Crystal Jordan :: Blog

So, as promised, I bring reports back from my trip out west.

1. Calamity Jane was properly shocked when M and I showed up. She squealed. She jumped. She bounced. She tackled us with hugs and happy-happy-joy-joys that we’d come. Awww.

2. M and I had some road trip fun. Here’s some of the spectacular views of Mount Shasta.

3. And did you know that when you get far enough north in California, they’d tried to break off into their own state called Jefferson? Some haven’t given up the struggle.

4. When we got to Calamity Jane’s house–what I like to call Little House on the Prairie–and enjoyed the home on the range time.

5. Calamity Jane getting all diploma’d up. And a weird graveyard thing they had set up at her high school. I have no idea why.

6. Me and Calamity Jane. Don’t look at me, look at her. She’s cuter and thinner.

7. Me, M, and Calamity Jane.

8. The kittens that were hogging most of the bathroom. Try stepping over them and not on them when you reeeeeally have to pee, and they get less cute and more annoying really fast.

9. Me and my aunt, Calamity Jane’s mom.

10. Calamity Jane in a dress. I had to take a picture because it doesn’t happen that often. She’s sporty. Also, the cake in the background is her mom’s creation. She’s a bad ass baker. Yum. If you haven’t tried Bavarian Cream as cake filling, it’s orgasmic.

11. Me and M. And, oh yeah, my family thought we were gonna make out any second. They all camped out at the cabin and we eschewed the delights of kittens and campfires to stay in a hotel. Which of course meant we were sleeping together. That we had separate beds was beside the point and a trivial detail.

12. Calamity Jane’s younger brother. He’s the baby of the family and now he’s taller than me and has a girlfriend. I feel old.

13. Calamity Jane’s older brothers.

14. More road trip fun on the way back down to Sacramento and the airplane ride back to Utah.

I’m headed to California for Calamity Jane’s graduation, but will be back Sunday. Don’t bother behaving with out me, just clean up the party mess before I get back!

Things that should be fun to see:

1. M and I are going to see the Sex and the City movie. Hope it’s good as we both liked the series!

2. Calamity Jane and her three brothers (we have trends for the one girl to three guy ratio of kids in my family) may force M and me to play a rousing game of flashlight tag in which you run around at night playing hide and go seek and if you get hit with the flashlight before you make it back tot he safety of the house, you’ve been “tagged.” Can be fun and exhausting, but also terrifying as some people are willing to be tagged if it means they can scare the pants off of you first.

3. My family in a celebratory drunken stupor. The last graduation in the family was my college graduation and we had someone drunk and passed out on the front lawn to greet the last-arriving guests. Drink early and drink often, I suppose.

4. M and I are avoiding the fun of camping at my aunt’s house with all the drunken family members by getting our own hotel room. Even though there will be two best, this will no doubt confirm my family’s assumption that M is my “special friend” and we’re have wild monkey lesbian sex. For shame!

5. Happy Graduation, Calamity Jane!

We’ll see if any of this actually happens. I’ll report in when I get back!

Hi, all!

I’m back from the great family rumpus in Texas. Sadly, they lost my luggage on the way back, so they called and woke me up to drop it off on my porch at 3 in the frickin’ morning. No sleep for me. You don’t want to see me right now. I’m so tired my face is sagging off my skull. (See how long it takes you to get rid of that visual)

Other than that, I’m peachy. I might take the day off of writing and just sleep when I’m done with work. Sounds like a plan to me. I love napping. Napping is my friend.

Also, I had sugar and caffeine for breakfast to offset the no sleep. Now I’m buzzing around like a bee on crack. Woot!

No, I haven’t joined the coveted ranks of those in that club. Fat girls barely fit in airplane bathrooms alone, let alone with someone else sporting a raging woody.

I’m gone to Texas to visit the family for Christmas…I’ll be back January 4th so posting will be sporadic from now until them.

Happy Holidays all!

I may or may not have mentioned this, but I have a rule that my family knows about. I will not bring a guy home for them to meet unless it means he’s locked in. In other words, when/if I ever bring a dude around for them to meet, they better learn to love him because he’s staying. I’m very up front about this.

