Crystal Jordan :: Blog

1. Meeting your favorite authors and try really hard to be professional and NOT gush. That last part is key.

2. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

3. Figuring out how the hell to pitch a book. Still working on this one.

4. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

5. Watching people sing karaoke in the bar.

6. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

7. Seeing your dream agent from afar and sighing wistfully.

8. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

9. Book-signing chaos of a bazillion authors in one room and you’re all racing to get the LAST COPY of your fave book.

10. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

11. Listening to keynote speakers who can actually make you laugh. This always surprises me and I expect to be bored. Who knew they were funny?

12. Hanging out with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

13. Drinking in the bar with author friends you don’t see except at conference.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Stranded for hours on the side of the road in the Nevada desert while on the way to Las Vegas.

2. Chased out of a rest stop bathroom by a skunk. And, dude, I REALLY had to pee.

3. Had lunch with Gena Showalter and gushed over her newest release at the time, then asked later if she’d ever written a book with a shape-shifter in it. Didn’t understand the weird look she gave me until an hour down the freeway when I realized the book I had gushed over HAD A SHAPE-SHIFTER IN IT.

4. Almost missed a flight to an interview because I fell in the slippery when wet area of the bathroom and my stuff scattered. Including my boarding pass.

5. Had a chick hold my hand for 3 hours on a flight because she was afraid of turbulence. Nice lady, but she smelled kinda…special.

6. Had the talking child of doom next to me ALONE on a flight. I don’t know if it was because we both had curly hair, but they stranded me with her so I fetched her milk and held the door to the bathroom closed for her because she was afraid to lock it. This is why I’ll never breed.

7. Walked in on a dude who didn’t lock the airplane door doing a leetle more than peeing to relieve himself. I think you know what I’m talking about. Really, it was only a 2 hours flight…he couldn’t wait?

8. Stranded for hours on the side of the road in the Nevada desert while on the way to Reno. (Sense a pattern? Nevada clearly wants a piece of me)

9. Stuck overnight in Houston due to weather when there wasn’t a cloud in the sky. It was a “mechanic problem” they didn’t want to ‘fess up to and pay for a hotel for everyone. Do not get me started.

10. Stopped at a rest stop in California that, no shit, called it’s port-o-potties The Honey Pots. Um…that was not QUITE the same smell one would expect from honey pots, you know?

11. Got lost in a very BAD part of Little Rock, Arkansas at 3AM trying to find a Super Walmart. Don’t ask. It was my cousin’s fault.

12. Had a very scary man offer to buy my cousin from me in the very bad part of town in Little Rock. I had to pass. I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced he’d treat her well or had the same religious background as she does. It just wouldn’t have worked out between them, I don’t think. Then again, he could have been the love of her life. The world will never know.

Plus, I have a no-returns policy that I wasn’t sure he’d respect. He looked like the type who’d try and get a refund on goods he’d damaged.

13. A dude who was naked and VERY happy to see me waved is wang at me out the window. Seriously. I could not make this shit up.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. See the Mad Madam M. Hey, Article 17.3.7-42 of the Best Friend Code clearly states that the best friend shall always come first in any list that includes her. It’s just how it’s done. Plus, she’s kinda fun so I keep her around.

2. Mad Madam M is taking me to see the new Pirates movie, which we both held off on until now. Damn we’re good. All I have to say is: Johnny! *lights lighter and chases* Take your shirt off! Show us your man-titties!

3. I get to spend the night with Lillian Feisty. And I think you know what I mean here. Her husband’s going to podcast it so R.G. Alexander can feel like she’s in on the action. No child left behind!

4. I get to see the grandparents, brothers, nieces, etc. Family weddings=family reunion. Am I the only one who gets exhausted around family. I mean, I love them…and I kinda want to kill them.

5. I’m spending the night with Eden Bradley. And I think you know what I mean here. We might let her boyfriend watch. Then again, we might tie him up and just tease him.

6. A threesome might ensue with Jax Crane. I had no part in planning this, but Eden did mention on the phone that they’d both be waiting for me when I got there. I think we all know what that means.

7. Eden’s taking me to a sex toy shop. That’s right, a sex toy shop. A big one. Huge. And size does matter in these cases. It just does.

8. I get to have afternoon delights with Karen Erickson. I can hear the bad porn music playing now. “Anybody order a pizza?” *bow chica bow bow*

9. I get to hang with the older brother on my way back up to the family lair of northern Cali. He’ll probably talk me into plotting some of his new fantasy novel with him. Should be fun. It’s weird to write with a guy in your head though. Very weird.

10. Hanging with The Tonyas and the Mad Madam M…and my Hair Goddess will probably bless us with her benevolent goodness. We will, of course, be properly humble. And no one grovels like M. No one. The woman has a gift.

11. I might stalk a hot guy or two with M. She’s bad at stalking, but great at lying to get us out of it when we get caught. Really. We both have spotless criminal records thanks in no small part to her mastermind evil genius in this area.

