Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Come on people. Don’t be sheep. You can totally wear white after Labor Day! All the cool kids are doing it!

Mad Madam M: Start with the lithe ones, I always say!

Crystal: Ohhhh, pretty. I’ll take one to go, please!

Mad Madam M: I like to imagine that the the sheet is the only thing he’s ‘wearing’.

Crystal: It isn’t the only thing he’s wearing? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

Mad Madam M: Sometimes you just need an intense (read: smoldering) Latin stare to get you into the mood!

Crystal: I don’t even know who this guy is with his face all covered up, but he’s giving me the eye, and I like it.

Mad Madam M: Towels: I don’t always encourage the use of them!

Crystal: Right. I think he’d look great sans the white towel. Not everyone should wear white after Labor Day.

Mad Madam M: Not sure what is going on the his shirt there, but luckily I’m not really concentrating on that. Hello Mr. Mischievous Grin and his sidekick Bulging Bicep!

Crystal: Let’s not forget the pretty pecs. Yum.

Mad Madam M: In my fashion conscious world (insert hysterical laughter here), not even a striped white shirt should be worn. So, take if off Ryan!! Take it off now!!!

Crystal: What she said!

Mad Madam M: Let’s just pretend the shirt is white. ‘kay!

Crystal: It’s not white? I think it’s white. I don’t understand.

Mad Madam M: *stares…unable to turn away* Not sure if I am in love or repulse. *continue to stare*

Crystal: *whispers* I see man nipple.

Mad Madam M: Sometime, you just can’t go wrong with a good ol’ fashion white t-shirt! Although, Charlie, I wouldn’t be heartbroken if you decided to take it off. Slooowwwly!!!

Crystal: I like a man in a white t-shirt. And nothing else. So long as it goes the way of the rest of his clothes, know what I mean?

Mad Madam M: As Carly Simon once pointed out…Nobody Does it Better!!

Crystal: Mmmm-hmmm.

Mad Madam M: I *heart* white wife-beater tank-tops!

Crystal: I love a dirty man.

Mad Madam M: I also *heart* Djmon Hounsou in Calvin Klein boxer-briefs!

Crystal: I just had an orgasm.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Mr. Bale,
How do you keep doing it? How have you kept me on such a short leash for 15 years. I fell for you whole-heartedly after witnessing the glorious Newsies. Then came Swing Kids and Little Women and A Midsummer Night’s Dream and Reign of Fire and well, the list keeps going on. (No that isn’t a typo…I left out American Psycho, Equilibrium, The Machinist, and Batman in order to include an awesomely bad dragon flick!) I’m totally going to see the remake of 3:10 to Yuma and I got giddy - yes giddy - over the stupid teaser trailer for The Dark Knight even though it only had Michael Caine talking over a battered Bat Symbol. Long story short, I’d find you extremely fascinating, even if your step-mother wasn’t Gloria Steinam, which is pretty darn nifty.
Yours Forever (Yes, I really mean that!),
Mad Madam M

Crystal: He does keep you on a short leash. M. But isn’t he worth it? I mean, LOOK at him.

Mad Madam M: Yes…I did in fact watch The Fast and the Furious for the hotties. I mean, what other reason could their possibly be?!?!?!

Crystal: I couldn’t even bring myself to watch it for the hotties. I just couldn’t.

Mad Madam M: See Brad Wet! See Mad Madam M Drool!

Crystal: But wait! There’s more!

Mad Madam M: And you all thought you wouldn’t get your weekly dose of Clive. <Nelson Impression> Ha Ha </Nelson Impression>

Crystal: *sighs*

M and I thought that we’d do the alphabet letter B this week. We thought of Brad Pitt immediately, and then decided to go no further than hot men or characters named Brad or Bradley. So this is to all things Brad, which if you look it up in Ye Olde Baby Name Book, here’s what you get: it is of Old English origin, and its meaning is “broad meadow.”

On with the pretty!

(If you don’t know who this is…I don’t know how I can help you!)

Mad Madam M: *guh* What a way to start the day!

Crystal: Shh. I’m staring at the man-meat.

(Bradley Cooper)

Mad Madam M: So he looks a little mischievous…I luuuuuurve my boys a little bit naughty!

Crystal: Really, M? The things we learn about each other every day. Huh.

(Mark Valley used to play the role of Brad Sherwood on Boston Legal)

Mad Madam M: Remember what I said about bubble baths…he does look kind of gay, but also quite hot. And the ‘hot’ is definitely winning the battle!! Bring on the bubbles!!

Crystal: He’s pretty. I mean, look at those guns. But…what’s up with his hair? Whoever was in charge of hair on that photoshoot should be reminded that the roadkill toupee look is out.

