Crystal Jordan :: Blog

(And don’t laugh that she got bitch slapped by the cover fairy, she had no say in the making of this disco ball on crack…the story still rocks me like a hurricane!)

Here’s what it’s about:

Gaia City. A place where technology is advanced, superheroes commonplace and the masses are addicted to Who Wants to Date a Superhero?, a show that lets women compete for the chance to win a date with one of Gaia’s Guardians.

When her friend gives her an amethyst anklet engraved with strange symbols, telling her it has the ability to shield her thoughts from the probing powers of Theta Wave, she’s dubious. But she needs all the luck she can get if she’s to fight for one man’s help…and another’s heart.

And I’m going to shamelessly tell you to GO BUY IT RIGHT NOW! Click on the link. You know you wanna:
http://www.ellorascave.com/productpage.asp?ISBN=9781419914744

Ohmygod! This is just…wow. I don’t like spiders. They totally freak me out, but this was too damn funny!

I want this doll. It’s so disturbing and yet so funny.

Goth Barbie!

She tagged me, that dirty, dirty whore. (That line comes from Firefly–look it up)

1. Link back to the person who tagged you.
 Jaxipoo

2. Post these rules on your blog.
 There are rules? Wha–?

3. Share six unimportant things about yourself.


4. Tag six random people at the end of your blog entry.

5. Let the tagged people know by leaving a comment on their blogs.

Six unimportant things about myself:

:: I’m a Capricorn.
:: I’m addicted to yummy smelling shampoo and conditioner.
:: I can make anything sound dirty.
:: I have at least 20 pairs of pajamas and would live in them if I could–even to work. Seriously love my pjs.
:: I hate television commercials.
:: I love crime solving shows like CSI and Law & Order. (which is probably why I hate commercials so much–just get me to the villain!)

Tagged folks: I refuse to do it. If you wanna try this, go for it. ;)

I’m over at The Novelty Girls today. Click here. You know you want to.

I’m not one to talk politics, especially in public, but the Mad Madam M pointed me in the direction of what I think is a very creative video. Will.I.Am. from Black Eyed Peas got a bunch of singers and actors together and set a speech “Yes, We Can” from Obama to music.

So, this isn’t a declaration of my politics–I pretty much think that’s no one’s business but mine…but anything that’s as creative as this needs to be shared.

Today’s hottie is the luscious Josh Duhamel from Transformers and All My Children. Apparently, he posed nekked for an art book. And we here at crystaljordan.com appreciate art in all its…um…forms. Yeah, that’s it.

The rear view. *drool*

And the full frontal. And I mean FULL frontal. Here’s a link to the pic. It’s not safe for children or work. Enjoy!

Dixie Chick was awesome enough to send this to me in email form. I HAD to share. It was too damn good not to.

Added note: The following comments are *not* mine. If you wrote this email, feel free to drop me a line and I’ll give you credit and a link back to your website. Thanks for the laugh!

A JC Penney catalog from 1977. It’s not often blog fodder just falls in my lap, but holy hell this was two solid inches of it, right there for the taking. I thumbed through it quickly and found my next dining room set, which is apparently made by adding upholstery to old barrels:

Also, I am totally getting this for my bathroom:

There’s plenty more home furnishings where those came from, however I’m not going to bore you with that. Instead, I’m going to bore you with something else. The clothes.

The clothes are fantastic.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked in elementary school:

Just look at that belt. It’s like a boob-job for your pants. He probably needed help just to lift it into place. The belt loops have to be three inches long. And way to pull them up to your armpits, grandpa.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked in high school:

This kid looks like he’s pretending to be David Soul, who is pretending to be a cop who is pretending to be a pimp that everyone knows is really an undercover cop. Who is pretending to be 15.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked on the golf course:

This “all purpose jumpsuit” is, according to the description, equally appropriate for playing golf or simply relaxing around the house. Personally, I can’t see wearing this unless you happen to be relaxing around your cell in D-block. Even then, the only reason you should put this thing on is because the warden made you, and as a one-piece, it’s slightly more effective as a deterrent against prison-rapery.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked pretty much anywhere:

If you look at that picture quickly, it looks like Mr. Bob “No-pants” Saget has his hand in the other guy’s pocket. In this case, he doesn’t, although you can tell just by looking at them that it’s happened - or if it hasn’t happened it will. Oh yes. It will. As soon as he puts down his matching coffee cup.

Here’s how to get your butt kicked at the beach:

He looks like he’s reaching for a gun, but you know it’s probably just a bottle of suntan lotion in a holster.

How to get your butt kicked in a meeting:

If you wear this suit and don’t sell used cars for a living, I believe you can be fined and face serious repercussions, up to and including termination. Or imprisonment, in which case you’d be forced to wear that orange jumpsuit.

How to get your butt kicked on every day up to and including St. Patrick’s Day

Dear god in heaven, I don’t believe that color exists in nature. There is NO excuse for wearing either of these ensembles unless you’re working as a body guard for the Lucky Charms leprechaun.

In this next one, Your Search For VALUE Ends at Penneys.

As does your search for chest hair.

And this — Seriously. No words.

Oh wait, it turns out that there are words after all. Those words are What. The. Hell . I’m guessing the snap front gives you quick access to the chest hair. The little tie must be the pull tab.

Also, judging by the sheer amount of matching his/hers outfits, I’m guessing that in 1977 it was considered pretty stylish for couples to dress alike. These couples look happy, don’t they?

I am especially fond of this one, which I have entitled “Cowboy Chachi Loves You Best.”

And nothing showcases your everlasting love more than the commitment of matching bathing suits. That, and a blonde girl with a look on her face that says “I love the way your junk fights against that fabric.”

Then, after the lovin’, you can relax in your one-piece matching terry cloth jumpsuits:

I could go on, but I’m tired, and my eyes hurt from this trip back in time. I think it’s the colors. That said, I will leave you with these tasteful little numbers:

Man, that’s sexy.