Crystal Jordan :: Blog

Well, M is crazy busy and I’m home sicker than a dog, so you’re getting a hodge podge of left over pictures from other HDHs that didn’t make it on those days but her pretty enough to keep.

And now more images from the cutting room floor…

Mad Madam M: I know I keep saying this, but I really do need to find this beach! It is not longer just a want…I need this location for survival and that’s that!

Crystal: There does seem to be a magical beach with pretty people somewhere. We should try and get a visitor’s day pass.

Mad Madam M: She really is quite fetching in that reclining pose!

Crystal: And that’s a really cute dress.

Mad Madam M: I just love that Zac Efron played the kid version of him on Firefly! Too funny!!

Crystal: Man, don’t ruin my Firefly hotties by talking about your inappropriate teenage crush.

Mad Madam M: What do you mean I have to wait 5 months for more Battlestar?!?! I’m not sure if I can last that long?!?!

Crystal: Hellllllo, Jamie Bamber. That is a very nice lean you’re working on right there. Men who lean well are sexy. I’m just sayin’

Mad Madam M: Ohhhh look… *points* Yummy man in suit *sighs happily*

Crystal: See? It is like we have a day pass at the zoo. And now for the hottie businessman exhibit!

Mad Madam M:
Dear Ewan,
Not sure about the eyeliner, but I looooooooooove the kilt!!!! Just thought you might appreciate the feedback!
Admiringly Yours (even with the hideous eye makeup),
Mad Madam M

Crystal: When I see I guy with his back to me, giving me the come hither look, and making his bum all easy access in a skirt…I’m thinking strap-on. Bend over and thank me later, Ewan.

Mad Madam M: Is it July 18th yet!?!?!

Crystal: I so can’t wait for the next Batman movie. He’s all dark and torment and hot. I love it.

Mad Madam M: Sometimes you really do have to sit back and enjoy the outdoors. Or at least sit in front of your computer in a comfy office chair and enjoy a hunk enjoying the outdoors.

Crystal: Amen, sister.

Mad Madam M: Sometimes I wish I could go back in time and attend high school in a tellie program. They seem to have a lot more fun than I ever did! (Although come to think of it, I am probably the perfect age now, which means I just need to figure out how to get into a tellie high school…well after the writers strike!)

Crystal: High school. *horrified shudder* Don’t even think shit like that. Never going back. Never! *horrified shudder*

Mad Madam M: Sometimes you really do have to fall for the villian. I mean at least he was a smart evil dude! (Yes I watched Live Free or Die Hard over Thanksgiving weekend. Why do you ask? Don’t people automatically know this?!?!)

Crystal: I watched it, too. I love him. He’s evil and somehow that translates to flaming hot for him. I can live with that.

Mad Madam M: If only he could do something with his hair!

Crystal: It’s called a weed-eater, man. Look into it.

Mad Madam M: Man do I miss The O.C.!

Crystal: For real! I want Ryan and Seth back!

Mad Madam M: I clearly have O.C. on the mind. If only I could find a sugar daddy to buy me the complete series on DVD. Although, what would it say about me if I only want a sugar daddy that can pony up $120? Ah…best not to think about that!

Crystal: Well, that’s just his opening salvo of sugar daddy-ness. He’d need to be good for more. We can’t have you end up with a bad sugar daddy…how will you support me in my old age?

Mad Madam M: I know, I know…variety is supposed to be the spice of life, but loyalty should count for something in this world. And he really is too pretty for words…

Crystal: *contented sigh* I never get tired of staring at him. Never.

We won’t be having Hump Day Hotties this week because Mad Madam M is out of town for her grandmother’s funeral, and it’s just not right to do it without her.

Please share a moment of silence with me for M’s loss. Keep her family in your thoughts.

Thank you.

Today’s Hump Day Hotties is brought to you by the letter B and the number 14. Random things that the Mad Madam M and I associate with the letter B.

(’B'en Foster)

Mad Madam M: The film sucked. I’m sorry it really did. However, Ben Foster was one hot Angel mutant dude.

Crystal: Man titty! I love it when we start with that.

(Christian ‘B’ale who is the awesome ‘B’atman)

Mad Madam M: Is it July 18th yet? Is it now?!?!?! What about now?!?!?!

Crystal: The previews for the next Batman movie are just a tease. It’s so not right.

(Tom ‘B’rady)

Mad Madam M: While I like Peyton Manning better - he’s one funny dude - Tom Brady is kind of hunky. Even while carrying a farm animal. That’s some pretty resilient hunkiness there!!