(Zachery Ty Bryan played Brad, the oldest of the Taylor brothers, on Home Improvement)

Mad Madam M: *shhh don’t tell anyone* I sooo had a crush on him in my early teenage years. Jonathan Taylor who? Just kidding! *I’m not kidding about the whole secrecy thing…NOT A WORD*

Crystal: Um. Right. You do realize people read this blog. They may not comment, but they read. Eeeeexcellent place to come out of the closet. Quietly.

(Michael Muhney played a guy name Brad in some 2001 made-for-television movie)

Mad Madam M: I was soooo pissed when they killed off Sheriff Lamb. *oops spoiler alert* I mean, just look at those abs. And did I mention this was taken after he participated in a cancer charity run.

*punches Rob Thomas - the Veronica Mars creator not the Matchbox 20 guy - through the internet and then runs for cover*

Crystal: No. No. Don’t lift the shirt. Take it all the way off!

(Brad Paisley)

Mad Madam M: Goodness…he’s such a cutie!! And did I mention he can play a guitar!

Crystal: I love him. He’s my favorite country singer. And it has NOTHING to do with the fact that he’s pretty. Nothing at all.

(Bradley Whitford…you know the guy from the Aaron Sorkin shows!)

Mad Madam M: While most everyone else chose Sam Seaborn as their TV boyfriend, Josh had my heart in the pilot!

Crystal: It was a tie for me until Sam left. Then it was aaaaaaall Josh.

(Jensen play a guy named Brad in the TV show Sweet Valley High)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Future Pool Boy,
I would just like you to know that I have hardwood floors and you are welcome to lounge on them anytime you like. Just think about it!
All You Have To Do Is Ask And I’m Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Someday, I will buy him for you for your very own pool boy. When I’m rich and famous, he’s all yours.

(Guess who?!?!)

Mad Madam M: Do I really need to remind you of my long love affair with a white wife-beater over ripped abs?

Crystal: *happy sigh*

(Chad Allen played a guy named Brad in a ep of The Wonder Years and in som low rated 2001 horror film)

Mad Madam M: Yes, I watched Dr. Quinn and no I am not ashamed…well not too much.

Crystal: I’m ashamed of it enough for both of us that you watched that show.

(Brad Renfro)

Mad Madam M: I have watched The Client a million times and Tom & Huck far more times than I will ever admit to.

Crystal: Eh. He doesn’t do it for me. Kick the dude off for M and gimme the motorcycle.

(Tim Omundson played a guy named Brad in an interesting 2001 film entitled Hard Pill)

Mad Madam M: Gotta love a man with a badge!

Crystal: I love him in Psych! That show rocks.

(Mr. “Chick from Father of the Bride“)

Mad Madam M: I have no clue why Willie and Merle cautioned mothers to not let their son’s grow up to be cowboys? Just look at this cutie!

Crystal: I love how he paid his wife to be in a music video just so he could ask her out. Such a cute story.

Mad Madam M: *attempts to lick the pretty abs through the monitor*

Crystal: I think I just showed him my “O” face.

This week is dedicated to the bold and the beautiful stars of soap operas…well, the General Hospital stars anyway. Whatever, on with the pretty.

Mad Madam M: Pretty…sweaty…glorious…abs! (Note: Avoid looking directly at the hair. Could possibly cause irreparable harm.) *adjusts gaze back onto abs and melts into a puddle in chair*

Crystal: I bet he got jumped in the shower a lot by other boys. I’m just sayin’

Mad Madam M: Sure he is more ‘cute’ than ‘hot’, but The Jackal will NOT be denied! He is truly the assassin of cyberspace.

Crystal: I thought we already did the HDH on barely legal boys. Stop the madness!

Mad Madam M: And did I mention he has an accent?

Crystal: And very, very pretty…eyes.

Mad Madam M: No clue what is going on in this pic…I’m too distracted by the tribal biceps of hotness!

Crystal: See the sticks, M? He wants to spank you. You know you like it.

Mad Madam M: Remember what I keep saying about leaning. I will keep on saying it until I have convinced the world…or I get bored and find a new quest to enlighten the world.

Crystal: Rock on, twisted sister.

Mad Madam M: I have never cared for skinny tie, but I might have to change my policy…however only after ripping off the shirt myself!

Crystal: Yeah, I’m not loving the look either. He should be more naked…see several pics above for examples of proper dress code.

Mad Madam M: See…he even left a space for me! How utterly thoughtful!

Crystal: Man, I could say some naughty, naughty things here, but I’m trying really hard to keep it PG-13. Damn it.

Mad Madam M: Sure, he’s an evil bastard, but still…what is a soap without one? Nowhere my friends. Nowhere!

Crystal: Sometimes you need a bad, bad man. What can I say?

Mad Madam M: Ok…scruffy stubble may not be the best look. However, do take a moment to check out the awesome abs! It is well worth your gaze!

Crystal: Abs are nice, But…why are his panties sticking out. And why to they look suspiciously like the tighty whitey variety. That is just not right.

