Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Apparently, walking out of the library with Persnickety Hooch was bad luck this week. We were walking out to our cars again after work yesterday when I fell down cement stairs and landed on cement. It was rainy/icy out and I hit the step wrong and slipped. I’m okay, but my legs are pretty bruised and messed up, so I’m going to try to get some rest.

So… I might be scarce for the next few days and if you email, IM, PM, or try to contact me in any way up to and including sky writing and carrier pigeons, I might not get back to you right away.

Have a good weekend and wish me a speedy recovery because I have to be on my feet teaching all week next week. Ack!

Dear Sir or Madam Asshat,

I would like to point out that it was 19 degrees outside this morning when you decided it was a good time to empty an entire university library into the great outdoors.

I’ll let you pause for a moment and consider the ramifications of such a mistake.

Not getting it? Well, then. By all means, let me explain. There were at least 100 students, faculty and staff members–not to mention the beleaguered librarians–who had to stand huddling out in the frigid weather. Might I remind you that we had a snow storm yesterday and there was a lot of slush and ice on the ground for all of those people to slip and fall on. Which several of them did. You, dear sir or madam, are a lawsuit waiting to happen.

And might I also state that it was me, the lowly librarian, who had to deal with the whining, bitching, moaning, and general pissed off-ed-ness of our lovely patrons this morning. Sadly, I was unable to have your back in that little schufuffle because I wholeheartedly agreed with them that you deserved to be kicked around in aforementioned slushy snow and ice…naked.

There is, in fact, a special place in Hell for people just like you. I’m sure the Devil himself will take care of you in term of your whips, chains, and anal probing with a vibrating, spiked butt-plug. You and I both know this morning’s incident is simply your cry for help in getting these needs met. Fate will take care of you in that regard, I have no doubt.

Until such time as that fickle wench Fate decides you need to shuffle off your mortal coil and meet Old Scratch, you can stop by my office and I’d be happy to beat some sense into you. I know you’ll enjoy it as much as I will.

Respectfully Yours,
Crystal

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! I have to teach tomorrow and Monday and Tuesday. I have to finish revising a manuscript. I have DEADLINES for another manuscript.

Oh. Holy. Jesus. I feel like crap.

So, I have to fly next Wednesday. I’m headed for Amarillo, Texas to visit mom’s side of the family tree. Don’t get me started on how scary Texas is for the single, non-church goer. They either want to save me from my single-status (thus hooking me up with many, many babies *terrorfied*)…or they waned to save me from my wicked ways. Let’s not talk about the look on my auntie’s face when I told her I write erotic fiction. *terrorfied*

In other travel/ university librarian news, I’ll be flying out to San Francisco in March to do a scholarly presentation at a national conference. In a weird collision of my two worlds, I’ll be presenting on a study I’m doing on erotica and erotic romance. Freaky, no? Now to keep my pen name a super top secret from my library world folks. They know I write, but not what I write. Considering the aforementioned *terrorfied* look on my aunt-who-loves-me-long-time’s face, I think it’s best to keep that wee skeleton tucked securely in the closet, don’t you?

That’s the wonderful world of Crystal update. Carry on!

Go check out Smart Bitches, Trashy Books today for their titillating entry on people who think the library should tackle teens for looking at erotica.

And my two cents on this one is–I collect romance for the library here, and lemme tell ya, I do not just grab the Noras. There’s some spicy stuff in there too. Frankly, as a librarian, I don’t believe in censorship and I think people are smart enough to decide what they want to read without me telling them they aren’t allowed. Parents should decide how to deal with what their kids read, not librarians.

That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

Okay, I realized I haven’t done an update post lately about what’s going on with me. Isn’t it amazing how many weeks I can talk and never actually say anything of importance? There’s probably a lesson in that for me, but I’m choosing to ignore it.

Writing: I’m working on the next book for Kensington. I have no details to give at this point other than it’s naughty. Very, very naughty. There may even be a threesome. Maybe. I can’t say for sure. ;)

Librarianista: From now until Thanksgiving, I am booked solid. Tons of students coming in for research consultations. Classes to teach. Lessons to prep for next semester. I’m really, really, really looking forward to turkey day because it means I get a week of vacation. Yay!