Crystal: yes, because we all know how you feel about barnyard animals. Especially when they’re shape-shifters.

(Adam ‘B’rody)

Mad Madam M: Ah Seth…where have you gone?

Crystal: I don’t know, but he really needs to come back.

(’B'enjamin ‘B’ratt - a twofer!!)

Mad Madam M: I love muscles…pretty, pretty muscles!!!

Crystal: I think we should see more of them. Take the shirt off. Just do it. You’ll thank me later.

(Jamie ‘B’amber)

Mad Madam M: Like you thought I would avoid a chance to oggle Bamceps. Silly readers…

Crystal: Ooooh, he even looks a little greasy and dirty. I like that.

(Gerard ‘B’utler)

Mad Madam M: *wipes drool from monitor*

Crystal: He is ten shades of pretty, isn’t he?

(David ‘B’eckham)

Mad Madam M: I think I may have used this pic before, but can you blame me for putting it up again. I mean it is Beckham wearing wife-beaters.

Crystal: And we know how much you lurrrrrv the wife-beaters. The shirt…um…not the real thing. Of course. Moving on!

(Adam ‘B’aldwin)

Mad Madam M: Your welcome, Crys!

Crystal: Yeah, baby! One of my Firefly guys!

(David ‘B’oreanaz who currently stars in ‘B’ones)

Mad Madam M: Man do I love a good lean!

Crystal: That is a very lucky door.

(Daniel Craig aka Mr. ‘B’ond)

Mad Madam M: Well hello Mr. Bond…

Crystal: Shake me, stir me, take me hard. I’m game.

(’B'rendan Fraser)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Brendan,
Why are you doing this to me?!?!? I’m trying so hard to keep it together. I keep telling people I am handling the television writers strike well and then you go and have your hunky self fondle a tellie set. How am I expected to keep a brave face when you make me think about it in such seductive terms? I mean, please help a girl out because we all know I need as much help as I can get!
Affectionately Yours (given that you stop taking pictures with tellies),
Mad Madam M

Crystal: There, there. The writer’s strike won’t go on forever, M. The shows will come back.

(’B'rad Pitt)

Mad Madam M: *guh*

Crystal: There are no words. Brad Pitt, few clothes, and caffeine. Mmmmmmmm.

(’B'o’b'b’y Cannavale - a trifler! )

Mad Madam M: I never knew he looked so much like Clive and we all know that ain’t a bad thing!

Crystal: Exactly! We get Clive with the letter C, though. And that’s next in the alphabet. Hooray!

The Pirate Next Door
Jennifer Ashley
Leisure Books, 2003
352 pages
Total Time to Read: An evening

Completely Subjective Grade: B+

A short and useless review of the tome after I locate my pirate eye patch…

Read the rest of this entry �

Mad Madam M is going to start up her semi-regular (i.e. whenever she feels like it) Saturday Mad Lib book reviews. We’ve come up with some truly qualitative questions to reveal the true nature of the book and how much we think you’ll enjoy it.

I know you’re all breathless with anticipation. Have fun!

In honor of Halloween…

Mad Madam M: Ok…since I don’t actually watch horror flicks, I thought I would start out with some cheesy fun!!

Crystal: Dude! This is was probably one of the only horror movies I’d watch again. I’m such a chicken. But this one? “Shop smart. Shop S-Mart!” Bwah ha ha!

(Timothy Olyphant starred in Scream 2 & Dreamcatcher)

Mad Madam M: Tim, my boy. You can be the good guy or the bad guy. I’ll support you no matter what you choose!

Crystal: He’s a bad, bad man. Yum.

(Johnny Depp starred in Nightmare on Elm Street & Sleepy Hollow cuz that film gave me nightmares)

Mad Madam M: So it kinda looks like Johnny is standing in front of one of those posters that if you stare at it long enough, it will reveal a 3-d pic, so my thought is…what if he is the 3-d pic in the poster?!?!?!?

Crystal: I want one to mount over my bed.

(Ryan Reynolds in The Amityville Horror remake)

Mad Madam M:
Dear Ryan,
I just wanted to thank you for having such nice abs. I recently joined a gym for senior citizens in order to swim every morning with people who don’t swim, just walk up and down the lane. Although it makes me feel good to be the only one swimming in the pool, old men don’t always age gracefully.
Forever Grateful,
Mad Madam M

Crystal: What was that? Sorry, I was staring at the shiny, rippling abs and pecs. Mmmm…

(Dylan McDermott in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Is that a wife-beater peaking out from beneath the plum colored shirt? I think it is! *throws hands up in excitement*

Crystal: *sounds alarm* Wife-beater alert! Wife-beater alert! Get an ambulance asap before M hyperventilates and faints! She may need oxygen!