Mad Madam M: Hello Ambercrombie! (One must never forget that most soap hotties really only have experience in modeling…not necessarily action. But hey if I want to see good theatre I can watch something produced by the BBC!!)

Crystal: Soaps do have a special gift for pretty people who can’t act.

Mad Madam M:
Dear scruffy Patrick,
You might want to try this look more often. I mean, from this pic alone, I might have to add scruffy to the “…is sexy” list. However, I wouldn’t want to rush anything or put undue pressure on your specialized grooming. Therefore, I must conclude that further analysis is required. As a man of science, I know you will see the wisdom in this approach. I would be willing to donate my time. Just let me know!
Adoringly Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: *giggles*

Mad Madam M: Not sure what he is staring at, but I know what I am fixated on!!

Crystal: He looks either bored or constipated, I can’t decide which.

Mad Madam M: Pretty boys can be sexy. Besides he has pretty good hair for a soap star.

Crystal: *whispers* Man nipple.

Mad Madam M: Suits really do make the man. Although…wouldn’t mind seeing him out of it! *wink, wink*

Crystal: Nice pinstripe. I’m totally staring at the…pinstripe. I swear.

Mad Madam M: Hey, the early 90’s weren’t kind to anyone. The boy is still hot despite that fact!! *blows kisses*

Crystal: Well, that answers the question of whether or not pretty, muscley soap stars practice fake tanning. Hello, orange tinge.

Today’s Hump Day Hotties is brought to you by the letter A and the number 27.

Random things that the Mad Madam M and I associate with the letter A. Will you also associate these things with the letter A? Maybe not. In fact, probably not. But you come here because we’re crazy and you can comfort yourself by pointing and saying, SEE? I’m not as crazy as those two. You’re welcome.

(In the underrated film Reign of Fire - yes I meant to say underrated - Christian Bale’s character is named Quinn ‘A’bercromby.)

Mad Madam M: I watched Batman 4 times in the theatre for the plot. Really…that was my one and only reason!

Crystal: I didn’t catch it in the theatre, but I did watch it about forty times on DVD. For the plot, of course. That was a great plot.

(Love ‘A’ctually, anyone?)

Mad Madam M: No matter what, he will always be Mr. Darcy and I will always love him…regardless of how many douche-bag roles he takes.

Crystal: Remember the wet shirt scene in Pride and Prejudice? Oh, man. That was classic cinema.

(Come on…he was the reason Demi Moore had to wear a scarlet “A” in the 1995 flick. Oh and if that wasn’t enough for you…how about ‘A’zkaban?!!?!)

Mad Madam M: Don’t know how Mr. Oldman is sexy…he just is. Like a fireman or men in kilts!

Crystal: I’ll give you firemen, but men in skirts do nothing for me. Except easy access to you know what. But I’m with you…how Gary Oldman is sexy, I’ll never know. But there it is.

(Ok stay with me here. So Dule Hill was in the movie Holes with Shia LaBeouf, who turned into an ‘A’ngel at the end of Constantine. Oop…spoiler alert!)

Mad Madam M: Dule. Dule. Dule. You are just too cute for words. And you tap dance. And love Broadway. I love that in a guy! (Oh and James…you’re not too shabby either!)

Crystal: I love him in Psych. They are such cute heterosexual life partners. And West Wing! Awww.

(A is for ‘A’ngel!)

Mad Madam M: Kind of gay and kind of hot. Have to admit…the hot is kind of winning. *shhh don’t tell anyone*

Crystal: You know, I never understood the fad for this guy. He’s just okay for me. Not that I’d kick him out of bed or anything. Just doesn’t give me the undeniable urge to use his body as a jungle gym.

(In case you weren’t aware, Cary Grant’s real name was ‘A’rchie Leech.)

Mad Madam M: I don’t care how many times they name someone the new “Cary Grant”. There will never - NEVER EVER - be another Cary Grant and that’s my final word on the subject.

Crystal: Amen. Cary Grant is the classic of all things hot. There will never be another.

(I give you the cutie from ‘A’melie!)

Mad Madam M:
Dear French Dude from Amelie,
How come you don’t exist in the real world? I think we would make an awesomely quirky pair even if I don’t speak French. (However, I can translate written French, so perhaps you could just write down everything. Oh and provide me with a new French dictionary because I have no clue where mine is!) Please figure out a way to become real and then come and woo me in a most romantic fashion.
Your Prospective Amour,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Dude, no fair! I taught you to read French damn it! I should get the cute, romantic Frenchman. And I’m quirky, too! Really.

(Not that I really need to find a reason, but his call name is ‘A’pollo!)

Mad Madam M: *guh* Jamie Bamber…towel…mirror. *brain starts to implode* It doesn’t really get better than that folks! *begins fanning myself*

Crystal: He’s cute, and hot, and all yours because I think you might actually kill me if I came between you and Jamie. It’s good to know how the dynamic of your friendship works, ya know?