12. Afternoon delights with Feisty on the way home. Fireworks, explosions, the Earth moved. Oh, yeah. I’ll rock her world.

13. I fly off to Dallas for conference and maybe a nooner with RG. She’s a newbie, so I’ll be gentle. Maybe.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Crystal hates the light

But I wear sunblock, so it’s okay. When I become a real vampire, then I might have problems, though.

2. Crystal hates me

Yes. Yes, I do. I’m glad you’re finally able to come to terms with that, and find acceptance of your hateability.

3. Crystal hates Bush

This is a political statement that I’m unwilling to admit to in public. I do not recall that incident. I did not sleep with that woman. Oh, wait. That was Clinton. Eh…politicians. Whatcha gonna do?

4. My Chihuahua, Crystal, hates men.

Did they just call me a dog? How rude.

5. Crystal hates Zarla and her family intensely

She probably deserves it.

6. Crystal hates the concept of anything

This is very philosophical. Deep. And true. All concepts make me cranky.

7. Unfortunately, Crystal hates freestyle, and therefore hates most of the youth.

This sounds kinky, so I’ll have to disagree. I like kinky. Just read my books and you’ll see. Kink is fun. But only for youth over 18–consent is mandatory. Sorry!

8. Crystal hates Angelique for many reasons, however, the main reason that Crystal hates her so much is because that Angelique betrayed her.

That bitch!

9. Crystal hates: possessive people

I do. Those needy, greedy obnoxious ass possessive people. Crystal’s need to be free! That might even have been on last week’s list…but I digress.

10. Crystal hates happy people. Crystal will turn on you in an instant.

I don’t hate them, per se. They just get on my last nerve. But that last part is SO true. It’s like a universally known fact.

11. Crystal hates me saying that

Then stop saying it, moron. Duh.

12. Crystal hates monkeys and enjoys clam

What did the monkeys ever do to me? Nothing that I recall. Well, there was that one who flung poo at me in the zoo, but he missed so it’s fine.

13. Crystal hates gym class.

Yes, I do. Exercise is evil. Check the Saturday post for details. Exercise=eeeeevil.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Crystal needs a LOT of love. She just isn’t getting it at home and it is unlikely she ever will.

This is so true. How did they know? It’s Big Brother and 1984…they’re watching me!

2. Crystal needs extra care, so read on for cleaning tips. Crystal needs to sit in a super-saturated solution to continue growing.

I’m not certain, but I think this one is encouraging me to drink. I can handle that. I’ll take a Zombie, a cranberry Marg, and some Sex On The Beach.

3. Crystal Needs improvement

Drop dead, asshat! That’s none of your business! And like you’re soooo perfect.

4. Crystal needs to spend a great deal of time in solitude to meditate

And that means I should go on vacation. Alone. And hang out with my friends Jack, Jose, and Jim. We go waaaaaay back, me and those three.

5. Choose the best answer : 1) Crystal needs a haircut. 2) Crystal needs new shoes. 3) Crystal is tired.

Dude, where D) All of the above?

6. Crystal needs extra special care and the gold surface should never be rubbed or scrubbed

I didn’t know I had gold surfaces. Neat!

7. Crystal needs to know how loving couples interact.

Wow. They obviously don’t know about my books.

8. Shining crystals for your shiny crystal needs.

Because everyone has crystal needs. They love me, they really love me.

9. I think Crystal needs a rule that children who are not toilet trained are not allowed in the pools!!

Did I set off the pee pee dye in the pool again? Damn. Every time.

10. Crystal needs cleaning when it appears dusty or dull.

I have excellent grooming habits, I never get dull or dusty. Just ask R.G.

11. Scientists have long assumed that a crystal needs to be perfect to sustain stress at its theoretical limit.

This is so not true. Crystal does not need to be perfect to sustain a shitload of stress…way beyond the normal limit. Stupid scientists.

12. So, to get the cat’s-eye effect, the typically rod-shaped rough crystal needs to be sliced along its length.

Owwwww. You’ll get more than the cat’s-eye effect if you try that shit.

13. Finally, if you are in a hurry and feel that your crystal needs to be cleared, you can easily run them under cool tap water.

This sounds like a fetish I can’t endorse. There will be no randomly dousing me in water. Anyone tries this shit at conference and severe beatings will ensue. Then the Crystal will be cleared…of criminal charges.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. The pressure of the First Date. *internal insecurities wench screaming in my head* What do I wear?

2. What if he’s a total ogre upon closer inspection?

3. What if he’s Prince Charming, and he sweeps me off my feet?

4.*internal insecurities wench screaming in my head* Do I look okay? Is my hair a frizzball?

5. What if sweeping me off my feet gives him a hernia because I’m fat?

6. What if he likes that I’m fat? Does it make him a perv…or totally perfect, cuz you know I’m not running out to loose weight for some guy I barely know.

7. *internal insecurities wench screaming in my head* Does my breath smell?

