Crystal Jordan :: Blog

In honor of Halloween…

Mad Madam M: Ok…since I don’t actually watch horror flicks, I thought I would start out with some cheesy fun!!

Crystal: Dude! This is was probably one of the only horror movies I’d watch again. I’m such a chicken. But this one? “Shop smart. Shop S-Mart!” Bwah ha ha!

(Timothy Olyphant starred in Scream 2 & Dreamcatcher)

Mad Madam M: Tim, my boy. You can be the good guy or the bad guy. I’ll support you no matter what you choose!

Crystal: He’s a bad, bad man. Yum.

(Johnny Depp starred in Nightmare on Elm Street & Sleepy Hollow cuz that film gave me nightmares)

Mad Madam M: So it kinda looks like Johnny is standing in front of one of those posters that if you stare at it long enough, it will reveal a 3-d pic, so my thought is…what if he is the 3-d pic in the poster?!?!?!?

Crystal: I want one to mount over my bed.

(Ryan Reynolds in The Amityville Horror remake)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Ryan,
I just wanted to thank you for having such nice abs. I recently joined a gym for senior citizens in order to swim every morning with people who don’t swim, just walk up and down the lane. Although it makes me feel good to be the only one swimming in the pool, old men don’t always age gracefully.
Forever Grateful,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: What was that? Sorry, I was staring at the shiny, rippling abs and pecs. Mmmm…

(Dylan McDermott in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Is that a wife-beater peaking out from beneath the plum colored shirt? I think it is! *throws hands up in excitement*

Crystal: *sounds alarm* Wife-beater alert! Wife-beater alert! Get an ambulance asap before M hyperventilates and faints! She may need oxygen!

(Simon Pegg & Nick Frost from Shaun of the Dead)

Mad Madam M: Kill the Queen!!

Crystal: Another horror spoof! I love this movie. It’s entirely made of awesome!

(Josh Hartnett is in that new vampires in Alaska film 30 days of Night)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if the background is real or a really bad job of photo-shopping. Either way, I’m loving the lack of shirt.

Crystal: I was gonna say…how are you even noticing or caring about the background?

(Ryan Phillippe was in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he seems like kind of a douche, but if I’m honest, that doesn’t really matter.

Crystal: Well, we’re not dating the asshat, we’re just ogling it.

(Ben Affleck starred in Phantoms & Gigli)

Mad Madam M: At least he has the looks going for him!

Crystal: Gigli was a horror movie? Or just a horrifying one?

(John Corbett also stars in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce to you my first tellie crush. *wild applause*

Crystal: For me, it’s more of a long-standing affair. I *heart* John.

(Jared Padalecki starred in House of Wax, Cry Wolf & the upcoming Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas)

Mad Madam M: Ah, Ginormitron in argyle. Almost makes up for sitting through the House of Wax remake. Almost… Be advised it will take more than a pretty sweater to erase The Chad from my memory…not to mention Ms. Hilton.

Crystal: I would definitely put the Thomas Kinkade movie into horror. Good call, M.

(Seann William Scott starred in the first Final Destination flick)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if that is a tattoo or a birthmark, but I am willing to investigate!!

Crystal: Stifler! Wow, he looks good with no shirt on. And I’m willing to assist in M’s investigation. I’m just a good friend that way.

(Freddie Prinze, Jr. also starred in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he isn’t very good, but I always kind of go mushy at the end of She’s All That.

Crystal: In the case of pretty men who can’t act, I always merely require fewer clothes on them and I’m good to go.

(Jensen Ackles starred in *cough avoid* Devour *cough*)

Mad Madam M: Oh Jensen…

Crystal: Don’t worry, M. Some day I’ll be rich and famous enough to hire him as your pool boy.

Happy Halloween Eve! Come say hi over here. Pleeeeeeeeease.

I’m over tormenting animals for the last time today. Come see me at The Novelty Girls.

The Novelty Girls are chatting over at the eBookLove yahoo group today. We’re giving away prizes, so come hang out!