(Anyone else make it through Young ‘A’dam?)

Mad Madam M: Got to love a man who has confidence in his body and often wears kilts. To be truthful, the kilt thing is just a cherry on top of the whip cream!! Oohh Ewan…whip cream…cherry. What was I saying?

Crystal: I just threw up in my mouth. Men. Skirts. Shudder.

(Played Cupid, the son of ‘A’phrodite, in Xena.)

Mad Madam M: I love Karl…I just wish he would pick better movies.
Crystal: I love how each of those words is its own link. A man has to have really bad taste in the roles he takes to make that happen. Fortunately, he is very pretty. I’d do him.

(He was one of the original ‘assets’ of Bourne trilogy, but if you want something a bit more concrete, I present King ‘A’rthur!)

Mad Madam M: Clive, how I love thee. Let me count the ways…on your magnificently chiseled body.

Crystal: Jungle gym worthy, for sure.

(Ryan ‘A’twood & ‘A’dam Brody: Together again! See what I did there? I mixed fiction with reality! LOL)

Mad Madam M: Disheveled can be sexy. And hey look - a bagel. *imitates Homer badly* Baageeellll!!! *drools*

Crystal: *giggles madly*

(Paging Dr. ‘A’dam Lockwood. Paging Dr. Lockwood!)

Mad Madam M: Even with only 1 eye…Wentworth is still a fine looking man. A fine looking man that I wouldn’t mind exploring a bit more!

Crystal: Oh, that’s right. He was the doctor dude in Underworld. I love that movie. Lots of pretty. Cool costumes and guns. Sweeeet.

(If you don’t know that this is the ‘A’ckles, I’m not sure what to do with you.)

Mad Madam M: You know me…always saving the best for last. *stares dreamily* Shut it…he is too the best!?!?!?!?

Crystal: Yes, he’s the best. Pretty, pretty.

His name is Jason Bourne. Or is it? And does it really matter when he’s this hot? M and I think not.

Enjoy!

Mad Madam M: Half of the poster makes me run and hide while the other half makes me want to use Matt Damon’s body like a jungle gym! Try and guess which response will win in the end!

Crystal: Dude, I like ‘em a little scary. There’s no question which one will win.

Mad Madam M: Jungle gym…definitely the jungle gym idea.

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: Shh…Matt’s sleeping. Doesn’t he look peaceful?

Crystal: And strangely gay. I’m scrolling up to stare at the sexy-pretty for another minute. Or ten.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Jason,
Congratulations!!! I didn’t think I would ever find a pic that could compare with Jensen on a motorbike, but I think this is definitely a contender! Keep up the good work!
Encouragingly Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Have I told you I like men on motorcycles? I’m just throwing that out there.

Mad Madam M: I love baths!

Crystal: Another reject from the slightly-gay photo shoot.

Mad Madam M: *sexy profile alert*

Crystal: He’s looking at me out of the corner of his eye, I just know it.

Mad Madam M: He’s just so dreamy!?!?!?! *sigh*

Crystal: Weirdo.

Mad Madam M: Like I have always said…reading is sexy!

Crystal: I’m a librarian and a writer, I fully support Jason’s campaign to enrich the reading habits of our youth. As such, we will be locking ourselves in my office for the next week to discuss how to better inspire…the, uh, campaign. Yeah. That’s it.

Mad Madam M: I should be commenting on the gloriousness of another Damon profile, but instead I am completely distracted by the niftiness of the Eiffel Tower in the background. And I don’t even like Paris!?!?!

Crystal: Jason Bourne. Phallic symbol. Niiice.

Mad Madam M: Leaning can also be sexy!

Crystal: Lean this way, Jason!

Mad Madam M: Yes I know there was a similar pose a couple of images ago, but can you blame me. I mean, those are Bamcep worthy!

Crystal: i can’t believe you brought up Battlestar at a time like this. I was having a moment.

Mad Madam M: Sure leather pants are a bit campy. Still…I honestly don’t care!

Crystal: Uh-huh.

Mad Madam M: He’s frakkin’ sexy. He’s Venezuelan. He speaks 5 languages (Spanish, English, French, Italian & German). And he’s definitely carrying on the tradition of hot guys that are sent to terminate Bourne!

Crystal: i have no idea who this guy is, but he’s smokin’

Mad Madam M: Remember what I said about leaning…SEXY!

Crystal: I’m telling you, he’s looking at me!

Mad Madam M: It could just be I have fond memories of the London underground or it could be I have a soft spot for smirks. Either way, I think I’m in love!

Crystal: You’re always in love, you fickle wench. Besides. He’s looking at meeeeee.

