Dixie Chick was awesome enough to send this to me in email form. I HAD to share. It was too damn good not to.
Added note: The following comments are *not* mine. If you wrote this email, feel free to drop me a line and I’ll give you credit and a link back to your website. Thanks for the laugh!
A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:
Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:
There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.
The clothes are fantastic.
Here’s how to get your butt kicked in elementary school:
Just look at that belt. It’s like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.
Here’s how to get your butt kicked in high school:
This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.
Here’s how to get your butt kicked on the golf course:
This “all purpose jumpsuit” is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it’s slightly more effective as a deterrent against prison-rapery.
Here’s how to get your butt kicked pretty much anywhere:
If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob “No-pants” Saget has his hand in the other guy’s pocket. In this case, he doesn’t, although you can tell just by looking at them that it’s happened - or if it hasn’t happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.
Here’s how to get your butt kicked at the beach:
He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.
How to get your butt kicked in a meeting:
If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.
How to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day
Dear god in heaven, I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.
In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.
As does your search for chest hair.
And this — Seriously. No words.
Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. Hell . I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.
Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I’m guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?
I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled “Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best.”
And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says “I love the way your junk fights against that fabric.”
Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:
I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:
Man, that’s sexy.
LMAO!!! I’m sorry but the night wear for men? TOO FUNNY!!!!
by Jennifer McKenzie February 5th, 2008 at 9:19 amAnd matching swimsuits. *shudders*.
I went through this trying not to suck my thumb, rock myself, and say NO MAMA NO!
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 9:20 amROFLMAO!!!
I love Cowboy Chachi!! HAHAHA
Sadly-The Cookie would probably want the how to get your butt kicked in high school outfit. Sigh.
by R.G. Alexander February 5th, 2008 at 9:41 amJust say no to Cookie.
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 9:41 amOMG I am in total hysterics that is sooo hilario! The barrell table omg…..
by Cinde aka SavvyOne February 5th, 2008 at 9:58 amI was punk back then. ;)
by Rob Graham February 5th, 2008 at 9:59 amCinde: Oh, c’mon that is a rawkin’ table!
Rob: Did you wear his ‘n hers safety pin earrings?
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 10:01 amThese are priceless. I particularly enjoy the lovely women in the last picture. Those clothes are dead sexy! (emphasis on DEAD)
This is why they had so many drugs
by Dana February 5th, 2008 at 10:04 amPsychedelic, maaaaaan.
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 10:05 ampolyester=sexy
That was hilarious, Crystal. I’m kinda digging on the retro dining set though. That would be cool in my basement. It calls out to my inner Carol Brady.
by gwen hayes February 5th, 2008 at 10:12 amI’m going to pretend you didn’t say that.
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 10:13 amOh, no! I wore some of those clothes.
by Lucinda February 5th, 2008 at 11:31 am“How to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day”
Especially on St. Patrick’s Day!
And the Lucky Charms leprechaun would make mincemeat of them!
Grrr, from the Irish contingent. The 70s were bad, but at least my mother was responsible for what I wore. Now, the 80s *shudder*…
R
by R F Long February 5th, 2008 at 11:41 ambloody hell. I hate to admit I was dressed in some of that. Damn jumpsuits. What no satin shorts and matching jackets? My sister wore a red one, I wore a blue one.
by Tara February 5th, 2008 at 11:51 amI’m going to call my mom and complain.
OK, that was fabulous.
I was born in 1977, so I was rocking out with the frilly bonnets at that time…
by Amanda Brice February 5th, 2008 at 11:55 am*snort* I’ve seen this one before, and it never fails to make me giggle…thanks for the laughs!! I REALLY needed that today.
by Rhonda February 5th, 2008 at 12:12 pmI know! Dixie Chick sent it to me…and I was ROLLING on the floor. I told her I was posting it immediately. Too funny not to share!
by Crystal Jordan February 5th, 2008 at 12:14 pmAh, got it. I thought those were your comments. LOL!
by Amanda Brice February 5th, 2008 at 12:15 pmOMG that is freaking fabulous! Um and what was with the terry cloth? Seemed to be pretty big back then. Can’t find something to wear… wait I have a towel in the bathroom I can use to just throw something together! Thanks for the laugh!
by MJ February 5th, 2008 at 2:03 pmLMAO. I love the orange jumpsuit comments.
by Lia Morgan February 5th, 2008 at 3:42 pmI was watching We are Marshall the other day, BTW fabu movie be prepared to bawl your eyes out, and I couldn’t help thinking, “My Mom dressed like THIS? How did she ever manage to land Dad. Oh, cuz, he was dressed like that.”
Stop - It’s burning my eyes.
I’m so glad that fashion has progressed.
by Sara Thacker February 5th, 2008 at 5:29 pmreally fun pics, but it was your editorializing that made the article fun. love your sense of humor. this was my fav:
The little tie must be the pull tab.
by Mima February 5th, 2008 at 6:24 pmMakes me want to get into a nice, comfy stretch terry coordinate…
by Candace M February 6th, 2008 at 2:28 pmMan, don’t you just miss seeing a guy in a sexy, plaid vest?
I cannot stop laughing. Thanks for sharing.