(Simon Pegg & Nick Frost from Shaun of the Dead)

Mad Madam M: Kill the Queen!!

Crystal: Another horror spoof! I love this movie. It’s entirely made of awesome!

(Josh Hartnett is in that new vampires in Alaska film 30 days of Night)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if the background is real or a really bad job of photo-shopping. Either way, I’m loving the lack of shirt.

Crystal: I was gonna say…how are you even noticing or caring about the background?

(Ryan Phillippe was in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he seems like kind of a douche, but if I’m honest, that doesn’t really matter.

Crystal: Well, we’re not dating the asshat, we’re just ogling it.

(Ben Affleck starred in Phantoms & Gigli)

Mad Madam M: At least he has the looks going for him!

Crystal: Gigli was a horror movie? Or just a horrifying one?

(John Corbett also stars in The Messangers)

Mad Madam M: Ladies and gentlemen. Let me introduce to you my first tellie crush. *wild applause*

Crystal: For me, it’s more of a long-standing affair. I *heart* John.

(Jared Padalecki starred in House of Wax, Cry Wolf & the upcoming Thomas Kinkade’s Home for Christmas)

Mad Madam M: Ah, Ginormitron in argyle. Almost makes up for sitting through the House of Wax remake. Almost… Be advised it will take more than a pretty sweater to erase The Chad from my memory…not to mention Ms. Hilton.

Crystal: I would definitely put the Thomas Kinkade movie into horror. Good call, M.

(Seann William Scott starred in the first Final Destination flick)

Mad Madam M: Can’t tell if that is a tattoo or a birthmark, but I am willing to investigate!!

Crystal: Stifler! Wow, he looks good with no shirt on. And I’m willing to assist in M’s investigation. I’m just a good friend that way.

(Freddie Prinze, Jr. also starred in I Know What You Did Last Summer)

Mad Madam M: Sure he isn’t very good, but I always kind of go mushy at the end of She’s All That.

Crystal: In the case of pretty men who can’t act, I always merely require fewer clothes on them and I’m good to go.

(Jensen Ackles starred in *cough avoid* Devour *cough*)

Mad Madam M: Oh Jensen…

Crystal: Don’t worry, M. Some day I’ll be rich and famous enough to hire him as your pool boy.

So, Nonny was the inspiration for this post. I asked her a long time ago if she had any suggestions for Hump Day Hotties–any lickable men she’d like to see featured. Being Nonny, she said…why not chicks? No one ever features lickable women. (I’m paraphrasing, she’s way more articulate than me)

Thus, in desperate need of a new topic, M and I have finally succumb to the wisdom of Nonny, and have done an HDH on which actresses we would switch teams for.

Mad Madam M: Natalie…my number one gal!!

Crystal: After Nonny made her suggestion, it was M saying she’d switch teams for Natalie Portman that made me think we should do this post. That was a slightly awkward discussion. “Hey, M? Who else would you switch teams for?”

Mad Madam M: Sure she seems somewhat insane, but that’s part of her charm. Really!?!?!? It totally is!!!

Crystal: Like someone else I know…

Mad Madam M:
Dear Adrianne,
I think you may be stalking me (cuz we all know I am too much of a lady to stalk anyone!), but I really don’t mind. You can be on both Supernatural and Friday Night Lights in the same year. That’s fine by me!

With Unashamed Adoration,
Mad Madam M

P.S. Thanks for making Ginromitron seem normal size. That is a miraculous feat and you should totally be proud of yourself even if your ripped from One Tree Hill storyline on FNL completely blows. Well, except it seems TPTB are completely set on getting your character with Landry, which is completely made of awesome! So all in all, I’m kind of conflicted.

Crystal: Didn’t she die on Supernatural? What did you expect her never to work again? Nice dress, though.

Mad Madam M: “I’ll meet you in the red room, close the door and dim the lights…” Gotta love Moulin Rouge! It’s a rule!, people!!

Crystal: Dude, Nicole Kidman is hot. I don’t care which team you bat for. Gay men would fight over her. Seriously.

Mad Madam M: Yes, I know Starbuck isn’t a real person. No, I don’t really care.

Crystal: I know you don’t. That scares me a little, but that’s what friends are for, right?

Mad Madam M: No ones does sexy-hot Latina like Salma!