This Hump Day Hotties is a shout out to my baby cousin (henceforth known as Calamity Jane) who just turned 18 on Tuesday. (Mad Madam M here…I just needed to interject something: Happy 18th Birthday Calamity Jane!!!! I can’t believe you are now legally an adult!! Man, I feel old!! Okay, I’m done…back to Crys!) In honor of her, we’re doing a barely legal edition of HDH. And I have to say that M and I felt really dirty and creepy looking at these pics.

How did we come up with this brilliant idea? Well, it went something like this:

Me: You know Calamity Jane reads my blog sometimes.
M: What? She’s way too young to read the stuff we write about. Especially the stuff you write on your blog when I’m not here to supervise you.
Me: Whatever. She’ll be 18 this week.
M: Well, that is just freaky and wrong and I refuse to think about it. I mean, I knew her when she was…well, I don’t know how old but she was short and skinny.
Me: Yeah, and now she’s got a rack that boys stare at. She was 11 when you met her, by the way.
M: Like I said, freeeeaaaaaaaky!
Me: We should celebrate by doing a hump day hotties post in her honor.
M: Who would we put on it?
Me: I don’t know…guys her age. She’s not allowed to look at the over 21 crowd. They’re a bad influence.
M: Which guys are her age?
*long pause*
Me: Um…
M: Yeah…
Me: The Harry Potter Boys?
M: Oh and my inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray?
*extremely long pause*
Me: There has to be more than that.
M: Does there?
Me: Shit if I know.
M: We’re screwed.
Me: But not by them, they’re in kindergarten still.
M: Thank you so much for that mental image while you force me to go look for overage pictures of these guys. Sometimes I really do hate you.
Me: You’re welcome!

Mad Madam M: Up first…my inappropriate crush wearing a wife beater. As you might already know, I have a soft spot for boys in wife beaters…

Crystal: Well, he has pretty eyes. And I think I might see a boogie in his nose. What? He has it all pointed up and everything!

Mad Madam M: In this picture, Shia looks remarkably like my 19 year old cousin. Excuse me while I attempt to bleach my eyes balls so I can continue with limited traumatic memories that will lead to psychiatric harm. *whimpers*

Crystal: Wasn’t he in The Greatest Game Ever Played? I loved that movie! It was so cute!

Mad Madam M: Never saw Narnia since I didn’t want to ruin the memories of my mom reading the books to me as a child, but I would be willing to watch Will in another film. He’s kind of a cutie! (Oh god I feel old and dirty…must not drink before noon…must not drink before noon!)

Crystal: He was super cute in the movie! Young, but, you know, cute. *sings* I feel icky, oh so icky

Mad Madam M: Ah quite the dashing Englishman. Too bad the film version of Eragon turned out so badly. We might not be seeing Edmund Speleers for awhile and that is a shame. Just look at him!

Crystal: Wow, I thought it was just the older ones, but apparently Englishmen in all age ranges look a little gay.

Mad Madam M: Cute and he has a great name in Sky High: Warren Peace! I mean, with those looks, Steven Strait may have steered a whole new generation toward Tolstoy’s classic tale of Russian society during the Napoleonic era. Ok…maybe not, but you never know!

Crystal: Oh, look. It’s my inappropriate teenage crush. It’s not my fault. He’s in a band and he had superpowers!

Mad Madam M: Little Harry’s all grow’d up. *wink wink* (Did I just say that? Man I am I going to need some expensive therapy after this HDH. Damn you, Crys!)

Crystal: It’s Calamity Jane’s fault. Damn her for coming of age.

Mad Madam M: I think he may have some of the dreamiest lips I have ever seen,with the notable exception of Jemaine Clement of Flight of the Conchords who is thankfully 7 years older than me!

Crystal: Okay I feel old even asking, but who is this guy?

Mad Madam M: If this wasn’t enough and you want to be further horrified, feel free to click this link. WARNING…it’s not safe for work! And don’t say I didn’t warn you! Meanwhile, I know my boss has whiskey in his office. *goes looking for hard liquor in order to continue commenting*

Crystal: Man, I feel old and dirty for even looking at any of these nekked pics of Harry Freakin’ Potter. Not right. Just…not right. Damn you, Calamity Jane! You’re lucky I love you.

Mad Madam M: This boy is going places. I couldn’t take my eyes off him whenever he appeared on screen in Hairspray. Man can the boy dance and sing!

Crystal: He really did a great job in that movie! I’d like to see what he does with regular (non musical) acting.

Mad Madam M: Narnia meets Harry and I am left with a nauseating feeling. Don’t get me wrong, it is a cute picture, they just look so young. Remind me again why we are doing this post!?!?! *downs another shot of Jameson* Oh right…here’s to you Calamity Jane! *waves enthusiastically at the computer screen*

Crystal: What are they doing in this pic? Just standing there? And is Ron wearing glasses?