Why? Because she’s insane. And not in the way that erotic romance writers are insane. We had a chat the other day while driving to a Catholic store (don’t ask) about the strange phenomenon of people offering me ideas–obviously not understanding that I’m an idea whore–and saying they want 50% of the profit for me writing their awesome, amazing idea. Yeah, because the idea is the hard part. FYI: If you ever meet me, please do not do this. I have ideas of my own, and if yours is so awesome it must be written, then sit down at the computer and start typing.

Anyway, back to the insanity that is Persnickety Hooch.

Me: I hate when people offer me their lame ideas.

PH: Really? Because I have this awesome idea you should totally write.

Me: Fuck off and die, please. Thank you so much.

PH: But it’s really awesome. You’ll love it. You don’t even have to split the profit with me, you can just have it. You’d have to put me in the acknowledgment section so that people would know it was my awesome idea in the first place, of course.

Me: No.

PH: See, but you write shape-shifters! This is a shape-shifter I guarantee no one has written before.

Me: If you say a hippo or a giraffe, then I’m pulling over and your ass can walk home.

PH: No, no! It’s better than that!

Me: Oh, Jesus. I don’t want to know.

PH: Worms!

Me: Wyrms? Like another word for dragons? Because I’ve already done dragon-shifters–as have about 800 other writers.

PH: No, worm worms. It would be amazing. They can asexually reproduce.

Me: *long, stunned pause* Um, you realize erotic romance is about sex and romance, right? Not just about reproduction? So, would asexual reproduction be like masturbation? Auto-erotic reproduction–sorta like auto-erotic asphyxiation, only weirder?

PH: Exactly! It would be so hot! I mean there’s writhing and explicit acts of reproduction going on. Plus, shape-shifters! You know how those sell!

Me: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

PH: I don’t think you’re seeing the potential here.

Me: I think you’re so right about that.

PH: Think about it! Auto-erotic asexual reproduction.

Me: And how is that sexy? The worms would just do tandem auto-erotic asexual reproduction?

PH: Now you’re getting it. I think you should write this. I think it would sell and you’d get rich and famous off of my idea.

Me: Get out of my car.

So, Nonny was the inspiration for this post. I asked her a long time ago if she had any suggestions for Hump Day Hotties–any lickable men she’d like to see featured. Being Nonny, she said…why not chicks? No one ever features lickable women. (I’m paraphrasing, she’s way more articulate than me)

Thus, in desperate need of a new topic, M and I have finally succumb to the wisdom of Nonny, and have done an HDH on which actresses we would switch teams for.

Mad Madam M: Natalie…my number one gal!!

Crystal: After Nonny made her suggestion, it was M saying she’d switch teams for Natalie Portman that made me think we should do this post. That was a slightly awkward discussion. “Hey, M? Who else would you switch teams for?”

Mad Madam M: Sure she seems somewhat insane, but that’s part of her charm. Really!?!?!? It totally is!!!

Crystal: Like someone else I know…

Mad Madam M:
Dear Adrianne,
I think you may be stalking me (cuz we all know I am too much of a lady to stalk anyone!), but I really don’t mind. You can be on both Supernatural and Friday Night Lights in the same year. That’s fine by me!

With Unashamed Adoration,
Mad Madam M

P.S. Thanks for making Ginromitron seem normal size. That is a miraculous feat and you should totally be proud of yourself even if your ripped from One Tree Hill storyline on FNL completely blows. Well, except it seems TPTB are completely set on getting your character with Landry, which is completely made of awesome! So all in all, I’m kind of conflicted.

Crystal: Didn’t she die on Supernatural? What did you expect her never to work again? Nice dress, though.

Mad Madam M: “I’ll meet you in the red room, close the door and dim the lights…” Gotta love Moulin Rouge! It’s a rule!, people!!

Crystal: Dude, Nicole Kidman is hot. I don’t care which team you bat for. Gay men would fight over her. Seriously.