Crystal: It’s true. Just when you think she can’t get prettier, she lays the spiffy accent on you.

Mad Madam M: Love the lingerie. Love the retro look. Oh and Maggie of course…along with her hunky brother!!

Crystal: It is a family love-fest. I mean, really…Maggie? Jake? Why choose, I say both.

Mad Madam M: Sophisticated. Youthful. Classy. And did I mention she can pull off a believable British accent!

Crystal: Accents are a key to hotness, I think. They just are.

Mad Madam M: The English Rose herself and man do I love the fact that she seems so real!

Crystal: She’s not real? What is she, a Barbie Doll?

Mad Madam M: She plays one hot librarian…

Crystal: Librarians are hot! Yes! Send a memo to my ex-boy-toys, okay?

Mad Madam M: I know, I know…another British chick. But hey! We all have our types!!!

Crystal: It’s the accents. They get you every time.

Mad Madam M: Man do I love Clerks II!! Oh and Rent. How could I forget that one!?!?! Rosario’s just so versatile!!

Crystal: She is. The dancing scene from Clerks II cracks me up every time.

Mad Madam M: Gotta show Broadway some love and Sara here is a Tony winner!!

Crystal: And she was amazing in Grey’s Anatomy! Though I don’t watch that pain-filled train wreck of a show anymore.

Mad Madam M: Crys…she’s all yours!!

Crystal: Firefly hottie! She was an awesome courtesan!

Mad Madam M:For a women who always seems to play sluts…Julie - umm I mean Melinda - looks almost respectable in this pic. Okay, maybe not so much!! LOL

Crystal: Well, she has clothes on. That is a start.

Mad Madam M: Oh Veronica - yes she will always be V - you do seem like quite the spitfire! I think I might like that…

Crystal: I’m not even going to talk about what that says about you, M. I’m just not going there.

Mad Madam M: I’m so a sucker for B & W photos and big hats. Besides, it’s Natalie!!

Crystal: I want that hat.

Mad Madam M: So it turns out my love of wife-beater style tanks goes for both genders. You learn something new everyday!

Crystal: You and your wife beaters. Well, at least this one is pink. I know how much you like pink.

Mad Madam M: *bursts into flame due to the hotness of Katie, Jamie & Anders (cuz I can never remember his ‘real’ name*

Crystal: You know this is a theoretical team-switching, right M? Right? Um…

Here’s a hodge podge of extras who didn’t make it into other weeks. But they’re pretty enough to make the grade. So here are some random acts of kindness from us to you.

Mad Madam M: Alan Tudyk seems to follow me about cinematically (is that even a word)…and I kind of like it. 28 Days. A Knight’s Tale. Ice Age. Dodgeball. 3:10 to Yuma. Oh and how could I forget the show that finally allowed Crys understand the pain & heartbreak of loving a character on a Joss Whedon show.

Crystal: He was my FAVORITE Firefly character. I’ll never forgive Joss for killing him. NEVER. *sob*

Mad Madam M: Eyeliner…apparently Johnny Depp isn’t the only one that can make it look sexy.

Crystal: *rendered speechless* But here’s Seth Green having fun with eyeliner, too.

Mad Madam M: *eyes covered* I’m not allowed to look. Crys claimed him 4 years ago!

Crystal: I did. He’s mine. Ain’t he pretty? *sigh*

Mad Madam M: Bamber is back, people! Behold the English hotness!

Crystal: Yay! *leads parade*

Mad Madam M: You want classy sexy? Here is a prime example!

Crystal: he is working that tux like the rent is due TODAY.

Mad Madam M: Sheriff Lamb and Logan together building houses. I see an awesome spin-off!!!!

Crystal: Oh, look. Pretty AND humanitarian. *licks screen*

Mad Madam M: Ah Christian Bale…pretension only makes you look hotter. (Although I could go without seeing your shirt tag.)

Crystal: I could go without seeing his shirt at all.

Mad Madam M: Little hint: Avoid looking directly at the bad mustache. Actually just concentrate all staring efforts below the neck and all should go well!

Crystal: Man, you made me look! That is a BAD mustache. The rest is eggsellent though.

Mad Madam M: Less layers, Jaime. I’m telling you…LESS LAYERS!

Crystal: What are you talking about? NO layers.

Mad Madam M: While I can’t always explain my love of certain films, George of the Jungle has a very simple explanation.

Crystal: That’s what I’m talking about. NO layers.