Mad Madam M:
Dear Daniel Radcliffe,
I know you are now of age, but could you please continue to wear a shirt and not show off your chiseled abs/muscley biceps so much? Normally people exclaim “think of the children” in order to raise awareness of some inappropriate song/film/picture/ect and thus leading to a solution that allows for the continued innocence of our youth. However, in your case, I must submit “think of the women who will end up feeling dirty/lecherous/old after seeing your muscles in this picture and remembering how only a couple of years ago, you were a precocious little wizard with cute pudgy little cheeks”. (Special sarcastic “Thanks a LOT” to the new HP movie that includes flashbacks to the first movie for taking some joy out of the viewing.) Please, I implore you, just give us a couple of years to get used to the fact that you are all grown up. At the moment, between my car, students loans, and ever-growing multimedia collections, I just can’t afford therapy bills.
Appreciatively Yours,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: I love shoes and I will leave it at that!

Crystal: Hey! He can juggle. Look at that. *feels old and dirty for even viewing this pic*

Mad Madam M: See previous comment concerning boys in wife beaters!

Crystal: That is a very nice wife beater. And a very nice smile. I have no further comments on this matter.

Mad Madam M: My love for Ron has only grown over the years and I think a little bit of that is because of Rupert. The boy makes me laugh every time!

Crystal: I like red heads. It’s just a good color.

Mad Madam M: You definitely are the “Ladies Choice”! (Oh man…where did I put that whiskey? Must dull my awareness and save my mind from further damage!)

Crystal: More of M’s inappropriate teenage crush from Hairspray.

Mad Madam M: Thank goodness…with the longer hair he no longer looks like my cousin. Unfortunately, now I find him attractive. I may have to see that Transformer’s flick DolphinSue keeps telling me to go and see!

Crystal: I assume DolphinSue is some friend you’re cheating on me with. Hussy.

Mad Madam M: Not only can the boy sing and dance, but he has the greatest hair! Oh and please don’t point out the fact that 2 boys up from High School Musical have appeared in this post. I have spent years blocking out the truth…the fact that I love that silly Disney film. So please think of my mental health and remember I am holding onto a thread here! *tries to regain self-respect but failing to do so…finishes off the bottle of Jameson whiskey*

Crystal: Thank God it’s over. Happy birthday, Calamity Jane!

This week is dedicated to all the hot TV hosts out there who make the viewing experience of the public a happy place to be. I say to all of you: Yum.

On with the show!

Mad Madam M: Oh Ty…you always make me laugh with your Crocodile Dundee cut-off shirts! Perhaps you need the extreme makeover!?!?!? On second thought, I would hate for you to have to hide those biceps. Carry on…

Crystal: Exaaaactly. Those arms should never be hidden. In fact, I’m all for him burning all his shirts and going without.

Mad Madam M: So Mike Rowe has abs…you can’t see them in this pic, but believe me…they’re there! I’ve seen every Dirty Job ever produced!

Crystal: I love a man who’s not afraid to be diiiirty. ;)

Mad Madam M: I watch Mythbusters for the science. I watch Mythbusters for the science. I watch Mythbusters for the science!!!

Crystal: Uh-huh. I believe that one. I gotta say the sword really does it for me. Very, you know, scientific.

Mad Madam M: I watch Mythbusters for the science…really I do!!!

Crystal: Awwww. They’re so cute together.

Mad Madam M: You can almost see the abs in this one, but to be honest, I’m kind of attracted to the smirk! *facepalm* How can I be attracted to a smirk!?!?!?

Crystal: Because smirks say confidence. And confidence is hawt. Though, I have to say, the smirk ain’t doing it for me. He looks a little bit constipated.

Mad Madam M: What can I say, this man has made watching HGTV with my mom a whooole lot more enjoyable!

Crystal: Why do you think I always liked that channel? Non-stop hot handyman action.

Mad Madam M: British gardener…do I really need to say anything more? Matt James had me at ‘British’!

Crystal: You are such an Anglo-phile. Though he does have that quasi-gay, campy kind of cute that only Brits seem to be able to pull off.

Mad Madam M: So Bear Grylls is certifiably insane, but the boy is just beyond hot. And just think…he has the survival skills to insure that should some catastrophic event occur, we alone could repopulate the earth!

Crystal: I’m going to go bleech that image from my brain. *runs away screaming*

Mad Madam M: Did I mention he usually takes his shirt off once a show? Oh and he has the most adorable Union Jack boxers? Did I mention he was a Brit? I think I am in love!!

Crystal: I’m always in favor of built men taking off their shirts. Unfortunately, I always seem to get the portly over-60 crowd wanting to strip down in front of me. It’s just not fair.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Bear,
Please send me the coordinates of the island you are lounging on. I’m sure I can be there in less than 12 hours and I know how to hand wash clothing. Don;t worry about the fact it is the only set of clothes you currently have. I don’t mind one bit!
In frank admiration,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: So you’ll steal all his clothes to wash them? Clever, M. Veeery clever.