Mad Madam M: Yes, I know Starbuck isn’t a real person. No, I don’t really care.

Crystal: I know you don’t. That scares me a little, but that’s what friends are for, right?

Mad Madam M: No ones does sexy-hot Latina like Salma!

Crystal: It’s true. Just when you think she can’t get prettier, she lays the spiffy accent on you.

Mad Madam M: Love the lingerie. Love the retro look. Oh and Maggie of course…along with her hunky brother!!

Crystal: It is a family love-fest. I mean, really…Maggie? Jake? Why choose, I say both.

Mad Madam M: Sophisticated. Youthful. Classy. And did I mention she can pull off a believable British accent!

Crystal: Accents are a key to hotness, I think. They just are.

Mad Madam M: The English Rose herself and man do I love the fact that she seems so real!

Crystal: She’s not real? What is she, a Barbie Doll?

Mad Madam M: She plays one hot librarian…

Crystal: Librarians are hot! Yes! Send a memo to my ex-boy-toys, okay?

Mad Madam M: I know, I know…another British chick. But hey! We all have our types!!!

Crystal: It’s the accents. They get you every time.

Mad Madam M: Man do I love Clerks II!! Oh and Rent. How could I forget that one!?!?! Rosario’s just so versatile!!

Crystal: She is. The dancing scene from Clerks II cracks me up every time.

Mad Madam M: Gotta show Broadway some love and Sara here is a Tony winner!!

Crystal: And she was amazing in Grey’s Anatomy! Though I don’t watch that pain-filled train wreck of a show anymore.

Mad Madam M: Crys…she’s all yours!!

Crystal: Firefly hottie! She was an awesome courtesan!

Mad Madam M:For a women who always seems to play sluts…Julie – umm I mean Melinda – looks almost respectable in this pic. Okay, maybe not so much!! LOL

Crystal: Well, she has clothes on. That is a start.

Mad Madam M: Oh Veronica – yes she will always be V – you do seem like quite the spitfire! I think I might like that…

Crystal: I’m not even going to talk about what that says about you, M. I’m just not going there.

Mad Madam M: I’m so a sucker for B & W photos and big hats. Besides, it’s Natalie!!

Crystal: I want that hat.

Mad Madam M: So it turns out my love of wife-beater style tanks goes for both genders. You learn something new everyday!

Crystal: You and your wife beaters. Well, at least this one is pink. I know how much you like pink.

Mad Madam M: *bursts into flame due to the hotness of Katie, Jamie & Anders (cuz I can never remember his ‘real’ name*

Crystal: You know this is a theoretical team-switching, right M? Right? Um…

I’m over at The Novelty Girls today torturing defenseless animals. Come watch!

Allow me to take a moment to whine. If you’re not interested in reading a self-pitying whine-fest, feel free to navigate away now. I won’t be offended, honest.

So, I changed my hair color on Wednesday. I went to an ash brown, and then in a month or two when it fades, my stylist will start putting in the ash blonde–which, for those of you who’ve never seen it–is pretty much my natural color. I freaked out a bit when I realized that the only close friend I have who’s ever seen my natural shade is Mad Madam M, and that’s because we’ve been friends for a decade or so.

Right. There’s the background. On to the whine. Since I went for new color, my stylist used a new brand of dye on me. A brand I’m apparently allergic to. My scalp, ears, and neck are all red and itchy. I look awful. The problem is we’re interviewing new librarians at work and I’m on the search committee. There’s no taking time off to dope myself up and wait for the reaction to go away. Nope, I get to be at work, interviewing potential new colleagues, and teaching my students this way. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

For the record, I don’t even have any Benadryl in my house. Why? Because outside of this hair dye the only other thing I’ve ever been allergic in my whole life is bee stings. Thankfully, the campus bookstore stocks the little travel packets of it. So I took some of it, not knowing I’d be particularly exhausted and loopy for the rest of the interview/teaching of the day.

When will it end? When! It still itches two days later!! Just. Kill. Me.