8. Am I too old for him? Is he too old for me? What’s age got to do with it? Maybe I’m over thinking this…

9. If I’m over thinking this, what’s he thinking? Do guys even GO through this in their heads? It just seems unfair for them not to freak out at all…like they don’t freak and they don’t have to have a period either. Those total assholes! Ugh!

10. *internal insecurities wench screaming in my head* Ohmygawd! What if he kisses me…and my breath smells?

11. What if he’s a bad kisser? What of he thinks I’m a bad kisser? What if I’ve been doing it wrong on these years and no one told me? Damn you former kissing partners!

12. What if I like him and he doesn’t like me? Oh Holy Jesus, I’m too old for this shit. I should have gotten married at 17 and been done with it.

13. So why am I spazzing about this? I have a dreaded First Date coming up *internal insecurities wench screaming in my head* Aaaahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Wereplanets: In Smoke comes out.

2. It’s a naughty dragon menage. *bow chica bow bow*

3. It has a lot of you know what in it. And there are three of them, so there is a whole lot of possibilities about what can be done during you know what.

4. Wereplanets: In The Flames comes out in the first edition of the CPQ Magazine.

5. It also has a high volume per capita of the you know what.

6. The naughty is so dirty that you’ll want to run around with your panties on your head screaming do me big daddy all night long.

7. Because I can write about tigers and dragons doing the you know what, and you know what I mean.

8. Because by the time I’m this list, it’ll take you until tomorrow to get you know what out of your head. And then you’ll read my books and have to start back at square one.

9. Because it’s the day before the weekend.

10. Because weekends make me happy inside.

11. Because on the weekend you’ll have extra time to read my books. It’s nice how this works, isn’t it? Very cyclical. And I’m all about you know what coming around. A lot.

12. Because you actually can run around with your panties on your head while reading my books while doing the you know what on the weekend because of all that extra time. *bow chica bow bow*

13. Because it tickles me that In Smoke and In the Flames (where there’s smoke there’s fire…I’m a sucker for the cliche) comes out on the same day. Which is tomorrow. Which is why tomorrow rocks.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Because she’s got a spiffy countdown thing for her first NY release. See over in the sidebar? I couldn’t resist.

2. Because her book comes out the same day as Wereplanets: In Smoke!

3. Because at RT she was a very naughty fairy.

4. Because she picks up the phone, even when I call after midnight.

5. Because her book is fabulous (I got an ARC and hated her just a little when I was done)

6. Because she’s snarky. And thank gawd…my nice-o-meter only takes me so far before I have to tear off and say something rude. What a relief.

7. Because when I say rude/crazy things she laughs and does it convincingly. So if she doesn’t think I’m funny, I’ll never know. (Denial is more than a river in Egypt, baby)

8. Because she knows how to use a crop. Don’t ask me how I know this.

9. Because she critiqued my first book and convinced me I could sell it. And I did, so there you go. She has good taste.

10. Because she set up the scholarship fund that’s going to get me to RWA Nationals this year.

11. Because she listens to me whine. Hey, not everyone gets this privilege. I keep it to a select few.

12. Because when I was stuck in Tennessee, she was a California girl I could talk to.

13. Because, dude, she has, like, a Valley Girl accent. Fer sure.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. He can fix small computers with a single bound.

2. He doesn’t mock me because I can’t fix them at all. Even with a whole lot of bounds. (And seeing a fat girl bound? Soooo not pretty.)

3. He sits for over an hour fixing the-computer-who-hates-me.

4. He laughs at my happy dance when the-computer-who-hates-me bows in submission before his techno-wonder-boy-ness.

5. He wears pink. In front of other guys. In my family, that’s a thing of intense mockery, so gotta give props to a dude who does it in public.

6. He has reeeeeeally weird taste in music. (But I’m a country girl, so I’m sure he might have a different take on that one)

7. He earned the nickname Electroshock fair and square.

8. He’s still willing to help me if my leetle electronics issue pops up again. That’s dedicated niceness right there.

9. He and the Persnickety Hooch brought me a bottle of my favorite wine. (which is still chilling in my fridge because I don’t drink alone and no one’s been over to have it with me recently)

10. He brought me wine. That totally counts for two. Totally.

11. When people are drunk at a club…he WILL come get you and take you all out to breakfast at a weird diner that has a tranny waiter (waitress?) and weirdos get arrested in front of your car.

12.He says I can put him in a book. (Hey, some people aren’t cool with this so I always ask)

Me: I’m going to write you into a book if that’s cool.

Him: Really? What’s it about?

Me: You’re in the military and you meet this chick and dirty things happen.

Him: *lifts eyebrow* That’s pretty awesome.

Me: So, it’s okay? Some people are afraid of what I might do with them….in fiction.

Him: *snorts and leans back in chair* Nah. That’s cool with me.

13. When the Persnickety Hooch drags us out to fetish night at a local club, he’s my partner in crime for mocking the weird(est) ones.

Links to other Thursday Thirteens!