Crystal Jordan :: Blog

In honor of Halloween…

Mad Madam M: Ok…since I don’t actually watch horror flicks, I thought I would start out with some cheesy fun!!

Crystal: Dude! This is was probably one of the only horror movies I’d watch again. I’m such a chicken. But this one? “Shop smart. Shop S-Mart!” Bwah ha ha!

(Timothy Olyphant starred in Scream 2 & Dreamcatcher)

Mad Madam M: Tim, my boy. You can be the good guy or the bad guy. I’ll support you no matter what you choose!

Crystal: He’s a bad, bad man. Yum.

(Johnny Depp starred in Nightmare on Elm Street & Sleepy Hollow cuz that film gave me nightmares)

Mad Madam M: So it kinda looks like Johnny is standing in front of one of those posters that if you stare at it long enough, it will reveal a 3-d pic, so my thought is…what if he is the 3-d pic in the poster?!?!?!?

Crystal: I want one to mount over my bed.

(Ryan Reynolds in The Amityville Horror remake)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Ryan,
I just wanted to thank you for having such nice abs. I recently joined a gym for senior citizens in order to swim every morning with people who don’t swim, just walk up and down the lane. Although it makes me feel good to be the only one swimming in the pool, old men don’t always age gracefully.
Forever Grateful,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: What was that? Sorry, I was staring at the shiny, rippling abs and pecs. Mmmm…

(Dylan McDermott in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Is that a wife-beater peaking out from beneath the plum colored shirt? I think it is! *throws hands up in excitement*

Crystal: *sounds alarm* Wife-beater alert! Wife-beater alert! Get an ambulance asap before M hyperventilates and faints! She may need oxygen!

(Simon Pegg & Nick Frost from Shaun of the Dead)

Mad Madam M: Kill the Queen!!

Crystal: Another horror spoof! I love this movie. It’s entirely made of awesome!

(Josh Hartnett is in that new vampires in Alaska film 30 days of Night)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if the background is real or a really bad job of photo-shopping. Either way, I’m loving the lack of shirt.

Crystal: I was gonna say…how are you even noticing or caring about the background?

(Ryan Phillippe was in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he seems like kind of a douche, but if I’m honest, that doesn’t really matter.

Crystal: Well, we’re not dating the asshat, we’re just ogling it.

(Ben Affleck starred in Phantoms & Gigli)

Mad Madam M: At least he has the looks going for him!

Crystal: Gigli was a horror movie? Or just a horrifying one?

(John Corbett also stars in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce to you my first tellie crush. *wild applause*

Crystal: For me, it’s more of a long-standing affair. I *heart* John.

(Jared Padalecki starred in House of Wax, Cry Wolf & the upcoming Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas)

Mad Madam M: Ah, Ginormitron in argyle. Almost makes up for sitting through the House of Wax remake. Almost… Be advised it will take more than a pretty sweater to erase The Chad from my memory…not to mention Ms. Hilton.

Crystal: I would definitely put the Thomas Kinkade movie into horror. Good call, M.

(Seann William Scott starred in the first Final Destination flick)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if that is a tattoo or a birthmark, but I am willing to investigate!!

Crystal: Stifler! Wow, he looks good with no shirt on. And I’m willing to assist in M’s investigation. I’m just a good friend that way.

(Freddie Prinze, Jr. also starred in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he isn’t very good, but I always kind of go mushy at the end of She’s All That.

Crystal: In the case of pretty men who can’t act, I always merely require fewer clothes on them and I’m good to go.

(Jensen Ackles starred in *cough avoid* Devour *cough*)

Mad Madam M: Oh Jensen…

Crystal: Don’t worry, M. Some day I’ll be rich and famous enough to hire him as your pool boy.