Today is the tribute to all things Australian and New Zealand.

Mad Madam M: Oh Jesse…while you look a bit camp in that tank top I really don’t mind. I’ve loved you in things a whole lot campier…like that Swiss Family Robinson miniseries Stranded! Good times, my friends. Good times!

Crystal: Isn’t he on House? I have no idea. He’s pretty. That’s all I need to know.

Mad Madam M: It is medically impossible for Dominic Purcell to button a shirt…if only Wentworth suffered from the same condition, every woman in America would be watching Prison Break.

Crystal: They are the second prettiest brothers on television…right after the brothers on Supernatural. It’s a religious experience.

Mad Madam M: *giggling* Sorry, I can’t help but laugh at the fact that Wenty is sitting on his coat jacket. But see what I mean about the shirt…I don’t think buttons can handle close proximity to Linc’s chest!

Crystal: It’s his super power. To make buttons fly off his shirt. Everyone needs a super power.

Mad Madam M: While many people know Julian from Nip/Tuck, he was the only redeeming part of Fantastic Four. I just kept my eyes fixed on him and thought of England!

Crystal: He was in The Profiler. I loved that show.

Mad Madam M: Sure he has all sorts of problems, but the boy knows how to play a guitar, sing, and adds fake hand claps to song. To be honest, that is all I really need to know!

Crystal: He’s one of my fave country singers. It’s just that much nicer that he’s pretty, isn’t it?

Mad Madam M: *attempts to blink but unable to do so* Oh the pretty!! *gives up and goes to look for eye drops in order to continue staring*

Crystal: Nice arms. And pecs. And…just fill in the blank with a body part and I’m there.

Mad Madam M: I’m guessing I will be all alone on this one, but for me, he was the only redeemable aspect of Coyote Ugly. *ducks to avoid incoming projectiles*

Crystal: I liked the soundtrack to that movie. The rest of it was…kind of dull. He did add a certain festivity to the movie though.

Mad Madam M: Oh how I love twofers…and boy is this one worth it. You get both Russel and Guy and in beautiful black and white!! (P.S. If you have never seen L.A. Confidential go and watch it at once. I can easily entertain myself with the pretty until you return!!)

Crystal: I’ll add it to the list of movies you think I should watch and I never will unless you sit me in front of a tv and force me to take time out of my life.

Mad Madam M: Oh Daisy…you are quite pretty on the eyes. Especially in 300 even if you did only have 1 eye by the end of the flick. Your awesomely ripped abs more than made up for the loss.

Crystal: It still cracks me up that Daisy is his nick name.

Mad Madam M: While not the best lean in the world, I would still give it an 8 out of 10. That’s a solid B and nothing to be ashamed of.

Crystal: Leaning is good. I like leaning. Now, if he put me between him and the wall and leaned that way, I’d be happy.

Mad Madam M: Even without the wig from LOTR or the leather coat from Bourne I would still willing lick every inch of your body. Call me!

Crystal: Amen.

Mad Madam M: He really did Rock Me!

Crystal: He’s very pretty…he just never seems to get the hair right. I can never figure that out. Doesn’t he have stylists for that?

Mad Madam M: *in a fake announcer voice* Let me present Flight of the Conchords! If you have never watched them or heard one of their songs go to YouTube right now and watch some of their videos. I can wait! *pulls out iPod in order to listen to music while I waiting*

Crystal: They’re funny. Really funny.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Hugh,

Can I call you Hugh or should I have used Mr. Jackman instead? Oh too late now, what’s done is done . I just wanted to write to let you know that I think you should try not to be so attractive and talented all the time. You are making other hot leading men look bad with all your action/singing/dancing skills…especially the other people in the X-Men flicks (with the exception of Patrick Stewart and Ian McKellen of course.) Anyhoo, you also seem like a really nice guy which doesn’t help. Nice guys never finish first unless you are Tom Hanks or Ron Howard. Perhaps you should meet up with Russell Crowe and see if you can work on your angry, douche-bag skills.

Love Alway,
Mad Madam M

P.S. On second thought…don’t change a thing! Like Mr. Rodgers would have said: I like you just the way you are!

Crystal: I’d do him against the wall. Him and the leaning tower of Daisy.

Seven random things that Mad Madam M finds patriotic. Be prepared…she has a warped mind!

7. Firemen in Parades

Mad Madam M: Kind of makes me want to start a fire right this minute!

Crystal: Burn, baby, burn.

6. Will Ferrell

Mad Madam M: For me, funny equals hot and Will always brightens my day!

Crystal: You’re on your own on this one. He’s all hairy chested and shit…and I like it smooth, ya know? A girl’s gotta have some standards.