Apparently, my uncle and his fiancee decided that means I’m a lesbian. And that Mad Madam M is my significant other since she’s the only person I drag along to family event. Hey, the family is insane. Only locked in people get to meet them–and we’ve both decided that we’re way too old to train a new best friend, so the only way either of us is getting out is in a body bag. It works for us.

When my uncle and his now-wife-but-then-fiancee insisted I bring M to the wedding as my date and then went on for a half hour about how supportive of their lesbian couple friends that were coming to the wedding, it took us a second to catch on.

They left for the day and M turns to me and says: You know they think we’re a lesbian couple, right?

Me: Yeah, I caught on to the subtle vibe after the first fifteen minutes.

M: Um, well. At least they’re supportive of your preferences.

Me: They assume I’m gay because I don’t scare men by forcing them to meet the family. And they wonder why.

M: On the bright side, they think I’m cute enough to turn you to the dark side. Now your mom is never getting grandkids.

Me: She was never getting grandkids from me anyway, and she already has a granddaughter from my brother so she’ll live. What bothers me is that you’re girlier than me in general, which means they don’t just think I’m a lesbian, they think I’m the butch lesbian of our relationship.

M: Yeah, that does suck for you.

Me: Shut up!

Fast forward six months to Thanksgiving. I hung out with grams and gramps and then head over to M’s place for her family dinner. M and her mom have been cooking for days, and then we’re standing for an hour or so doing dishes. Anyone who’s done the holidays knows it’s killer on the back and feet. After we’re done, we escape to M’s room to watch a cheesy movie and I’m giving M one of my famous massages (everyone gets one, it’s my savant skill ;) ) and her uncles walk in and ogle us like they caught us doing something lewd. I give them the what-the-fuck look and they hurry out.

She turns back to me.

M: You realize now my family thinks we’re lesbians together, too.

Me: Yep. You shameless hussy, bring your lesbian lover to a family dinner. Tsk, tsk.

M: Shut up!

Meanwhile, M’s neighbor is going out of town for turkey day and asks her to keep an eye on the place, turn lights on every night so it looks like someone is there, etc. She also offers the house to M if she wants to use her TV or whatever to watch a movie. M mentions I’m coming to town so we might take her up on it as a way to escape family-time holiday madness. The neighbor’s response was, “Oh, Crystal’s coming.” She goes off on how it’s important that M and I get our private, alone time away from family. Since we haven’t seen each other in months. And she understands our need for private time. Mind you, this woman has never even met me, but apparently she thinks M and I are a couple, too. And she offered us her house as a lesbian love shack.

So, we’re walking over to the neighbor’s house to turn on the porch light for the evening.

Me: *singing* The loooooove shack is a little old place where we can get togeeeeether.

M: *laughing* Oh, yeah. Bow chica bow bow.

And that’s why she’s my best friend. But in a totally platonic, non-lesbian way. People are so weird, I swear.

M’s grandma died in the past week and I just got a call from Grams today letting me know that Gramps has had a stroke. He’s conscious and able to speak clearly enough to be understood…they are sure how bad it is yet, but I’ll know more when I get home Friday.

This Hump Day Hotties is a shout out to my baby cousin (henceforth known as Calamity Jane) who just turned 18 on Tuesday. (Mad Madam M here…I just needed to interject something: Happy 18th Birthday Calamity Jane!!!! I can’t believe you are now legally an adult!! Man, I feel old!! Okay, I’m done…back to Crys!) In honor of her, we’re doing a barely legal edition of HDH. And I have to say that M and I felt really dirty and creepy looking at these pics.

