I may or may not have mentioned this, but I have a rule that my family knows about. I will not bring a guy home for them to meet unless it means he’s locked in. In other words, when/if I ever bring a dude around for them to meet, they better learn to love him because he’s staying. I’m very up front about this.
Apparently, my uncle and his fiancee decided that means I’m a lesbian. And that Mad Madam M is my significant other since she’s the only person I drag along to family event. Hey, the family is insane. Only locked in people get to meet them–and we’ve both decided that we’re way too old to train a new best friend, so the only way either of us is getting out is in a body bag. It works for us.
When my uncle and his now-wife-but-then-fiancee insisted I bring M to the wedding as my date and then went on for a half hour about how supportive of their lesbian couple friends that were coming to the wedding, it took us a second to catch on.
They left for the day and M turns to me and says: You know they think we’re a lesbian couple, right?
Me: Yeah, I caught on to the subtle vibe after the first fifteen minutes.
M: Um, well. At least they’re supportive of your preferences.
Me: They assume I’m gay because I don’t scare men by forcing them to meet the family. And they wonder why.
M: On the bright side, they think I’m cute enough to turn you to the dark side. Now your mom is never getting grandkids.
Me: She was never getting grandkids from me anyway, and she already has a granddaughter from my brother so she’ll live. What bothers me is that you’re girlier than me in general, which means they don’t just think I’m a lesbian, they think I’m the butch lesbian of our relationship.
M: Yeah, that does suck for you.
Me: Shut up!
Fast forward six months to Thanksgiving. I hung out with grams and gramps and then head over to M’s place for her family dinner. M and her mom have been cooking for days, and then we’re standing for an hour or so doing dishes. Anyone who’s done the holidays knows it’s killer on the back and feet. After we’re done, we escape to M’s room to watch a cheesy movie and I’m giving M one of my famous massages (everyone gets one, it’s my savant skill ;) ) and her uncles walk in and ogle us like they caught us doing something lewd. I give them the what-the-fuck look and they hurry out.
She turns back to me.
M: You realize now my family thinks we’re lesbians together, too.
Me: Yep. You shameless hussy, bring your lesbian lover to a family dinner. Tsk, tsk.
M: Shut up!
Meanwhile, M’s neighbor is going out of town for turkey day and asks her to keep an eye on the place, turn lights on every night so it looks like someone is there, etc. She also offers the house to M if she wants to use her TV or whatever to watch a movie. M mentions I’m coming to town so we might take her up on it as a way to escape family-time holiday madness. The neighbor’s response was, “Oh, Crystal’s coming.” She goes off on how it’s important that M and I get our private, alone time away from family. Since we haven’t seen each other in months. And she understands our need for private time. Mind you, this woman has never even met me, but apparently she thinks M and I are a couple, too. And she offered us her house as a lesbian love shack.
So, we’re walking over to the neighbor’s house to turn on the porch light for the evening.
Me: *singing* The loooooove shack is a little old place where we can get togeeeeether.
M: *laughing* Oh, yeah. Bow chica bow bow.
And that’s why she’s my best friend. But in a totally platonic, non-lesbian way. People are so weird, I swear.
Comment
wait til you DO meet Mr. Perfect and bring him home.
There will be riots. and everyone who likes ‘that M girl” will be disapproving, while all the “omg she’s a lesbian” types will be sighing with relief.
Comment
You’re *sure* there’s nothing you’d like to share with the rest of the class?
I’m still giggling about you being butch.
Comment
I can appreicate why you would be a little annoyed by this.
I, on the other hand, have been tempted to tell several relatives that I am a lesbian in order to get them to leave me alone.
You saying that’s more trouble then it’s worth?
Comment
lmoa!
Comment
Dayna: I know. They think I broke up with M and she’s just covering her broken heart by staying “friends” with me.
Sela: I know! It’s insulting. I’m not butch, dammit!
Dana: Waaaaaay more trouble than you want to handle. You get the “I’m so accepting” chat OR the “you’re going to hell” glare.
Feisty: For real!
Comment
Y’all better hurry up out of that closet before your families push you out!
LMAO!
Comment
Ha! That’s too funny! At least they’re open minded
Comment
I’m just laughing about the idea of you being butch.
Comment
So does that mean this week’s hump day hotties are going to be girls?
Comment
Mel: I didn’t know we were in a closet. I wish they’d quit stuffing us in there so they can yank us back out again.
Shelli: I guess that is the good news. Though M’s uncles were scandalized.
Amanda: It’s just not right! I’m a girl, she’s just girl-IER. Which defaults me to the butch one. So. Not. Right.
Dana: We did that a few weeks ago for giggles, go look at the archives.
Comment
I cannot WAIT to mean Madam M. She and I have much in common.
Well, except that she’s cute enough to turn you to the dark side.
Comment
Oh my gosh! What happened to those days when if you didn’t have a girlfriend to hang around with, there was something wrong with you?
You are handling it very well!
Comment
Jen: That will be a crazy meeting, I’m sure.
Cia: We’ve been friends long enough that a little lesbian claim–or five–isn’t gonna bug us. *shrug*
Comment
You know I can relate ;)
Personally I think its wonderful-I always have a lot of fun with people’s misconceptions.
Comment
I can’t say M and I haven’t come up with truly devious schemes to freak them out further about our supposed lesbianism. ;)
Comment
Oh, this is just classic. It’s so incredibly perfect. I have to stop giggling. My co-workers will wonder about me.
At least they love you…who ever you choose to be with. It’s sweet in a confusing sort of way.
Comment
I know. It’s funny, but I haven’t yet managed to be offended. If I WERE gay, it would be sorta awesome. But…I’m not, so it’s sorta weird.
Comment
Too funny. I think we might have the same family.
Had a mini-deja vu experience reading it.
I let my best friend use my car after hers got totaled in a car crash a few years ago. We work at the same place, different shifts. So I’d pick her and her kids up and drop them off at work. Then when I went to work she’d use the car to do what she had to do and come picke me up. I didn’t see anything wrong with it because the car was just gonna sit in the parking lot anyway. She helped with up keep and gas so it was cool. But of course, that’s where the rumors started.
Comment
Oh dear. You shameless hussy. Letting her use your car. That’s the first step down the slippery slope, you know. The assumptions people make, I swear.
Comment
They have it so wrong. You can’t be butch. You’re too cute to be the butch one. LOL
I was trying not to laugh because the rotter is asleep on the floor about three feet away. :D
Comment
You haven’t met M. She’s waaaaay girlier than me.
Comment
That is hilarious, Crystal. I was LOL.
Comment
Hilarious!
Comment
ROFL!
((platonic hugs)) LOL
CC
Comment
Wow so since I shared a hotel room with you does that mean I was your affair on the side? I won’t tell M if you won’t.
**Bats eyelashes innocently.**