5. Olympics

Mad Madam M: While I am not a big fan of the Olympics like Crys, every once in a while I do get caught up in the patriotic nature of it all. I mean I saw Miracle in the theatre 3 times!

Crystal: Love Olympics, love atheletes. Just doing my patriotic duty here. Go USA!

4. Football

Mad Madam M: Hot and sweaty…just the way I like ‘em! *lol* Oh Ryan Gosling how I love you even if I can only see the top of your head!

Crystal: Remember the Titans was a great flick. Makes me all warm and fuzzy inside. Those come from behind sporting movies are so much better with pretty men in them.

3. Country music with some reference to a dog!

Mad Madam M: Country music isn’t just the music of pain…it is also the music of smoking hot singing cowboys that melt my heart after only a few strums on a guitar.

Crystal: Country music is hot, yes. Dogs? I’m just not sure what you’re trying to say here.

2. Men in Uniform

Mad Madam M: I really love James Franco, so the uniform is just the icing on the cake!

Crystal: Uniforms make any man hotter. I’m just sayin’.

1. Over-the-top Action Flicks & Touching/Cliché Sports Films

Mad Madam M: Oh how I love Mel in Leathal Weapon 2, Will in Bad Boys and Bruce…don’t ever forget John McClane! (Did I mention I went to Live Free or Die Hard last weekend?!?!) Over-the-top movies are an American institution.

Crystal: Word.

This week is dedicated to the lovely men that hail from a little island called Britain. Enjoy, ladies and gents (well, there has to be at least one guy that stumbles over here now and again, right?)

Mad Madam M: Not sure why he is still sporting the suit jacket (or why he seems so proud of his boxers), but my thought is he is saving that honor for me cuz I love to unwrap my presents!!!!

Crystal: He’s either feeling really patriotic today or he’s going LOOK AT MY PACKAGE. Look at it, you know you want to!

Mad Madam M: *Pleasantly stuck in a daydream. Please amuse yourself with some witty observation of your own!*

Crystal: He’s staring at me…just at me, I know it. What’s not to like about this pic? Hot guy, pretty eyes, nice suit. Yum.

Mad Madam M: Not sure why he is putting on clothes instead of taking them off, but at least this way I get to take the clothes off myself. More presents for me. YAY!!!

Crystal: Man, he’s hot. I would so hump his leg at a party.

Mad Madam M: And he can act, too!!!

Crystal: Thank you, Jesus.

Mad Madam M: *sings terribly off-key* And I - eee - I - eee - I will always love you!!!

Crystal: The only way this could be better is if we had a pic of him all wet and stuff from Pride and Prejudice.

Mad Madam M: Just think…if he is this hot after stumbling out of bed and enjoying his first cup of coffee, just think how sexy he will be at lunch, dinner, or my favorite…dessert!

Crystal: What are you talking about? He IS dessert.

Mad Madam M: He may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but in my humble opinion…talking can be over-rated!

Crystal: They’re all the same intelligence when you tie them up, gag them, and do pervy things to them. And he is so worth the effort.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Inventor of the Full Length Mirror,
I would just like to take a moment to sincerely thank you for your marvelous contribution to humanity. The mirror is a wondrous object that make it possible to view a nearly naked Jamie Bamber from two different angles at the same time. I’m not sure how you have been overlooked for a Noble Peace Prize, but if you need a petition signed, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Appreciatively Yours,
Mad Madam M

P.S. Do you by chance know how I could get a hold of the inventor of the bath towel? I have a few choice words I would like to share with him!

Crystal: What she said.

Mad Madam M: Now I don’t want to encourage the wearing of tight little swim trunks, but DAMN that boy sure knows how to work ‘em!

Crystal: Look at those pecs. Just look at them. Look again. Go on, look. That’s the definition of “lickable”.

Mad Madam M: Sure, he may be fully clothed and sitting on a bed at the moment, but in my head is wearing that goofy coat from A Knights Tale and nothing else! *grins*

Crystal: Man, he’s cute. Like, really, really cute. I’d use his body for a jungle gym.

Mad Madam M: Although you may ask, I will never reveal how many times I have watched the scene in which Mr. Darcy expresses his love for Lizzy. I don’t care how many times you ask…I have to save what little dignity I have left!

Crystal: I love that scene. That’s the best I love you scene ever. And if any man ever did that to me, I swear I’d marry him. Even if I didn’t love him. Of course, he has to look like that and say it like that, too.

Mad Madam M: Could I please be a fly on this wall? Pretty please!?!? I promise to be a verrrryyyy good girl!!!

Crystal: Honey, give it up. You’re never a very good girl. I’ve known you too long for you to fake it anymore.

Mad Madam M: In case you are wondering, Ewan is just preventing somebody from taking my spot! He can be such a gentleman you know!

Crystal: No, Jude is preventing someone from taking MY spot. get your own bed.