How did we come up with this brilliant idea? Well, it went something like this:

Me: You know Calamity Jane reads my blog sometimes.
M: What? She’s way too young to read the stuff we write about. Especially the stuff you write on your blog when I’m not here to supervise you.
Me: Whatever. She’ll be 18 this week.
M: Well, that is just freaky and wrong and I refuse to think about it. I mean, I knew her when she was…well, I don’t know how old but she was short and skinny.
Me: Yeah, and now she’s got a rack that boys stare at. She was 11 when you met her, by the way.
M: Like I said, freeeeaaaaaaaky!
Me: We should celebrate by doing a hump day hotties post in her honor.
M: Who would we put on it?
Me: I don’t know…guys her age. She’s not allowed to look at the over 21 crowd. They’re a bad influence.
M: Which guys are her age?
*long pause*
Me: Um…
M: Yeah…
Me: The Harry Potter Boys?
M: Oh and my inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray?
*extremely long pause*
Me: There has to be more than that.
M: Does there?
Me: Shit if I know.
M: We’re screwed.
Me: But not by them, they’re in kindergarten still.
M: Thank you so much for that mental image while you force me to go look for overage pictures of these guys. Sometimes I really do hate you.
Me: You’re welcome!

Mad Madam M: Up first…my inappropriate crush wearing a wife beater. As you might already know, I have a soft spot for boys in wife beaters…

Crystal: Well, he has pretty eyes. And I think I might see a boogie in his nose. What? He has it all pointed up and everything!

Mad Madam M: In this picture, Shia looks remarkably like my 19 year old cousin. Excuse me while I attempt to bleach my eyes balls so I can continue with limited traumatic memories that will lead to psychiatric harm. *whimpers*

Crystal: Wasn’t he in The Greatest Game Ever Played? I loved that movie! It was so cute!

Mad Madam M: Never saw Narnia since I didn’t want to ruin the memories of my mom reading the books to me as a child, but I would be willing to watch Will in another film. He’s kind of a cutie! (Oh god I feel old and dirty…must not drink before noon…must not drink before noon!)

Crystal: He was super cute in the movie! Young, but, you know, cute. *sings* I feel icky, oh so icky

Mad Madam M: Ah quite the dashing Englishman. Too bad the film version of Eragon turned out so badly. We might not be seeing Edmund Speleers for awhile and that is a shame. Just look at him!

Crystal: Wow, I thought it was just the older ones, but apparently Englishmen in all age ranges look a little gay.

Mad Madam M: Cute and he has a great name in Sky High: Warren Peace! I mean, with those looks, Steven Strait may have steered a whole new generation toward Tolstoy’s classic tale of Russian society during the Napoleonic era. Ok…maybe not, but you never know!

Crystal: Oh, look. It’s my inappropriate teenage crush. It’s not my fault. He’s in a band and he had superpowers!

Mad Madam M: Little Harry’s all grow’d up. *wink wink* (Did I just say that? Man I am I going to need some expensive therapy after this HDH. Damn you, Crys!)

Crystal: It’s Calamity Jane’s fault. Damn her for coming of age.

Mad Madam M: I think he may have some of the dreamiest lips I have ever seen,with the notable exception of Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords who is thankfully 7 years older than me!

Crystal: Okay I feel old even asking, but who is this guy?

Mad Madam M: If this wasn’t enough and you want to be further horrified, feel free to click this link. WARNING…it’s not safe for work! And don’t say I didn’t warn you! Meanwhile, I know my boss has whiskey in his office. *goes looking for hard liquor in order to continue commenting*

Crystal: Man, I feel old and dirty for even looking at any of these nekked pics of Harry Freakin’ Potter. Not right. Just…not right. Damn you, Calamity Jane! You’re lucky I love you.

Mad Madam M: This boy is going places. I couldn’t take my eyes off him whenever he appeared on screen in Hairspray. Man can the boy dance and sing!

Crystal: He really did a great job in that movie! I’d like to see what he does with regular (non musical) acting.

Mad Madam M: Narnia meets Harry and I am left with a nauseating feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it is a cute picture, they just look so young. Remind me again why we are doing this post!?!?! *downs another shot of Jameson* Oh right…here’s to you Calamity Jane! *waves enthusiastically at the computer screen*

Crystal: What are they doing in this pic? Just standing there? And is Ron wearing glasses?