Mad Madam M:
Dear Mr. Marsden,
I quite like you as a secondary character, but it is time for you to move up the ranks into leading man status. I mean you have the looks and the talent. It wasn’t your fault you got such a retarded part in the X-Men flicks - Cyclops is normally a cooler character - or the world’s lamest death scene. You can do so much better!!
Waiting Expectantly for Better Roles,
Mad Madam M
P.S. I loved you in Hairspray and I can’t wait to see Enchanted, even if it is Disney. So, perhaps your day is coming!!!

Crystal: I did like him in X-Men. I didn’t see the last one, which means I missed any bad death scenes.

Mad Madam M: Never watched any of his shows religiously. However, I have watched him for years!

Crystal: I made it through the first season of Lost just because of him. Soooo pretty.

Mad Madam M: FemeNazi, this one’s for you!

Crystal: I’ll assume that’s one of your other friends, because it ain’t me. And I loved him in West Wing. It just wasn’t the same show without him.

Mad Madam M: “The tellie season has begun…let us all dance like wanton children!”

Crystal: I find myself agreeing with the look on Jensen’s face over the shenanigans in the background.

Mad Madam M: I think I am sensing a trend about the familial make-up of my favorite television shows. Supernatural. Prison Break. Numb3rs.

Crystal: All your shows have pretty brothers. Nothing wrong with keepin’ it in the family, I say. Hey, I lived in the south for a while. I learned a thing or two ;)

Mad Madam M: Captain Awesome indeed!

Crystal: No, no. Don’t hold it up, take it off! Awesome!

Mad Madam M: While I appreciate the effort to wear tight t-shirts…why couldn’t they have just skipped the shirts altogether?!?!?

Crystal: Less is more, I think.

Mad Madam M:YAY!!!! My tellie boyfriend is BACK!!!! *performs the Dance of Joy*

Crystal: Yes, when I get rich and famous, I promise he will be your pool boy. (Pool accessory not included)

Mad Madam M: And did I mention he has an Aussie accent?

Crystal: Accents are so hot. And hot mean with accents are *yum*

Mad Madam M: Damn you, Logan. Why did you have to get your cute ass on such a dismal show?!?! Of course I will watch, but I want you to know that I’m not enjoying it. Well…not too much that is!

Crystal: Word.

Mad Madam M: Some crushes get better with age!

Crystal: It’s true. I’ve loved him since he was on Early Edition.

Mad Madam M: He may not be the sharpest crayon in the box, but he is pretty…oh so pretty. And did I mention he can speak sexy Spanish?!?!

Crystal: I repeat, accents are sexy.

Mad Madam M: I have to find this beach!

Crystal: It’s a magical place. Disney Land for adult women!

Mad Madam M: If only you were a better actor in a show that could follow its own mythology. Damn you Logan for getting me into this!!!

Crystal: It’s so sad. He is pretty.

Mad Madam M: Again with the extra clothing. Feel free to make yourself more comfortable on that couch!!

Crystal: No, no. Don’t bother to get up while I make myself comfortable on you.

Mad Madam M: Man do I love a cute slacker!!

Crystal: Oh, I love Reaper. It’s so good. And he is a cutie-patootie.

Mad Madam M: Now in Panama…although Linc still can’t seem to figure out how to button his shirt and Michael is wearing a sweatshirt in a tropical climate.

Crystal: Odd. I’m glad I don’t watch that show suddenly. Though they are pretty.

Mad Madam M: He looks kind of scared in the picture, but keep in mind they just told him he had to do another film with The Chad! That would strike the fear of God into the strongest individual!

Crystal: Film? What film? And The Chad is scary. Thank you for not putting him on this list.

Mad Madam M: Many people feel that he was brought onto Numb3rs to ’sex’ the show up a bit. My response is this…you say that like its a bad thing?!?!?

Crystal: I’m always in favor of sexing up a show. It makes things right with the world.

Mad Madam M: All hell’s about to break loose and I couldn’t be more thrilled. That doesn’t make me a bad person, does it?!?!

Crystal: No. No, it does not. I can’t wait to see what happens this season! *pretty boys*

Most of you may not know this, but yesterday was a huge day in history. The day my best friend was born. I won’t give you her age, because it’s no one’s business but hers (and she just might kick my ass for it).

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAD MADAM M!!!

I meant to post this yesterday, so here’s a shamefaced limerick from me to you, M. And a little bit of naughty on your big day.

This year I have something to boast:
I remembered your birthday (almost).
This card may be late
but it’s close to the date.
Let’s pretend it got lost in the post.