Life: I ran into the Peruvian the other day. We haven’t seen each other for weeks…and I think that streak is going to continue. (Picture me singing “Another One Bites The Dust”) Also, I’m going home for Thanksgiving, which is awesome. The craptastic part is that a former flame wants me to have dinner with him…and his new girlfriend who doesn’t know we had a thing at one point. Yeah. That’s gonna go great. Originally he wanted me to bring the Peruvian. Oh, the agony and angst. Mad Madam M may be coming along so we can have a magical double date of pain. Or we’ll find some new and exotic flesh eating disease for me to contract so I just can’t make it. Can you tell I don’t want to go? Yeah, I thought I was pretty subtle.

Why? Because she’s insane. And not in the way that erotic romance writers are insane. We had a chat the other day while driving to a Catholic store (don’t ask) about the strange phenomenon of people offering me ideas–obviously not understanding that I’m an idea whore–and saying they want 50% of the profit for me writing their awesome, amazing idea. Yeah, because the idea is the hard part. FYI: If you ever meet me, please do not do this. I have ideas of my own, and if yours is so awesome it must be written, then sit down at the computer and start typing.

Anyway, back to the insanity that is Persnickety Hooch.

Me: I hate when people offer me their lame ideas.

PH: Really? Because I have this awesome idea you should totally write.

Me: Fuck off and die, please. Thank you so much.

PH: But it’s really awesome. You’ll love it. You don’t even have to split the profit with me, you can just have it. You’d have to put me in the acknowledgment section so that people would know it was my awesome idea in the first place, of course.

Me: No.

PH: See, but you write shape-shifters! This is a shape-shifter I guarantee no one has written before.

Me: If you say a hippo or a giraffe, then I’m pulling over and your ass can walk home.

PH: No, no! It’s better than that!

Me: Oh, Jesus. I don’t want to know.

PH: Worms!

Me: Wyrms? Like another word for dragons? Because I’ve already done dragon-shifters–as have about 800 other writers.

PH: No, worm worms. It would be amazing. They can asexually reproduce.

Me: *long, stunned pause* Um, you realize erotic romance is about sex and romance, right? Not just about reproduction? So, would asexual reproduction be like masturbation? Auto-erotic reproduction–sorta like auto-erotic asphyxiation, only weirder?

PH: Exactly! It would be so hot! I mean there’s writhing and explicit acts of reproduction going on. Plus, shape-shifters! You know how those sell!

Me: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

PH: I don’t think you’re seeing the potential here.

Me: I think you’re so right about that.

PH: Think about it! Auto-erotic asexual reproduction.

Me: And how is that sexy? The worms would just do tandem auto-erotic asexual reproduction?

PH: Now you’re getting it. I think you should write this. I think it would sell and you’d get rich and famous off of my idea.

Me: Get out of my car.

Allow me to take a moment to whine. If you’re not interested in reading a self-pitying whine-fest, feel free to navigate away now. I won’t be offended, honest.

So, I changed my hair color on Wednesday. I went to an ash brown, and then in a month or two when it fades, my stylist will start putting in the ash blonde–which, for those of you who’ve never seen it–is pretty much my natural color. I freaked out a bit when I realized that the only close friend I have who’s ever seen my natural shade is Mad Madam M, and that’s because we’ve been friends for a decade or so.

Right. There’s the background. On to the whine. Since I went for new color, my stylist used a new brand of dye on me. A brand I’m apparently allergic to. My scalp, ears, and neck are all red and itchy. I look awful. :( The problem is we’re interviewing new librarians at work and I’m on the search committee. There’s no taking time off to dope myself up and wait for the reaction to go away. Nope, I get to be at work, interviewing potential new colleagues, and teaching my students this way. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah. :(

For the record, I don’t even have any Benadryl in my house. Why? Because outside of this hair dye the only other thing I’ve ever been allergic in my whole life is bee stings. Thankfully, the campus bookstore stocks the little travel packets of it. So I took some of it, not knowing I’d be particularly exhausted and loopy for the rest of the interview/teaching of the day.

When will it end? When! It still itches two days later!! Just. Kill. Me.

I’m back from my conference and had a blast. Robin D. Owens was kind enough to usher me around a bit of the city on Saturday, so I did manage to escape the librarianista networking long enough to have some fun.

Anyhoo, a fuller report will come tomorrow. For today, I’m over at The Novelty Girls.

So, I’ll be at a library conference in Denver this weekend, and I’m giving a wee presentation on how libraries are affected by social networking. If you don’t know what that is, it’s online things that help create a social network of friends…like MySpace, Blogs, and Facebook.

Not that I think you’re fascinated, but I’m a library nerd and it gets my juices flowing. Anyway, I’ll be gone…miss you already! *sniff*

Behave yourselves. So long, farewell!