Mad Madam M:
Dear Daniel Radcliffe,
I know you are now of age, but could you please continue to wear a shirt and not show off your chiseled abs/muscley biceps so much? Normally people exclaim “think of the children” in order to raise awareness of some inappropriate song/film/picture/ect and thus leading to a solution that allows for the continued innocence of our youth. However, in your case, I must submit “think of the women who will end up feeling dirty/lecherous/old after seeing your muscles in this picture and remembering how only a couple of years ago, you were a precocious little wizard with cute pudgy little cheeks”. (Special sarcastic “Thanks a LOT” to the new HP movie that includes flashbacks to the first movie for taking some joy out of the viewing.) Please, I implore you, just give us a couple of years to get used to the fact that you are all grown up. At the moment, between my car, students loans, and ever-growing multimedia collections, I just can’t afford therapy bills.
Appreciatively Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: I love shoes and I will leave it at that!

Crystal: Hey! He can juggle. Look at that. *feels old and dirty for even viewing this pic*

Mad Madam M: See previous comment concerning boys in wife beaters!

Crystal: That is a very nice wife beater. And a very nice smile. I have no further comments on this matter.

Mad Madam M: My love for Ron has only grown over the years and I think a little bit of that is because of Rupert. The boy makes me laugh every time!

Crystal: I like red heads. It’s just a good color.

Mad Madam M: You definitely are the “Ladies Choice”! (Oh man…where did I put that whiskey? Must dull my awareness and save my mind from further damage!)

Crystal: More of M’s inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray.

Mad Madam M: Thank goodness…with the longer hair he no longer looks like my cousin. Unfortunately, now I find him attractive. I may have to see that Transformer’s flick DolphinSue keeps telling me to go and see!

Crystal: I assume DolphinSue is some friend you’re cheating on me with. Hussy.

Mad Madam M: Not only can the boy sing and dance, but he has the greatest hair! Oh and please don’t point out the fact that 2 boys up from High School Musical have appeared in this post. I have spent years blocking out the truth…the fact that I love that silly Disney film. So please think of my mental health and remember I am holding onto a thread here! *tries to regain self-respect but failing to do so…finishes off the bottle of Jameson whiskey*

Crystal: Thank God it’s over. Happy birthday, Calamity Jane!

So, last night I dealt with some family drama. I won’t go into what because that’s just not information I’d ever put on the web. But it was crappy and I was seriously stressed. Why am I even mentioning this? Because I figure everyone goes through some shit from time to time that effects their writing.

I made my wordcount yesterday…got everything done that I intended to get done, but I have no idea if it’s complete crap and I’ll have to go back and delete it. Which would really suck because I’m kind of on a really tight deadline.

How do other people handle the stress of real life when the shite hits the fan? I just don’t know. I muscled through it last night and got my work done, but it was a crap night over all and I dragged my happy ass into work this morning () and got the “Oh, honey. Are you sick?” speech from like four people. Yeah. That made me feel better about my life choices.

And as an FYI: go vote at the Predators & Editors poll. It’s open until the 14th, I believe. You can pick fave authors, artists, editors, forums *cough* Romance Divas *cough* And, no, this isn’t a plea for a vote for myself. I haven’t been nominated for anything. But good luck to everyone!

http://www.critters.org/predpoll/

I got the new cover for my book that comes out this friday. Leita Stevens, my stepmom, did this for me. She’s a cover artist at Cobblestone Press. Take a look at this!

I’m sorry, but he’s just hawt. And I think his eyes are following me. Yum.

So, I worked today. Whoopie. I’m so tired I think the bags under my eyes have bags. Ugh. People who have kids and work two jobs, I bow before you. A supplicant to your greater abilities. I must have been born with the slacker gene or something. I blame my mother. I don’t know why, except she’s convenient and not here to defend herself. Can’t blame dad, cuz the stepmom occasionally reads this blog and, well, she might tell on me.

What was the point of this random post? None.

I do believe I promised news of my trip to California. One: the interview went fairly well. I can’t say more until I know more, but they should get back to me this week. I’ll let you know. Other than that the family was awesome. They threw an inpromptu family reunion together for me. I was overwhelmed and really happy to see all my crazy peeps.

Good news: My uncle is getting married to a really nice lady and I might even be in the wedding. Why is that good? I only have to wear jeans and cowgirl boots. Note to self: buy cowgirl boots.

Spent quality time watching TV with the Mad Madam M. Always fun and enlightening. I found a new show to like. We’ll see how it goes.