and had classes together, but I was trying to remember the exact moment we went from being study group people to actual friends. (Study groups with M are…interesting. Especially when her mom starts talking about buttons. Don’t ask.)

I think it was over a movie we both wanted to see. She knew the movie times, I had a car, we’d just finished a heinous final or midterm or something and voila, friends. I could be wrong here. Maybe I’m not remembering it correctly.

Again, this was something I was thinking about the other day. How people remember different sides of things, have a different perspective on an issue than someone else. Even though they were all there and all saw the same thing…they didn’t see the same thing.

Something to keep in mind while I’m writing, I guess. Okay, enough writerly navel-gazing. Carry on!

You know what to do: linky.

What you see is what you get. Niiiice.

Your Element Is Air

You dislike conflict, and you’ve been able to rise above the angst of the world. And when things don’t go your way, you know they’ll blow over quickly. Easygoing, you tend to find joy from the simple things in life. You roll with the punches, and as a result, your life is light and cheerful. You find it easy to adapt to most situations, and you’re an open person. With you, what you see is what you get… and people love that!

We both have short stories in the Cobblestone Press Quarterly that releases today! Come check it out.

R.G. Alexander’s is Nature Lover–a naughty little story about Mother Nature’s son. There’s a scene in there with vines that’ll blow your mind. Diiiiirty.

My story is Wereplanets: In The Tempest. For those of you who like my Wereplanets series, this is Adriana and Baleel’s story…you met these weredragons in Wereplanets: In Smoke.

Good news, bad news today. Bad news is a feel like cold dog dookie warmed over. I’m sick and I want to go home, suck my thumb, and cry to my grams. But I’m at the library and them’s the breaks.

On the good news front, I’m going to be the romance collector for the library. Sweet, no? Yes, they do have romance novels in university libraries. Love it, don’t you?

See you tomorrow, hopefully I feel better.

Come on people. Don’t be sheep. You can totally wear white after Labor Day! All the cool kids are doing it!

Mad Madam M: Start with the lithe ones, I always say!

Crystal: Ohhhh, pretty. I’ll take one to go, please!

Mad Madam M: I like to imagine that the the sheet is the only thing he’s ‘wearing’.

Crystal: It isn’t the only thing he’s wearing? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

Mad Madam M: Sometimes you just need an intense (read: smoldering) Latin stare to get you into the mood!

Crystal: I don’t even know who this guy is with his face all covered up, but he’s giving me the eye, and I like it.

Mad Madam M: Towels: I don’t always encourage the use of them!

Crystal: Right. I think he’d look great sans the white towel. Not everyone should wear white after Labor Day.

Mad Madam M: Not sure what is going on the his shirt there, but luckily I’m not really concentrating on that. Hello Mr. Mischievous Grin and his sidekick Bulging Bicep!

Crystal: Let’s not forget the pretty pecs. Yum.

Mad Madam M: In my fashion conscious world (insert hysterical laughter here), not even a striped white shirt should be worn. So, take if off Ryan!! Take it off now!!!

Crystal: What she said!

Mad Madam M: Let’s just pretend the shirt is white. ‘kay!

Crystal: It’s not white? I think it’s white. I don’t understand.

Mad Madam M: *stares…unable to turn away* Not sure if I am in love or repulse. *continue to stare*

Crystal: *whispers* I see man nipple.

Mad Madam M: Sometime, you just can’t go wrong with a good ol’ fashion white t-shirt! Although, Charlie, I wouldn’t be heartbroken if you decided to take it off. Slooowwwly!!!

Crystal: I like a man in a white t-shirt. And nothing else. So long as it goes the way of the rest of his clothes, know what I mean?

Mad Madam M: As Carly Simon once pointed out…Nobody Does it Better!!

Crystal: Mmmm-hmmm.

Mad Madam M: I *heart* white wife-beater tank-tops!

Crystal: I love a dirty man.

Mad Madam M: I also *heart* Djmon Hounsou in Calvin Klein boxer-briefs!

Crystal: I just had an orgasm.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Mr. Bale,
How do you keep doing it? How have you kept me on such a short leash for 15 years. I fell for you whole-heartedly after witnessing the glorious Newsies. Then came Swing Kids and Little Women and A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Reign of Fire and well, the list keeps going on. (No that isn’t a typo…I left out American Psycho, Equilibrium, The Machinist, and Batman in order to include an awesomely bad dragon flick!) I’m totally going to see the remake of 3:10 to Yuma and I got giddy - yes giddy - over the stupid teaser trailer for The Dark Knight even though it only had Michael Caine talking over a battered Bat Symbol. Long story short, I’d find you extremely fascinating, even if your step-mother wasn’t Gloria Steinam, which is pretty darn nifty.
Yours Forever (Yes, I really mean that!),
Mad Madam M

Crystal: He does keep you on a short leash. M. But isn’t he worth it? I mean, LOOK at him.

Mad Madam M: Yes…I did in fact watch The Fast and the Furious for the hotties. I mean, what other reason could their possibly be?!?!?!

Crystal: I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it for the hotties. I just couldn’t.

Mad Madam M: See Brad Wet! See Mad Madam M Drool!

Crystal: But wait! There’s more!

Mad Madam M: And you all thought you wouldn’t get your weekly dose of Clive. <Nelson Impression> Ha Ha </Nelson Impression>

Crystal: *sighs*